Three weeks ago I had my a day off from work (my first in 10 days) and to make that day even sweeter because the previous day was my last day at my old seasonal job before I started my new one with more money and full benefits the following week.  And what did I do to celebrate my new phase of my life…I watched a German movie about condoms that bite off penises.

I stumbled upon this movie because I had nothing to do at 9 am, couldn’t fall back asleep and I had already “unleashed the dragon.”  Upon searching my brain for something to do on the internet that could help me fall asleep in the least amount of time that I would enjoy (and with me self-serving yogurt not on the menu) I remembered that Hulu had movies on-demand for free.  It’s where I caught two of Eddie Murphy’s stand-up specials when he still had an edge and loved flamboyant leather suits (how he was able to wear those pants without getting 2” of butt sweat sloshing around), rewatched Super Size Me and occasionally click on interesting movie titles such as Strictly Sexual and Kama Sutra (just to further confirm the stereotype that if boobies are involved men will watch it…or gawk at it…or go with you to the mall if you SNAWDYS us.)

So upon going Hulu I was looking through the titles alphabetically when I reach the K’s.  I was hoping for a movies called Katie Does Omaha, Kangaroos Vs. Koalas or Krazy Kaliedoscopes: A 28 Hour Documentary that I could watch, but then I saw it…Killer Condom.  How do I not watch this?

I thought it would be a ridiculous movie that would be so stupid it’s funny and what I got…was pure gold featuring condoms, homosexuality, guns, cross-dressers, God, people getting pissed on, hookers and everything in between.  Success!

Within the first 10 seconds I knew I was onto something amazing because the whole movie is in German, is set in New York City at Hotel Quickie and starts with a hot college student and her teacher.  So right there I know a couple of things: there will be broken English subtitles I have to read (ew…reading), New York City will be shot through European eyes (so one over-the-top Southern Yankee will be involved and cultural items that aren’t American at all) and that there will be boobies (playing into the my SNAWDYS theory of male-female interaction: “Slip Nip And We’ll Do Your S***”)

Turns out the teacher and student (solid 8) are at Hotel Quickie because the student is failing a class and won’t be on some sort of committee at school (I missed that part between being anxious about her topless and getting aggrevated she isn’t topless) and the only way to pass her was to sleep with the teacher.  Student starts crying, teacher guilts her more, student starts taking her blouse off, teacher takes off pants and is ready to party.  The teacher looks at the nightstand to grab a condom, puts it on, turns to the student and all of a sudden…huge gash of blood on her face, lots of screaming and a condom with a dick in it runs out of the room.  I’ll say that again…the condom bit his dick off and ran away!   WHAT???  This movie is gonna be epic!

So now the plot begins.  The main character in this movie is Detective Luigi, an Italian immigrant who embodies everything you expect from a cop in a movie: he’s a chain smoker, goes against whatever the chief says, hasgaysex anddddd…oh yeah wears sunglasses.  Oh, you didn’t catch the third one?  Yeah Luigi is gay.  That’s where you know this is a European movie.  There’s no way an American movie can have a gay lead character unless it’s Sean Penn starring as a dairy product or one of two cowboys who can’t quit each other.

So Luigi goes down to Hotel Quickie to investigate the allegations of girls biting off dicks.  He goes down there and finds a male prostitute named Billy, a young guy who rocks a denim jacket as good as any 80’s high schooler could have.  Luigi takes Billy up to the hotel room to search for evidence…and by evidence I mean butt play (Luigi looked under the bed for evidence, then took off his pants.)  And this is where things get uncomfortable (because they had me roped in with normal everyday stuff like living condoms and such) and I’ll never forget this scene…the camera is on Billy’s face when Luigi takes off his pants…and an oval shadow appears over Billy’s face as he stares in amazement of the Zeppelin coming out of Luigi’s pants.  Turns out Luigi has a 32 cm. member (which makes me want to start measuring in metric that way I can use two hands when mentioning how big it is to prospective in-laws, carpet shampooers and any and all Popes) or in normal talk 12.6 inches.  12.6 inches!  You need a leash for that thing.  I would save so much money if that was mine because I wouldn’t need pants because I’d just walk around naked and wouldn’t get in trouble because any cops would come at me, guns drawn, then look down and say “Oh…damn…well, I don’t blame you for strolling naked…our guns are only 9 MM…you apparently have a 90 MM gun.”

So after Luigi lugs his Dachshund Dong out he grabs for the complimentary condom and here is where we get out first look from the point of view of the condom.  Apparently Killer Condoms have eyesight that makes the world look like you were staring through a fish-eye lens that was covered by pantyhose.  Not only do we get the vision of the condom, but we also learn that Killer Condoms make cartoon noises when moving and have teeth that makes Jaws look like George Washington without his wooden teeth.  Luigi leans for the Killer Condom…and it bites his right nut off (apparently not only do Killer Condoms enjoy franks, but they aren’t against eating the beans either.)

So Luigi as is in the hospital for a spell to rest his nut, 13 more men get their dicks bit off through a montage of women on the bed, blood squirting in their face and Killer Condoms full of penis scurrying away.  When Luigi returns back to work he tries to convince the force Killer Condoms are the perpetrators, but everyone thinks it’s just the hookers doing it (you know, conventional wisdom.)  Convinced about Killer Condoms Luigi goes back to Hotel Quickie where we see a weird Chinese man in triangle sunglasses leaving a box in the lobby.  Turns out the box is filled with the complimentary condoms for each hotel room and each condom is not individually wrapped because according to the hotel manager “it’s cheaper that way.”  I know if I were to go to a hotel and see a condom chilling on the nightstand not in a wrapper I instantly would think “Oh, awesome!  Free condom to use!  Can’t waste this baby.”  If that wasn’t ludicrous enough the condoms look like the tops on baby bottles (good to see that German film crews have money for realistic props.)

Oh, yeah almost forgot…this time when Luigi comes back we meet Bob: a former cop who now is a drag queen by the name of Babette who sings “Killing Me Softly in the hotel lounge and used to be Luigi’s lover and is still in love with him, but Luigi wants none of it.  So just to recap: Luigi is the detective with an elephant wang and one nut, Billy is a pretty boy hooker who is falling for Luigi, Bob is a cross dresser still in love with Luigi, there’s a strange Chinese guy in triangle glasses for who knows what and there are Killer Condoms biting off wieners with their pirhana teeth.  Got it?…everything makes sense?…I sure hope so because this was the easy and most plausible part of the movie.

As a result of seeing the random box of condoms Luigi and his new partner Sam (a straight laced by-the-book guy who isn’t a fan of gay people) stakeout a room in Hotel Quickie.  Two people are in this room with one guy tied up and saying dirty, dirty talk (which I don’t want to rehash or else my computer screen will be covered in chili) and the other guy is whipping him in a leather S & M outfit doing dirty,dirty talk as well (which I don’t want to rehash either or else I’ll have some scrambled eggs on my chili on my computer screen.)  Sure enough they are about to use a condom when Luigi busts in and stops them…however there is a loud screen in the room next to them.  Luigi runs in the hallway and sees a Killer Condom with a penis in it crawling along…and he shoots it!  (Side note: how pissed would you be if your penis was shot?  It’s bad enough that your member was bitten off by a condom, but as we all learned from the whole John and Lorenna Bobbit situation that if your johnson gets lopped off it is possible to reattach it and have it be used again…but I’m betting it’s useless if there is a giant bullet hole through it.)

Now comes the inevitable cop movie move: “You’re off the case!”  Luigi goes into his chief’s office and gets thrown off the case because he shot a schlong in a public place.  What was great about this scene was the Calgary Stampeders pennant on the wall.  Great research by the German crew putting up a Canadian Football League in a New York City police station.  I’d rather watch a two mile race between a sloth, a slug and a buffet-line Kristie Alley than enjoy CFL games.  As Luigi leaves the precinct with everyone looking at him he delivers one of two memorable lines: 

“Nobody bites off a Macaroni’s (Luigi’s last name) jewels and gets away with it!”

Alright another recap: Luigi shoots a dingaling, gets off the case and delivers some good life advice, Sam is his partner and is homophobic and the CFL sucks.  Confused…good, let’s continue.

Luigi goes back to his apartment and takes a shower so you get the gratuitous male ass in this movie that it so desperately needed.  Just when he is lathering up you see a person slowly breaking into the apartment and walking gingerly to the bathroom with a kitchen knife.  The shadow creeps into the bathroom, puts their hand on the curtain, pulls it open and…it’s Bob/Babette!  He broke into the apartment demanding some fornication.  Luigi knows there’s no other option so he is about to rock Bob/Babette’s world when he notices the purse Bob/Babette brought is moving.  Sure enough that…thing brought a condom from Hotel Quickie to Luigi’s apartment.  There’s some more weird camera angles and stuff that happens, but in the end Luigi grabs the gas line from his stove and holds it between his legs as a fake penis.  This Killer Condom sees it, bites it and blows up because Bob/Babette couldn’t shut off the gas line so it blew up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving float and exploded.

So after all this brew-haha happens 20 minutes in the movie go by with nothing happening until Luigi heads back to Hotel Quickie and spots Billy about to whore himself out to someone and gets offended.  Luigi goes into the elevator to leave when Billy runs into the elevator and they start making out like freshmen under the football bleachers.  Now this is all happening on the fifth floor and there is a crowd of people in the lobby needing to go up so they can get off (wink, wink.)  Now comes a sequence that would make people in the Bible Belt fear for their lives: Luigi gets behind Billy…camera turns to lobby where the floor numbers are jumping all over the map…camera turns to Billy’s wide-eyed face near the ground…camera pans to lobby where people have started to gather around the malfunctioning elevator…Luigi’s face with a strained look…lobby with lights going bonkers…Billy’s red face…all of a sudden the lights in both areas break like a Roy Hobbs homer and the elevator crashes to the lobby with a thud.  Luigi and Billy emerge from the smoke, Luigi zips up his pants and…get a standing ovation from everyone watching. 

My mouth was open that whole time because of how ridiculous that scene was…a scene which I cannot unsee.  I know I will wake up in a cold sweat multiple times in my life with me being somehow involved in that scene screaming “WHY?!?!?!?”  I’m just gonna start therapy no as a precaution.

The next scene is Luigi helping Sam go undercover at a gay bar for which I have no f****** clue why.  The end result is Sam getting pissed on, but this is the second line Luigi uttered that is the greatest line ever used in the history of cinema.  After Sam kept pestering Luigi why he doesn’t enjoy women Luigi turned to him, got in his face and said this:

“I like firm male asses, not pissflaps!”

If that’s not the quote that goes on the movie poster I don’t know what will.

So 30 more minutes of nothing…a presidential candidate preaches morals, goes to hotel with a hooker, Killer Condom bites off dick…Killer Condom finds it’s way into a trashcan, bites homeless woman’s nose…Chinese Triangle guy passes out Killer Condoms at church, two cops chase him, Chinese guy kills cops and kidnaps a woman.

Luigi ends up finding out where the Killer Condoms are made (a church adjacent to the hospital he stayed at recovering for his lost testicle.)  Turns out the Killer Condoms are made underground by a senile former genius scientist who gets paid in red jelly and sends the Killer Condoms through a giant tube into the city (uh…WTF?!?…just run with it.)  Luigi ends up finding this basement and somehow gets disarmed (I must have still been reeling from the elevator scene) and sees that the ringleader for this whole operation is…Dr. Riffleson!  Who is Dr. Riffleson?  Why, she’s the doctor who helped nurse Luigi back to health and was only involved in two minutes of the movie before this!  That’s why I didn’t bring her up.  She wasn’t a main or even secondary character!  How about that plot twist?  Huh?  Really good, huh?  WOO!!!

So this doctor goes on to why she invented the Killer Condoms: she wants to be ready when the Lord comes to Earth Dec. 31, 1999 when this person comes on a flight to New York City.  Dr. Riffleson also throws out Bible verses and her hatred of gay marriage and other crap I didn’t care about because he top was on.  Anyway she has a surprise for Luigi…a Super Killer Condom!  This thing is the size of dining room table with nasty teeth and the look of a paper mache project gone wrong.  Luigi is given a choice…either he has his pool noodle penis bitten off by the SKC or everyone he knows dies (everyone he knows is hanging in individual cages above a giant pool of Killer Condoms.)  Luigi picks his prick, unzips his fly, then ends up stealing the pistol and pistol whipping the chick.  Suddenly the Chinese guy reappears and chases Luigi who is trying to find Billy.

Sometime during this chase scene the SKC gets out and is stalking anyone near it.  Luigi ends up getting boxed in near the Killer Condom pond and the SKC has Luigi’s Guy Holler Footlong (horrible Subway joke.)  It primes…leaps…and gets hit with a pipe by Billy into the Chinese man.  As the two semi-celebrate Dr. Riffleson steals Billy and holds him hostage unless Luigi jumps in the Killer Condom pond.  Instead of doing that Luigi gives a long speech about love and how God won’t judge what he does as long as it’s with love and all sorts of other crap that somehow made the doctor go insane and try to kill herself with the gun, but it’s empty to she jumps in the Killer Condom pond.

Next scene is outside in the morning…cops are there…one last Killer Condom jumps at the chief, but Luigi shoots it…he walks away with Billy in his arms…makes Billy call him “Cop” as a verbal way of foreplay…end of movie.

Here are my final takes from this movie: the contraception industry had to have taken a giant hit in Germany after this movie came out…not sure America would have accepted this movie without an NC-17 rating…a 12” penis, really?…I had no idea German movies could license The Fugees without a heavy fee…I don’t want to know what the writers of this movie were on when they wrote this…I mean a 12” penis, really????…I’m doubting vaginas are going to be called “pissflaps” anytime soon in American slang…plot twists just to have plot twists are awful…what the hell is red jelly in Germany?…A 12.6” PENIS!!!  WHAT???

Now if you excuse me I have to clean all the chili, scrambled eggs and bits of stabbed condoms from my keyboard so I can somehow piece my life back together after this mind-raping movie.

Looking for inspiration without my shirt on (that’s right ladies), I was reading past Bill Simmons mailbags and saw that he did a review of Wedding Crashers.  Suddenly it hit me…I’ll do a movie review, too!  However I didn’t want to spend money on a movie so I did the next best thing…I raided my VHS collection.  And that’s when I saw it…a gift from my Grandma that is still in its original packaging…

Slap Shot 2.

Done deal.  This was the remake of the fantastic 1977 movie Slap Shot with Paul Newman as the lead actor playing Reggie Dunlop, captain of the woeful Charleston Chiefs minor league hockey team.  As a result the team is about to get sold, but things turn around once Dunlop starts fighting the other team.  The Chiefs become popular and profitable once the Chiefs fight more and more (highlighted with the acquisition of three Hanson brothers who do nothing but fight.)  This was a great movie for me because it had three things…fighting, cursing/vulgarity and boobies!  Newman was great in his role and really helped make me watch anything he was ever in.  As for Slap Shot 2…

I know the sequels are never as good as the original, especially if they are released 25 years after the original…and star Stephen Baldwin…and were straight to video…and didn’t involve any Skinemax stars (side note: Tonya from The Real World is in a Skinemax movie.  Seriously!  Some episode from The Erotic Traveler.  I must say as long as I didn’t get syphilis from watching it she has a future career on her hands.)

Sure enough I watched it and it was absolutely horrible.  Footage of a colonic would be more interesting (at least then you might learn something.)

The main plot of the story is Sean Linden (Stephen Baldwin) is a former NHL star who is stuck in the minor leagues with Charleston.  The team still sucks and gets sold to Richard Clairemont (more on him later) and makes takes the Chiefs and makes them the Superchiefs to take on his Omaha Ice Breakers in a series of Harlem Globetrotter-style exhibitions (complete with choreography!) that the Ice Breakers always win.  Clairemont wants hockey to be family friendly and not full of fighting…the anti-Chiefs, but in the end he just wants money.  The Hanson brothers come back in this sequel, win the lottery, buy the team back and the Chiefs win the climactic game. And the 8 people who watched the movie rejoice!  Enough recapping…let’s start ripping this thing apart!

First off there was the music.  The music never went with the action in the movie.  At times I thought I was at a rave, waiting for a rap battle, watching an 80’s cop movie, watching a 70’s disco movie or Old School’s Mitchapaooza.  It never matched what was happening on screen.  Another huge misstep was the fact they blatantly ripped off Mighty Ducks scenes not once, but twice!  The first was when Linden missed the goal in the NHL playoffs (one demon in his closet) the lighting and how he missed was the exact same as Emilo Estevez in Mighty Ducks.  Way to be original, guys.  The second scene was from D2 when they get their old jerseys back in the climactic game and become a winner with their old mojo.  Sure enough, Slap Shot 2 does that as well!  I don’t know if there can be charges filed with the MPAA, but I would want to take those scenes out for infringement (frankly it would be better…the movie wouldn’t be as long and I could have searched for Tonya’s The Erotic Traveler on the internet.)  The writing got much worse than just Mighty Duck rip-offs.

When the Chiefs were purchased by   When has this ever occurred in reality?  It was like the screenplay writer was looking for ideas, reached in his pocket for a toothpick, but found a ticket to the Globetrotters from his kid’s 6th birthday and thought “Eureka!”  Too bad he didn’t have tickets to The Wiggles.  Giant mascots playing hockey on ice?  Sold!  Another flaw was saying that kids don’t want to watch fighting in hockey, yet they went crazy when the Ice Breakers were giving cheap shots to the Superchiefs.  Because we all know a shot in the groin is something to cheer about (actually…it is pretty funny.  Nevermind.)

A third segment that got to me was the other players.  They half-assed the process from the first Slap Shot.  From the first movie they had The Horny Guy, The Foreign Guy, The Young Talent with NHL aspirations, The Hanson Brothers, The Old School Guy who’s dumb and just fights and of course Paul Newman.

Slap Shot 2 figured: “Hey, if it ain’t broke, let’s steal it!”  They had The Hornier Guy (gets an STD AND has sex in the shower before a game…I imagine this must be what Tiger did before some of his majors…penicillin shot and a Denny’s waitress) , two foreign guys, a goalie with OCD and Tourette’s (just needed to be in a wheelchair for a going-to-Hell trifecta), The Young Talent with NHL aspirations (who asks about NHL scouts so many times I ended up involuntarily punching my spleen and losing control of my bowels), The Hanson Brothers (same actors…just 25 years older and using the same bits as the first Slap Shot) and new to the crew…The Black Guy (two major stereotypes were there…pregnancy with someone he isn’t dating and having Barry White baritone with Shaft-like tendencies…Jesse Jackson would have the director’s head, but I highly doubt he ever saw this.)

Next comes let’s look at the lead role.  Stephen Baldwin (fifth on the Baldwin depth chart behind three brothers and the pianos) plays Sean Linden, the captain of the Charleston Chiefs, 2 time All-American for Boston University and former NHL all-star who fizzled out after 8 suspensions and 6 DUIs  6!  Michael Vick has PETA…Sean Linden has MADD.  Linden had no shot with MADD.  Middle-aged women going through menopause with a rightful cause uniting them…Linden was SOL.

Enough background…let’s talk Sean Linden (and Stephen Baldwin) in the movie.  First off Baldwin rocks a mullet!  Normally this is a huge hit in my book, but not Baldwin’s straightened, permed scarecrow look.  His hair said business in the front, but martini and manicure party in the back.  I’m sure he wore a garter belt and corset under his jersey.  Secondly he drinks a Canadian beer!  Hockey player, went to an American college…and drinks Canadian!  I know Canada is hockey’s sport, that along with moose hunting, maple leaf collecting and Celine Dion worshiping.

Thirdly, Baldwin rocks the screen with the charisma and believability that Keanu Reeves showed in his Bill & Ted days.  It’s hard to take Baldwin’s character seriously when he sounds like he’s just waiting for the pizza guy to deliver they’re Reese Cup and Dorrito’s pizza so they can go back to watching the lava lamp bubble up and down while giggling like schoolgirls.  Lastly his catchphrase seems to be “I’m working on it.”  Not much of a hockey catchphrase.  Sounds more like Union Man, Teamsters Dude or Bryan Fraker (more than a week since my last post…I’m working on it!)  The only thing he didn’t have to work on was his love interest.

Jessica Dage (Jessica Steen) was the daughter of a fictional famous hockey player.  She’s cute.  She knows everything there is to know about hockey…and ends up becoming the new head coach of the Superchiefs!  She can play better than the boys.  She had a crush on Sean Linden when she was younger.  She thought he was cute.  She can cuss and act just like one of the guys, which means she becomes accepted!  She ends up making out with him in the locker room at the end of the movie.  Who saw that coming?!?!  (Pick me, pick me!!!)

I swear I could have written her part in without knowing anything about the movie while drunk on a Friday night talking to a cute girl who wanted to tell me that the only reason the Cleveland Browns suck was because the dreamy Brady Quinn wasn’t playing and the only reason I was listening to her was because I wanted to get inside her pa…passion with Cleveland sports…(whew!  Saved that one.)

As for the actual hockey parts, they were average (which means fantastic compared to the rest.)  They actually had the token footage of someone ducking an opponent to unleash a slap shot into an empty net as the goalie dove towards it, some hard checking and generic passing shots.  However they were juggling the freakin’ puck!  I know it’s CGI, but there is no way you could get even two players to juggle the puck, let alone five straight juggles or juggling the puck between two players 50 feet apart and then score a goal.  I would believe two men could procreate before I see those juggling skills on ice (um…does Junior ring a bell?  It can happen!  They’re working on it!)

I ended up looking up all the stats for the hockey doubles in the film and out of the eight players, only Jim Ralph was drafted (162 overall by the Chicago Blackhawks.)  At least we know real hockey players stayed away from this show…except one of the few good parts of the movie.

There were two good parts in this movie: one I saw coming and one that came out of left field and actually made me smile.  The first one was that this movie had the only thing that can turn a really bad movie into a watchable one (if only for a minute)…boobies!  They happened twice: once when The Hornier One was having sex in the shower before a game (they only showed her up against him, but there was prime side boob action…plus the actress wasn’t that bad looking) and the other time was during the last game from the Chief posse that followed the team to Omaha.  Two ladies in the first row stood up and showed everyone what genetics and mainly silicone gave them (I swear the nipple was on the top part of the boob they had so much work done on them.)

The other good part of this movie that came out of left field was an appearance by…Barry Melrose!  He is the only hockey guy ESPN can afford and he is one of the great things about Sportscenter.  He has a great mullet, loves to shout and yell, is old-school all the way, has an accent and doesn’t shy away from telling it like it is.  And he just lit into Sean Linden in his cameo…and it was everything I had hoped for and more.  Granted, NHL player Chris Chelios was there, too, but Melrose stole the show and I really enjoyed that 45 seconds of bliss through this puddle of piss.

Finally, there is one more character that needs to be critiqued.  The one man who I thought could at least give me some unintentional comedy by just being himself…Academy Award nominated (in 1978 for his role of Buddy Holly in The Buddy Holly Story…who knew) Gary Busey!  I was so psyched to see him in this movie.  I wasn’t sure what he was going to be.  Was he being the lead role?  Was he an enforcer who just goes crazy on anyone who looks at him the wrong way?  Is he the gay love interest of the main character?  Will he do full-frontal just for the hell of it?  I wouldn’t have been surprised about any of these scenarios.  But…

Busey was the evil owner.  He was Clairemont.  He wasn’t even a psycho owner who would kill anyone who didn’t agree with him.  Busey was the run-of-the-mill bad guy who was only into the new business venture as a way to make money.  That’s all he wanted.  The all mighty dollar.  He smoked cigars.  He pushed around assistants.  He laughed with other big-wigs.  But he never showed the Busey I know and love.

No random comments about the spirit and the Earth (Entourage).  No awesome mustache as a burned-out pitcher (Rookie of the Year).  No having his employer burn his forearm with a cigarette for a long time (Lethal Weapon).  Not even him making David Spade pee his pants (Black Sheep).  Just a subdued generic evil owner.

I’m betting the only way they got Busey to act the way he did for so long in this piece of crap was this scenario: the executive producers approached Busey with the script.  He immediately declined.  They countered with $5 million.  He choked on his omelette and heartily agreed.  He shows up the first day with his normal Busey-awesomeness by smelling Jessica Steen’s hair, giving Stephen Baldwin a lecture about how turtles are a metaphor for life and standing outside a port-a-john 30 minutes to yell at the boom mike operator for walking in his path on set.  The executive producers had enough.  They spiked his water with Xanax, animal tranquilizers and secretly hypnotized him while he was asleep.  The result of all this was the Busey I saw in Slap Shot 2…and I didn’t like it one bit.  The main draw of this movie neutered for Stephen Baldwin?  What a shame.  I’m sure after he came to when production stopped he got everyone back (I don’t even want to speculate…it wouldn’t do Busey justice.)

So to recap: crappy movie, crappy script, crappy music, crappy Baldwin, crappy love storyline, crappy rip-offs from other hockey films, so-so hockey scenes, crappy supporting players and a castrated Busey.  Put it all together and you got…Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice.

I will now hold my breath until I pass out, hit my head on the floor and forget this sequel ever happened.

A recent discussion after a night of drinking between friends has made me think long and hard over a simple question, yet has a complex answer:

What’s the worst movie you have ever seen?

On the surface it’s an easy question, but when you look deeper it becomes harder to reply.  What exactly qualifies as the worst?

Sure we all have movies we think were bad, but what if they were so bad that they were good?  I cite a little known movie called Scanner Cop.  Here is the tag line:

“Imagine a cop who can read your mind… then blow it away.”

A psychic Terminator?  I’m listening.  Here is a brief synopsis of the movie (from imdb.com)

“Sam Staziak, a rookie cop with the Los Angeles Police Department, is also a ‘scanner’ (psionic). When a string of murders begins to decimate the police department, Sam faces sensory overload and possible insanity as he uses his powers to hunt the man responsible for the killings.”

This sounds like a mix between Dirty Harry and Miss Cleo.  Boy was I wrong.

The plot sucked and the acting was awful, but it was funny to watch because two actors looked like famous people.  The police chief looked like Stacy Keach and the main character looked like Andy Pettite.  That led to just laughing at the movie whenever their characters were on-screen and imitating their famous counterparts in place of the movie dialogue.

So really, really bad movies on the surface can be enjoyable to laugh at.  Other examples of this: Ready to Rumble (a wrestling movie with David Arquette), Showgirls and Striptease (I’m sure they had plots…and they were horrible…but I’m a heterosexual man…I can’t help it), What Happens In Vegas (anything about sports or Vegas and I’m instantly hooked) and I’m sure there are others I’m forgetting.

However, there are movies that are SO BAD that I can’t stand to even look at them.  There are scary movies that aren’t scary, comedies that are unfunny and movies that in general are horrible and I hope whoever green lighted the movie for the company got fired.

Without further ado, here is my list of 5 Movies That Just Plain Sucked:

5. Rollerball (2002): This remake of a 1975 movie looked like good action.  I watched it with my dad at his apartment.  He was my age when the original came out so I can understand why he wanted to rent it (or I wanted to rent it and he knew it would suck, but it’s easier to just to agree with a 15-year-old who sees partial nudity in its description.)  Not even a possibly nude Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (I couldn’t tell…she was in the shadows) couldn’t save this P.O.S.  There was some decent action if you took it for face value.  When you try to connect the dots of the plot with the acts of violence?  My first brain aneurism AND stomach ulcer.  Awful movie.  I have yet to put on roller blades since I saw that movie (granted, I wouldn’t have anyway, but I’m sure the movie didn’t help matters.)

4. Michael (1996): Being a 9-year-old scamp I had a very limited option as to what movies I was allowed to see.  Looking through the paper one day to find a movie for my family and some friends to see I stumbled upon “Michael”.  I had a best friend named Michael so this movie is going to be great!  I went to see the movie with my friend Michael and what we saw just was atrocious for a 9-year-old.  The Archangel?  Breaking glass without using special Power Ranger lasers?  All dialogue and no real action?  John Travolta’s hair?  NOOOOO!!!!!  This was the first (and only time I can remember) where there was 20 minutes left in the movie and my leg was going up and down like a merry-go-round on speed.  Not higher because we went to the cheap theater during the day.  Not a lot of mom’s money lost here (plus we were 9…I forgot about it 5 minutes after we left the theater.

3. Bruno (2009): To be honest I’ve never seen this movie, but from what I’ve heard…#3 sounds about right.

2. Freddy Got Fingered (2001): One of my freshman year roommates at Ohio University (I lived in a quad inside the basketball arena…it was a prison only without problems with dropping the soap) swore by this movie.  It was his favorite movie of all-time.  I had my hesitations about starting the movie, but it was a slow day and I was in college so I had a lot of time on my hands.  Finally I broke down and watched it with him.  If I could only have those 87 minutes back I would use 1 minute to break the DVD, 10 minutes to wash out my eyes, 15 minutes to beat up my roommate for wanting me to watch that piece of crap, 30 minutes looking for cheap memory erasing and 31 minutes curled up on my bed in the fetal position murmuring “Amazing Grace” as I rock back and forth.

1. White Noise (2005): I took my high school sweetheart to see this movie.  Being an 18 year old I was thinking “Ok I like this idea.  I’m seeing a scary movie with my girlfriend.  I get to be the knight in shining armor and hold her for the scary parts.  I can’t wait!  Plus, with Michael Keaton in it how can it go wrong?”  I ended up staring at the screen for 101 minutes (on imdb.com it says the Swedish version is only 94 minutes…lucky Swedish bastards.) and wondering how in God’s name the white noise from my TV was scary, insightful or interesting.  It’s a TV!  White noise happens when you turn off your DVD player, when the cable goes out or when you turn to a channel that is not in existence.  It’s not for ghosts to come back as a medium to talk to me!  If I had something hard to throw at the screen and projector to make the movie stop I would have used that object to knock myself unconscious so I could be dragged out of the theater without seeing another second of that garbage.  Damn you Michael Keaton!  Damn you!!!

So that’s my list…what’s yours?