It’s the New Year! Let’s get to our resolutions!
What is it? Cutting out caffeine? Pumping the brakes with alcohol? Promising to always wear pants going to church (yeah! Good luck with that one!…you can’t spell mass without ass!) I’m betting yours is the same as everyone else’s…losing weight.
Everyone has used this resolution at one point in their adult lives. No one has dieting as a resolution before college. The only thing you knew about diet when you were 10 was that it was written on cans of pop that tasted like somebody farted in muddy water and put it in a can.
As soon as the Freshmen 15 gets put on 80% of people have resolutions to lose said 15. The reasons for losing the weight differ from everyone, too. People want to be healthier. People want to look better towards the opposite sex in order to get, how the young people say, “laid”. People want to become a better cross dresser so they won’t get last place again this year in the Beyonce look-a-like contest…I swear I they can do better if I they only get less love handles and if I they had 10% less chest hair and if I they invert my their penis like their turning a sock inside out and if………….scratch that last sentence.
Anyway I didn’t make a New Year’s Resolution this year. That would just be adding on to the list of things I resolved to do with my life that I feel short on: bubble gum tester when I was five; cootie shot inventor when I was eight; becoming the 47th most popular Bryan in school when I was 13; statue in the girls’ locker room showers when I was 18; becoming the Surgeon General of the United States and saying that women shouldn’t have sex with men whose penis is > 4” or they’ll die when I was 23…a resolution would just make things worse.
I do want to start exercising though. My body has seen better days. Right now I get winded going up a flight of stairs. When I turn the steering wheel my gut somehow puts the emergency brake on. Every time I take of my shirt in public I get shot with a tranquilizer dart and put in the Columbus Zoo’s gorilla exhibit. I used to be able bench press 225 lb. regularly…now I’d be lucky to bend down and put weight on the lifting bar without splitting my pants.
The problem with exercising is I have no time for it. I work 40 hours a week and I’m busy doing something everyday of the week. Monday is Lings and Wings night where I drink cheap Yeunglings and eat at least 15 cheap chicken wings. Tuesday is Nap Day where I nap for three hours then rent a Redbox movie and overpay for Chinese food. Wednesday is “Make fun of people for working out while gently petting my beer gut day and feel the cholesterol from the burrito I ate pulse through my heart” day. Thursday is when I spend my time making sure the couch doesn’t float away by laying on it. Friday and Saturday is when I make my social rounds with friends by drinking social rounds with friends. And Sunday is when I make sure my bedsheets still keep me warm and I do my civic duty and make sure that various porn sites are up and running so other people don’t have to (you’re welcome, America!)………………where is time for exercise?
I’ve tried various ways to exercise, too, but with disastrous results. I tried jogging on a treadmill at work last month, but I after 45 minutes I just couldn’t do it…I couldn’t tie my shoes symmetrically so I went home. I tried P90X a few years ago and the first week went great…then I did half of what I was told to do (P45X)…then 1/3 (P30X)…then I looked at the disc (Peek-0X)…then I watched Jack Bauer and had Dominos while surfing the net (Pizza24XXX).
The furthest I got in exercising was my freshman year of college at Ohio University. I got in decent shape, gained a lot of muscle and only had four restraining orders when I took my shirt off at the beach for spring break instead of the usual citation of indecent exposure for my man-cans. However: I also watched five hours of ABC Family programming from 12-5 pm everyday, played Pokemon on my computer for weeks on end and got caught cranking one out by one of my roommates and speaking Strokenese (the language every guy speaks when he tries to talk after someone catches him self-medicating. It’s a bunch of gibberish followed by a question that has nothing to do with anything: “AAAAAAAHHHHHHH…mmm…uh…ahem!…uh…so…how do you like pottery?”) In other words…I was in shape physically, but not socially.
I still exercise now every so often. I occasionally pick up some dumbbells and do a couple…I mean a lot…I mean SUPERDUPERAWESOMEI’MSEXYWANNADATEMENODON’TRUNAWAY…amount of weight. I’ve jogged…I mean I’ve almost gone jogging…I mean I’ve thought about jogging…I mean I remember what a treadmill looks like (that’s the machine where you put a lap band around your waist and giggle the fat away, right?).
Here’s the bottom line: I’m going to get in a shape that doesn’t resemble 6’ of Flubber inside a skin suit. I’m looking to drop a few pounds, look a bit thinner and to have digital scales start giving me a number when I weigh myself instead of “FAT”. I know I can do it. All I have to do is stop eating unhealthy foods…and cut out drinking alcohol…and exercise everyday…and stop watching so much TV…
I can make that my 2013 resolution.
