You know those blood alcohol content charts that tell you what your body does when you reach certain levels of drunk? Those are nice and give you a general idea of how your will feel, but don’t have real life practicality to them. After six drinks I will feel an increased feeling of invincibility? Does that mean I’m gonna walk in front of a moving car or jab straws in my eyes? After three drinks your heartbeat speeds up? How can I feel that? I don’t carry a blood pressure dohickie (I don’t want your fancy medical words…I’m aren’t not in skool anymores.) I feel that finally there should be a real-life description for how you will react after a certain amount of alcohol so one will have a greater understanding of how you act at each level…and naturally I went and made one. Enjoy.
Level 1: Base level (0-2 drinks)
Memory: 100% of the night. You are still a productive member of society and will be able to provide every detail of this night to your parents the next day if they were to ask about it.
Phone usage: Mainly to text/call friends to see what they are doing. You start out with your close knit circle of friends to gather them up either at the bar or at a party you are going to.
Drink of choice: Whatever is cheapest. Most likely you are going out during happy hour to start the night or having a few beverages at your place before you venture out to the bars in order to prevent losing your whole allotted amount of money for the night’s festivities.
Talking to women: Not yet. You’re self-esteem isn’t high enough at this level to talk to random girls at the bar/party. You tend to chill with your friends and just talk while either watching TV or scouring the area for girls you want to talk to later in the night if you can find the courage to talk to them. All the girls you see are of the 9-10 variety.
Pick-up line: “Hi, my name is Bryan. How are you?”…or at least that’s what you would say if you could walk up to them and speak without getting hiccups, having your voice crack or piss your pants.
Drink of choice for girls: Whatever they want. You’re trying to keep them around you as much as possible until they start to warm up to your sense of humor and nothing says that like free alcohol they choose.
Music preference: Whatever you normally like. Not enough alcohol can change it.
Food: Since you probably had a good dinner to give yourself a solid base you aren’t hungry at all and won’t be ordering food. You may nitpick at other people’s food, but only if it’s something that you really like to eat.
Peeing: Normal rate. You must likely hydrated yourself thoroughly with water before you stated drinking so that you will wake up very nice and ready to take on the day instead of your head throbbing and hating the world with a passion.
Dancing: Not at this juncture. There’s likely no one on the dance floor and far be it from you to start the dancing knowing that once you get out there the only thing you bring are standard ugly dancing like the Macarena, cranking that Soldier Boy (nice and fresh) and your version of the Dougie which mixes the Macarena with shampooing your hair.
Favorite position: Sitting at the bar.
Level 2: Buzzed (3-5 drinks)
Memory: 95%. You will remember every event, who was there and what you drank, but specific details of conversations tend to be forgotten. You will remember talking about which Sportscenter anchor you would like to make whoopie to, but you will forget the reasons why your buddy picked Chris Berman. You assume it had something to do with your buddy loving activities that are fat, loud and gay…hence why he enjoys sumo wrestlers at karaoke bars singing “It’s Raining Men” and fantasizes about Jonah Hill eating Pop Rocks while watching “Brokeback Mountain”.
Phone usage: Having already talked to all of your friends to come to the bar/party and getting responses to your request you now hone in on the girls who responded to your text (specifically the ones who are on the fence about it or are somewhere else near your area.) You continue innocent texts just to convince them to come where you are because everyone knows a party gets better with girls around.
Drink of choice: Draft beer or mixed drinks if cheap drinks are done. If the happy hour is done you choose either of these two because they are still filled with alcohol, but won’t quickly drain your budget like shots will.
Talking to women: Having gained a little liquid courage you finally make eye contact with girls who come around you at the bar for a drink; however any verbal communication consists of “What did you order?”, “Yeah I can move over for you” and an audible sigh mixed with looking away and continuing the erosion of your self-esteem to the point of wondering if it were possible for you to dig a hole in the ground and live of pond water and McDonald’s scraps so you won’t make an ass of yourself again. Attractiveness goes between girls who are a 7-10.
Pick-up line: “So what’s your major?” An awful pick-up line that has so many chances for failure: she graduated, she didn’t go to college, she has answered that question 3,289 times in her life already and even if she does answer the question the second she finishes her response she is looking for a way to get out of the conversation…so much so she may stab herself in the eye with a parasol as an excuse to go to the bathroom.
Drink of choice for girls: Beer. If it’s good enough for you it’s good enough for her. Since happy hour is over you don’t want to waste money on top shelf stuff if she’s just gonna walk away.
Music likes: Whatever they are currently playing in the bar. The combination of being buzzed, being in the same spot for 90 minutes and realizing you can’t change a preloaded playlist tends to make you apathetic to whatever is in the speakers. Plus you are too busy ribbing your buddy for picking Chris Berman and texting girls to notice.
Food: Chicken fingers. Solid choice that isn’t too filling so you can still drink, too outlandish that a bar doesn’t know how to make them or too expensive that it hurts your wallet. You also get the hottest sauce because you have plenty of beer to wash the heat down blatantly ignoring the fact beer makes spice worse.
Peeing: You waited so long for this first moment of urination. Everyone knows about not wanting to “break the seal” and will do the best we can to wiggle around and reject the urge to go to the bathroom, but finally you had to do it at this point. In a wave of pure relief and enjoyment you take a 3 minute pee that leaves you satisfied and ready to attack the rest of the night.
Dancing: You slowly start tapping your toes to the beat and swaying to the music without knowing it. Nothing above the kneecaps are moving yet because dancing is stupid according to Level 2 you.
Favorite position: Now that everyone you know has arrived you no longer sit in the bar seat/party chair and take a leaning position on the bar top, back of a chair or a 7 year old kid who wondered in randomly. Leaning gives you the comfort of seating with the ability to move at a moment’s notice.
Level 3: Drunk (6-9 drinks)
Memory: 85%. You are well aware of the fact you went to the bar, saw all your friends, had some drinks and had a good time, but you don’t remember the debate you had about which Friends character you would have sex with (you went with Joey…he’s just so innocent and has eyes that would make an albino man blush) or how many times people said you were allowed to pick a female character. Usually it’s just a conversation that left your mind or forgetting about meeting a friend that stopped by only for two minute. It’s nothing that bad to forget.
Phone usage: Having honed in on which girls are in the vicinity and may be able to stop by you pick three or four of them that you either have made out with before or are pretty sure if they came you could make out with them then. Instead of texting innocent jokes and playful words you now step your game up with more punctuation and increased persuasiveness. You throw around exclamation points around like they’re candy and beg and plead the girls you text to stop by because it really is a fun time and that “if they come you’ll make it worth their while :)” Important note: smiley faces, lol’s and haha’s are bountiful at this point regardless if they make sense or not. I mean, they’re harmless and are a little flirty, right?
Drinks: Bottled domestic beer because they tend to be cheaper, easier to chug and if you were to spill it on the dance floor it’s no problem. Occasionally you double fist, but you usually just have one so you can use your other hand to cut a rug and such.
Women: Having gotten to your drunk level you now look on the dance floor to find which girl you would like to make your move on. She has to be already dancing because you are too drunk to talk to women (a glaring and depressing problem of yours…you are too sober and scared to talk to women, but when you reach the correct level to meet new women you have a 15 second window that almost always ends in you being too drunk and scared to talk to women). Other characteristics you will look for include dancing by herself, groups of girls with at least four members in it (so you have fall-back girls to hopefully dance with) and no other guys trying to dance with a possible target (don’t want to deal with a boyfriend). As a result of these characteristics your target attractive rating is 5-7 because there’s no way an 8-10 fits what you are thinking and the 1-4 demographic is just unspeakable…at this moment.
Pick-up line: Any of the cheesiest ones you can think of, but you screw them up just slightly making any chance of them working near impossible. Examples: “Your last name must be Campbell’s because you’re delicious enough to eat”, “You must be an angel because you’ve been running through my mind all day” and even “If I were to rearrange the alphabet I would put my tongue and your mouth together.”
Drinks for women: Whatever shot they want. If you were to finally find a girl on the dance floor that fits everything you are looking for you will surely do anything to keep her talking/dancing with you. If she wants the Lemon Drop, she gets it. Buttery Nipples? Kamikazes? Red Headed Sluts? Yes, yes and sure bring your friends.
Music likes: Everything that is upbeat and danceable. Heavy bass and techno beats are very big with you right now and are thoroughly enjoyed. Black Eyed Peas, Basshunter, Kei$ha and some form Eastern European disco band named Forcken that makes beats using bodily functions (sneezing, farting, burping…it’s all there in a brilliantly choreographed song.)
Food: Anything that’s on the bar. Namely peanuts, pretzels, leftover food no one is watching. You’re looking to get something solid in your stomach and get right back out to the dance floor and finding the girl who you bought the Jolly Rancher shot went.
Peeing: You have broken the seal which means…three times an hour. You eventually come up with the perfect way to cycle the bar. Every 20 minutes you go here: the bar, friends, bathroom, friends, dance floor, repeat. It’s a flawless system that covers all your bases.
Dancing: Like a fiend. You’re wiggling your hips, pumping your fist, Riverdancing like a son of a bitch and showing off your amazing patented moves like The Sprinkler, The Shopping Cart, The Stubbed Toe, The Knight in Shining Armor, The Air Traffic Controller and of course…The Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Seating: Who has time to sit? You’re dancing!
Level 4: Wasted (10-12 drinks)
Memory: 50%. You remember going to the dance floor and going to the bathroom a lot, but who, what and how long you danced are going to Unsolved Mysteries. You remember a girl being there, but who she is and how attractive she was are total unknowns that make you really hope you didn’t make an ass of yourself. You remember talking with friends, but have no idea that you kept kissing them on the cheek and squeezing their asses as you walked by. In the end it’s details schmetails.
Phone usage: Having isolated three to four girls from your previous level you now pick one girl who seems the easiest to make out with and badger her to no end. You have no subtlety left in your system and are texting things that you think are sexy and funny at the time, but in reality are disturbing and pathetic. You text things like “I just want you to be on me!”, “I hope you’re not wearing pants ;)” and “What color is your underwear? I know…on my floor haha :)” These texts are ones that will get thrown in your face by the person you are talking to next time you see them and are the ones that when you read the very first sent text in the morning you instantly delete the rest of them because you don’t want to relive what happened. Any single ladies in your phone who are friends are collateral damage at times during this stage and that makes you feel like five times the dumbass in the morning.
Drinks: One shot of straight liquor that you think is a good idea, but in reality pushes you over the edge of drinking for the rest of the night. As a result of the poor taste of the liquor shot, the amount of saliva that gathered in your mouth as you almost vomit and how stuff is starting to spin you make the decision to no longer drink…by yourself. If the girl wants to drink more you’re damn right you’re there.
Women: Since it’s late in the night and most likely the first wave of girls you were slurring at are gone you set your sights just off the dance floor to the fringe. Here you will find girls who are with friends, but doesn’t feel like dancing, is too drunk to dance or is so embarrassed by not having a guy dance with them yet they just take a seat. Here is where you turn into your inner lion and go on the prowl of the weakling gazelle in the back of the pack. They are the easy ones to get…and you’re just hungry for some mouth-to-mouth action.
Pick-up line: “Hey you wanna make out?” No more of this bulls*** talk: let’s get busy.
Drinks for women: The Turkey Shoot. A shot of Wild Turkey mixed with powdered gravy. It gets the girls drunk and most likely the girl you are talking to now will be more interested in eating the gravy than drinking alcohol, but you want to get busy so you put liquor in the powdered gravy. It’s win-win.
Music likes: “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey. That’s it. Everything else is crap and you feel it’s your civic duty to request the song 43 times from the DJ and to tell everyone around you that any other music sucks.
Food: Street meat. Oh dear God do you want a gyro, hot dog or burger so bad right now that you will trip this Turkey Shoot girl you’re with just so she won’t get a single bite of it.
Peeing: Like an 80 year old man with a prostate the size of a basketball. You stand at the urinal for an extra three minutes just squeezing with all your might so you’re out of pee completely…even though 10 minutes later you’re back in there doing the same thing.
Dancing: As a result of your hardcore arm flailing, leg kicking and Turkey Shoot grinding you’re body is completely spent. Instead of dancing you are talking to Turkey Shoot at 1:30 am and trying to get her to come home with you as her friends keep trying to get her to leave with them because Taco Bell is only open until 2. You try and run around the bar with Turkey Shoot to keep pitching going home with you, but there are just too many friends and too little time to get it it done by yourself. You look for some wingman help from your friends, but they are too busy laughing at you and texting other friends about Turkey Shoot to help you in this endeavor. After some final desperate pleads by you Turkey Shoot and her friends leave and you now find yourself alone and wasted at 1:50 am.
Seating: Back at the bar with your head in your hands or your head completely laying down on the bar. It’s the only way to hold off the shame of missing the chance on Turkey Shoot and also keep the room from spinning.
Level 5: Blackout (>13 drinks)
Memory: 0%. Don’t worry about blood you get from jumping in that bush, the pain you feel after spraining your ankle while sprinting down the sidewalk or the bruise you’ll have after your friend punched you in the arm as hard as they could because you called him a pussy and telling him that CVS may be open for more tampons if you need them: you won’t remember any of this.
Phone usage: If for some miraculous reason your phone still has battery life left after all you’ve done so far with it now is where you become King Stupid. You text any and all booty calls you may have had in the past regardless of how long it’s been and if they’re even in the same state as you. It’s 2:30 am and most likely they’re not awake right now, but you give it the old college try anyway. You even text the one girl you swore you would never text again because you did some things really drunk you didn’t expect to do…but you end up texting her about a certain part of the male anatomy doing unspeakable things to a couple of parts of the female anatomy. Again you won’t remember this so what’s the harm?
Drinks: Whatever the mixture of everything you’ve drank throughout the night tastes like when it comes back out of your stomach and out of your mouth in the form of vomit. As for where you vomit there is no end to the possibilities: in the toilet, in a trash can, your leg, your friend’s leg, a parked car, in a beer pitcher, a random baseball hat, the middle of the street, a garden gnome, on top of roadkill or even in the grass right where you dropped your keys. You don’t remember this, but it’s what your friends said happened.
Women: What women will answer your texts that are drunk and disgusting or smell your puke breath? Having said that…anyone female who is not related to you is fair game.
Pick-up line: “Hey girl…wanna come with me?…don’t worry I have a breath mint and a packet of powdered gravy just for you!” Good thing what you just tried to pick up was just your shadow.
Drinks for women: No one will get within 50 feet of you so even if you could buy a drink for a women they won’t take it.
Music likes: “The Stop Puking Song”: an original song created by you in between heaves. You’ve sang this song before, but it had different words and dance moves to go along with it…or so your friends say because as stated many times before you won’t remember any of this stuff.
Food: Having emptied your stomach of any and all contents you are ready for good old fashioned drunk food. However none of the drive thrus are within walking distance and your don’t want to pay for pizza, but you have noodles. You start the burner to make the food, put in the contents and by the time you realize what happened you wake up in the morning to find your burner still on, the noodles completely black and the pot ruined forever because the bottom of the pot has burned all the way through.
Peeing: Providing you didn’t pee your pants at any moment you will wake up at random intervals and start peeing at random places at the place you’re staying at. If you are in your bed you can make your way to your bathroom because you know where it is, but if you’re somewhere else there’s a chance you will pee in the corner of a room, in front of a bedroom door, in a dirty clothes hamper, on your floor or even somewhere else you would never expect…only problem is trying to explain to your roommates why the remote control is covered in a weird smelling liquid in the morning because you have no recollection of the event.
Dancing: The only dancing involved here is the Pants Dance. You unbutton and unzip your pants and start wiggling your body up and down until the pants finally fall down after 17 minutes of idiocy.
Seating: The top of your body in the bathroom and the bottom half of your body in the hallway.
So…there you go. I hope this provides a better idea of where your feelings and actions will be after a certain amount of drinking with the Levels of Drunk. Now go my minions! Find yourself a Turkey Shoot all your own!
