I know I didn’t write anything after the Penn State and the state up north (I’mstupidandmakeoutwithfamilymembers) games, but I just couldn’t bring myself to write either post.  Both were close losses and I just ran out of excitement for reliving football misery.  I will, however, write a season in review after the bowl game (come on Little Caesar’s bowl!  Getting shanked in Detroit while attending a bowl sponsored by a $5 large pizza chain is exactly what I want on my tombstone!)  There are two other Ohio State happenings that I need to chime in about…

1. Urban Meyer

Ohio State trying to tell everyone that we weren’t hiring Urban Meyer was the biggest lie since any time a girlfriend asks her boyfriend if he thinks one of her friends is cute (you want us to be honest with you…yet you ask us about your friend…if I say yes I’m leering at other women and I’m in the doghouse…if I say no I’m insulting her friend and I’m in the doghouse…I’ll take a swift kick in the balls, please.)  Having said that…

I CAN’T BE MORE EXCITED FOR THE MEYER DYNASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a word to describe the excitement I have for the hire.  Urboner?  Nah.  Meyerection?  Sounds like I’m just talking about myself.  It’s an UrbanMeyerIsOhioState’sHeadCoachHardOn (or UMIOSHCHO for semi-short).  Anyway my UMIOSHCHO is at full staff right now.

Listening to and watching highlights of the press conference made me unbelievably jacked up for at least (hopefully) the next 10 years.  Meyer’s intensity and accomplishments should get any Ohio State fan with a pulse thrilled.  Born in Ohio.  Went to school in Ohio.  Made Bowling Green viable.  Undefeated at Utah.  Two BCS championships in six years at Florida.  And now…home.

I know there could be some hesitation to go all-in with the hire because of Meyer’s health issues, but there was a huge thing in the press conference that should relieve some of that: he mentioned bringing in excellent coaches.  Having a year off to relax and reflect Meyer realized he didn’t want to be the coach who never sees his family or enjoys life.  He needed to step away and learn to find the balance…hence getting excellent coaches to surround him at all times so he won’t need to micro-manage every minute detail of the program.

I do have one reservation for the hire and it doesn’t have to do with Meyer himself.  We need to learn from the past and not build Meyer as a God.  It’s where Joe Paterno became and, closer to home, Jim Tressel was before he was fired.  I don’t believe Meyer will become that himself.  He’s a man who’s driven to making Ohio State the best program in the nation…but my guard is up and I don’t want people anointing him The Chosen One and putting him above the university.

That being said…get ready I’mstupidandmakeoutwithfamilymembers University up north.  Savor your one win in the last eight years.  You barely beat us with your best shot.  Now we have Urban Meyer.  Get ready for a hellstorm for the next decade.

My UMIOSHCHO is ready.

2. Men’s Basketball

On to the second piece of OSU business: the men’s basketball team.

THEY ARE REALLY F***ING GOOD!!!

I went to the Valparaiso game on Friday for a blast from the college past: a basketball game, getting hammered at Thirsty Scholar and ordering drunk food at PJ’s (nostalgia was through the roof…or maybe through the bottom of my glass…that’s more appropriate).  Anyway after the game I saw a couple things that were problems come March Madness if not improved on:

Free throw shooting.  It was pretty bad Friday, but that will come.  Thad “Birdman” Matta doesn’t subscribe to the John “It’s not cheating if you don’t get caught over 14 times” Calipari school of thought (free throws are meaningless)A consistent three-point threat.  With Jon Diebler gone we will need someone to step up and become the deep option come crunch time.  The great equalizer in March Madness is the three point line.  It’s the same length for mid-majors as it is for the big boys.  This hasn’t been an issue thus far, but just a concern.Team defense.  Individually Ohio State has the quickest hands (led by Aaron “Trust me I’m 20, not 12” Craft) I’ve seen, but the few times zone was thrown out it was rusty. 

Granted I don’t know that much about the team…or basketball…or women…but those three things were what I think I saw in a trap game the night before the football game and Duke.  Then Duke happened and proved one thing:

I know nothing.

It was a thorough beat down last night.  Ohio State scored every which way possible at ease, frustrated the Duke players on the defensive end and gave the rowdy fans in attendance a dominant performance that we will not soon forget.

Craft is a beast.  Jared Sullinger is a beast.  William Buford is a beast.  Deshaun “Chucker” Thomas has talent.  While previous Ohio State teams had great individual players had individual talent…this team seems like the best team in terms of on floor chemisty.  It’s like everyone is in sync with each other, knows where everyone will be and what they like and execute perfection.

A big thing that Ohio State did last night was make the extra pass.  The ability to pass up a semi-open shot for a wide open look for a teammate is huge when you play great teams.  Great teams will force you to move the ball around and earn every point.  Being able to make the extra pass successfully is needed to win grind-out wins and Ohio State is able to do that.

I’m excited for this season.  When the stars were out, the atmosphere was rocking and the lights were brightest…OSU shined the brightest.  No stage will be too big for this team and with the combination of offensive chemisty and suffocating man-to-man defense this team is a force to be reckon with.

It’s great to be a Buckeye.

It’s official. 2011 Ohio State football is like my golf game: there’s always something wrong every time out.  It’s never same thing either.  One time it’s the offensive line.  The next it’s late game defense.  And now we come to this…a critical special teams mistake.  The difference for football is that you can’t just throw you clubs in the water, quit the game and get wasted at the 19th hole.  The season goes on whether or not you want it to.

Winners

• Braxton Miller’s closing.  Say what you will about his quarterbacking in general right now, but when he needs to be great…he is.  Throwing the touchdown to tie the game at 20-20 on fourth down in the last minute of the game at Purdue was amazing.  Miller had to scramble around, hurdle a defender, slip on the painted yard line and float a ball that seemed destined to suck, but landed right in the arms of Jordan Hall.  I can deal with 59 minutes of garbage if the final minute leads to a victory.  It’s kind of like Tim Tebow…only Miller can play quarterback.
• West Lafayette.  I don’t know what the hell it is with this town, but Ohio State gets their talent sapped as soon as they step off the bus.  2011, 2009, 2005…all losses.  It’s like the Bermuda Triangle for football.  I can understand why.  You have to drive through Indiana to get there, there’s one major intersection, it’s a long walk from the parking lot to the field…it sucks.  I don’t get it.  Maybe we should flood the damn town.
• Closeout liquor.  I walked into the liquor store near my house looking to get my one and only love Sailor Jerry’s, but got distracted by this grocery cart.  It had bottles of liquor on discount.  They had a bottle of rum for $10!  WOO!!!  Sign me up for two!  There’s nothing better than closeout liquor.  You pay less for more stuff and I have no ill effects yet…other than the blackening of my liver and the potential poisoning of my brain with cleaning chemicals known as closeout liquor.
• Marine blues.  The Marine Corps ball was last week…and my God they were breathtaking.  If I weren’t so heterosexual and afraid I’d get my ass kicked I would have made out with anyone in uniform….wow that’s weird…moving on.

Losers

• Ohio State.  In general the team gets this.  Fickell’s coaching chances for 2012, the offensive line not supporting the run or pass much, Braxton’s deep ball…it all didn’t work.

S*** List: Boiler Up!  Dumbest thing in the f***ing world.

My apologies to everyone for again taking until Friday to get this post out.  I had to comment on Penn State’s situation on Tuesday, took a six hour nap until 11 pm on Wednesday, went to the Blue Jackets game on Thursday and just now can get to writing the post.  As I penalty I will take off my pants and give myself 40 lashes with a two week old loaf of Jimmy John’s bread.

Winners

• Zen followers.  I never though the game was out of hand.  Down 10-0 in the first quarter.  Tied late in the third quarter at 20-20.  Indiana driving to tie the score at 27 in the 4th.  I found a special center for the game.  It was like I was in my happy place…except I was hungover from Friday night and not swimming in a pool of boobies wearing a diamond crusted Speedo while wearing a beer helmet.  Having a relaxed attitude is something that will definitely help people get through this season.
• Braxton Miller’s legs.  Willis McGahee had his knee insured.  Troy Polamalu has his hair insured.  Ron Jeremy had his penis insured…maybe.  We need to get Miller’s legs insured pronto.  However, since he won’t be able to collect money as an NCAA athlete, I figure if (God forbid) he gets hurt Progressive should give us 21 points for every game he’s not out…or one no holds barred night with Flo…I’m good either way (Hey!  Don’t judge me!  Someone finds the way she takes insurance head on and bright red, pouty lips that she’s like a sexy rodeo clown…shut up!)
• Buckeye Guy.  Every time I see this guy on TV or at a home game…I smile.  The guy just looks like an awesome guy to hang out with.  The cowboy hat.  The white cape.  The OSU flair all over his clothes.  The convertible painted like a Buckeye helmet.  The finger guns he gives the TV camera.  I’m not gay, but if I were and I were looking for an interracial nude frolic through a meadow with a guy who looks like a pro wrestler…he’s #2 on that list behind Booker T.
• Bar Crawls.  Last Saturday a group of friends and I took part in a golf related bar crawl.  It was Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes.  Guys dressed like douchy golf pros while the women dressed up as sexy tennis players.  We started at 5:45 pm.  It ended when I woke up the next morning in a daze wondering what happened.  Here’s the card we used.  It’s supposed to be full:

Front

Back (Rules)

If you’ve never done one I HIGHLY recommend it.  It will be an absolute blurst (a blast that’s a blur).

• Flip cup with adults.  Something else I did last Friday was play flip cup with adults for the first time ever.  And let me tell you…it’s a riot.  They get into it as much as the younger crowd does and you can just see in their eyes reminiscing about the days of yore when they would play drinking games with their friends.  At first their clueless how to play and flip the cups, but eventually they get the hang of it.  Nothing says fun quite like a balding, gray haired man scream out loud in victory.  Priceless.

Losers

• Offensive line.  Giving up six sacks to a team that’s 1-8?  What?!?!?  I know it’s kinda tough when Braxton has the ability to run and you’re never sure where he’ll be…but six sacks to Indiana?  That’s not gonna cut it.
• “Failure to monitor”.  F**********************K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Big Ten Network audio.  I don’t know if other people had this problem, but for the entire first half the audio was half a second behind the video for our apartment TV.  It wasn’t a big deal during the football action, but whenever they showed the announcer’s booth, someone kicked the ball or a coach swore on the sidelines…it never sounded right.
• Indiana’s band attractiveness.  I wasn’t sure if that was a human playing an instrument in their band or if Gollum infiltrated their ranks because his precious was buried under the 50 yard line.  On a scale of 1-10 they were throw acid in my eyes.  I know this sounds mean, but…it’s just true!  I’m sorry!  I can’t help that whenever they spanned the band I fought back vomit and yelled an audible “Oh God!”  It’s good to see that IU is getting extra cash by hiring circus freaks for their woodwind section.  I’ve heard of people’s faces being able to cut rock, but these faces could stop bullets.  I think my penis actually tried to hang itself…luckily there wasn’t enough slack to tie the knot………..um……ignore that.

And here we are…the S*** List.  This week’s winner would be Girls Who Don’t Kiss Cheeks.  On the bar crawl your team would get -3 every time a stranger kissed a member of your team.  It’s very simple…just a peck on the cheek works.  That’s all!  They do it in Europe to say hello!  The girls had no problem having guys plant a fresh one on their cheek…but girls can be so uptight.  At one bar in particular I got shot down by a group of three bartenders…AND A FOURTH ONE THEY BROUGHT OVER JUST SO SHE COULD SAY NO TO MY FACE!!!  “Am I that hideous?” I’d ask myself.

Maybe I should join the IU band.

Joe Paterno must be fired.

I’m gonna be honest…this post is going to be a little emotional because of the subject matter, the legal process is still going and everyone should be presumed innocent until proven guilty…but this is the court of Bryan Fraker.  I dictate the rules.

Everyone knows about the issue at hand, but in case you for some reason have yet to hear about the situation at College Station, here are the Cliff Notes:

Jerry Sandusky was arrested Saturday after a three year investigation led to 40 charges of various sexual assaults involving eight boys and spanning 15 years starting in 1994.  Sandusky was a Penn State assistant coach/defensive coordinator from 1969-1999.  At one time he was considered to be the heir apparent to the head coaching job if Paterno ever stepped down.

Sandusky used a foundation he created in 1977 called Second Mile to meet the boys.  According to their website Second Mile is “for children who need additional support and who would benefit from positive human contact.”  Sandusky would get the boys gifts, take them to Penn State practices and have them spend the night at his house where he would sexually abuse them.

Where Joe Paterno comes under fire is from one of these incidents that happened in 2002. 

Mike McQueary, a graduate assistant at the time and current wide receivers coach, walked in on Sandusky performing anal intercourse on a boy in the Penn State football showers.  McQueary ran out, told his dad about it and they both told Joe Paterno. 

Paterno, as is required by law, then told Athletic Director Tim Curley.  Curley is legally bound to tell the police about incidents involving child abuse, but he never did.  He only banned Sandusky from bringing children around the football building.  Not only did Curley not tell police about it…he lied to a grand jury about what he did.  As a result Curley has been charged with perjury and is currently on administrative leave.  Additionally the man who oversaw the Penn State police department, senior vice president of finance and business Gary Schultz, was indicted on perjury as well and he has resigned.

Let me make this perfectly clear: everyone in this chain is to blame.  Every single person who knew about this and didn’t tell police.  I don’t care if the book says to tell your superior about illegal activity and that’s all you have to do.  The book is for NCAA issues…this is a legal issue.  If you see a superior sexually abusing a child your duty is no longer to the university and its chain of command…it’s to society. 

You have to tell the police immediately.  I hear people saying there’s fear of a lawsuit and that a graduate assistant won’t have much say…bullshit.  If you saw what you saw you report it because it will be taken seriously.  This is a horrible crime that should never go unreported to the cops.

Now let’s breakdown everyone in this scenario one-by-one, starting with McQueary: No sane person should ever allow another man to abuse a child.  Ever.  McQueary walked in on Sandusky and the boy…then walked out!  How can you live with yourself after that?  I don’t care if the man’s bigger than you.  You find something to stop the heinous act of a man violating a child.

If I saw this happening anywhere you’re damn right I’m going to give everything I have to stop it.  I may lose, but I will try until I can’t try anymore.  I can defend myself against another man…a child cannot.

McQueary screwed up by not stopping what he saw and then not reporting it, but at least he told someone.  Curley didn’t even do that.  He felt that not allowing Sandusky to bring kids in the football building was good enough.  That’s just saying “Hey, I don’t like you having sexual contact with kids in my football shower…do it somewhere else.”  Getting it away from you does not mean it will stop.  How is that not flawed logic?

At least Curley will get hit with the perjury charge and hopefully thrown in jail for his erroneous actions from the 2002 incident; Paterno doesn’t have that.  He’s clean according to the law…but he still needs to be punished.

Not only did Paterno not file with police, but Sandusky was allowed to come to campus after the 2002 incident happened.  There was even talk of Sandusky being at a practice in 2007…with a kid!  What?!?!?  He should have had his Penn State privileges revoked for life and never allowed to step on campus again.  Paterno is the big man on Penn State’s campus and could easily have had this done. 

I know we are seeing everything now nine years after the incident and after Sandusky was arrested, but even if we take the emotions out and  Paterno should have acted based on the seriousness of the charge.  The negatives that come out of telling the police about a man molesting a child and being wrong far outweigh the negatives that come of hearing a story, not telling police and that story being true.

For those people who say Paterno is just old and couldn’t handle all that was happening…shut up.  He was the head coach of Penn State football.  It doesn’t matter if you’re 25 or 85…you have the same responsibilities and standards as every other coach.  You still get the wins.  You still get the fame.  You still get the money.  That means you still get the blame when the shit hits the fan.  Age is not an excuse.

This isn’t meant to be a rail on Joe Paterno post.  The man was a great coach.  He was at Penn State for over 60 years with 46 of them as the head coach.  He made that program what it is today.  He has donated to Penn State and helped out in the community in other ways.  He is a revered man…but this is the end.

Paterno’s son has said that his dad is in this for the long run and isn’t going to resign.  That’s fine.  In this case it might be better to be fired.  If Paterno resigns right now the public may see that as an admission of guilt on his part and that he knows more than he’s letting on.

This vile scandal is more depraved than the recent Baylor basketball scandal in 2003 when a player (Claude Dotson) killed a teammate (Patrick Dennehy) and the head coach (Dave Bliss) tried to cover up illegal money he gave Dennehy before he died by telling his team to lie and say Dennehy was a drug dealer to cops after Dennehy died.  Bliss was caught on tape, fired and placed on a 10 year “show-cause” penalty, essentially being blackballed from coaching again…Sandusky was allowed to continue molesting boys for seven more years after the 2002 incident…but his day will come.

Say what you will about the prison system in America, but there are two people who don’t do well in prison: pedophiles and rapists.  If Sandusky is found guilty of these crimes he’ll get what’s coming to him.  He will get real close to Bubba and when he passes on, if there’s a Hell, I’m sure there will be some special treatment waiting for him.

As for the Penn State football team itself there should be no sanctions on the program.  The kids already in the program didn’t know about this and there’s no reason to punish them.  It wasn’t an attempt to get a leg up on competition.  Although the players should be safe there needs to be a complete gutting of the coaching staff and administration who oversaw this will need to be done. 

These men will face the consequences for their actions, or inactions, in this scandal.  What we don’t know is how or when everything will wrap up, but there’s one thing that is for certain needs to be done:

Joe Paterno must be fired.

Sorry folks for the delay in this post.  I’ve had a busy week of working late, having dinner with Mama Fraker and still fitting in a healthy, responsible intake of alcohol.  In honor of it being Friday I will keep this short and sweet with one sentence for each point so you can read my stuff and quickly get back to what we all want…Jersey Shore marathon on MTV2.

Winners

• Pacemaker companies.  What’s the best way to generate lots of business for you?…lots of fried food, booze and having Ohio State almost lose and pull out the win in a matter of 30 seconds.
• 2nd half offense.  Can we just bottle the offense we had in the second half and use that for every second of every game…that would be great.
• Zombie Woody.  He exists!…lots of running, but using the pistol and option a whole lot more than normal Woody did…I just hope he doesn’t start eating brains.
• Special teams.  Blocking a punt…kicking field goals…punting the ball…looking sexy…it’s all there…what?
• Boom Herron.  Great to have you back, buddy and the team seems to be feeding off you, but if you take even a stick of gum without clearing it through the NCAA…you will kick my ass because I will find you on campus, come charging at you with a garden rake wearing plaid overalls with the crotch cut out of it, trip on myself and you and all surrounding students will pummel me…on second thought, great job.
• Quailman.  Check this out…enough said.

Losers 

• Wisconsin secondary.  Two straight weeks of blowing the game…ouch…sucks for those bastards in the land of beer and cheese.
• 2nd half OSU defense.  Yeah remember our bottling talk for the offense?…let’s flush the second half defense down the toilet, ok?
• 1st half offense.  This, too.
• My memory.  8 pm kickoff + Workoholics marathon + Halloween weekend = not having a clear picture of everything that happened in the game…oops.

S*** List

• Companies who have started plugging Christmas stuff.  Does Thanksgiving mean nothing anymore?…does it???…you stuff your face with food, watch football and have awkward conversations with family members you only see on Thanksgiving and you aren’t totally sure if this person is in your family…WTF?!?!?!?!?

It’s official: I have no f***ing clue about this team.

One game Ohio State blows the doors off an Ohio team.  Then Ohio State can barely beat an Ohio team.  Then the next game Ohio State can’t do anything right.  Then the nexter game it’s another blowout.  Then the nexterer game the favorite play call was “QB Get Sacked”.   Then the nextererer game Ohio State decides to only play one half and forget how to tackle in the second half.  Then the nexterererer game Ohio State ignores half its offense, but dominates anyway.

That’s it…I’ve had it.  I’m making a bold prediction that will happen this weekend to Ohio State for sure.  Whoever they’re playing they will win 523-522, score 521 straight points in the first quarter, turn the ball over 42 times in the second quarter while giving up 322 points, make the halftime show involve an Elvis impersonator making out with Eli Whitney, sack the opponents 134 times in the third quarter, give up 200 more points in the fourth until the opponent’s QB fumbles the quarterback kneel in the end zone, falls on it and Ohio State wins by getting a safety at the gun.

BOOM!  Take that!…huh?…uh-huh…mmm-hmm…yeah…so you say Ohio State’s on a bye week…mmm-hmm…ok…I should lay off the meds for awhile…yeah…ok…sounds good Dr. Colonel Sanders.

Anyway…onto the Winners & Losers!

Winners

• Ohio State’s running game.  Quite a show put on.  Somewhere Zombie Woody is smiling with the 211 yards rushing…or he just ate a brain…either way’s good.  The return of Dan “Boom…go the NCAA gavels for more suspensions” Herron for 114 yards on 23 carries  was a breath of relatively fresh air.  On one hand it was great he was as sharp as last season, but at the same time Hall and Hyde (more on him later) were doing a great job and are not seniors.  I see it as a way for Herron to show his skills to the NFL, we use his ability for wins and it keeps Hall and Hyde hungry to make themselves better…at least this is what I tell myself.
• Jake Stoneburner.  Cheers to the only man to catch a ball Saturday…and it was for a touchdown.  On the season Stoneburner has 12 catches for six touchdowns.  One of every two catches is the best thing that could happen.  I want those odds in everything I do.  Applying for a job.  Gambling on anything.  Hitting on a girl.  Sleeping with said girl and lasting more than 13 seco…hey, everybody let’s just ignore what I just wrote and move on, shall we?
• John Simon.  This junior defensive tackle is an absolute beast.  He got eight tackles on Saturday, four for loss and two sacks to be the Big Ten Defensive Player of the Week.  He’s been a constant force on defense this season…um…I’d go for a joke here, but upon looking up his stats I saw he could bench press 450 lbs. and squat 700 lbs.  He can bench press two of me!…I mean three…I’m nothing but 150 lbs. of pure muscle, skill and tiny penis…I mean micro-wiener…I mean I’m 215 lbs. of pure wings, beer and hair…um…can we move on?
• Mother Nature.  Somebody decided to bluster on Saturday, didn’t she?  Wind gusts of 30 MPH rocked Memorial Stadium which may have had something to do with the lack of Ohio State passing…or not…how about those journalism skills, eh?  You reading this ESPN?  I can work for you!  I even turned down the vulgarity for this point.  I didn’t make one reference to how Mother Nature’s a woman and the wind that blustered through the game was because she was nagging about playing football instead of raking the leaves or she’s mad because men were ogling Lady Luck and not her or she was making life miserable because she was on her peri…um…ladies, let’s just ignore what I just wrote and move on again, ok?…oh boy…I’m screwed.
• Campus nostalgia.  I had a lot of friends visit their alma maters this weekend for homecoming, so what did I do?  That’s right!…cry in the dark alone.  But to be truthful I visited Ohio State’s campus with some friends.  It was just how I remembered it.  Went to my favorite bar (Out-R-Inn), had $1.50 drinks all game, the upstairs smelled of urine…it was awesome!  Had some great times in that place…at least the 25% I remember I had fun…uh-oh…let’s just move on present/future employers, interventionists and family members who judge me, alright?

Losers

• Dominic Clarke and Carlos Hyde.  Clarke is on this list because he got into some sort of brew-ha-ha at the Ohio State dining hall called Marketplace.  For those of you who don’t know Marketplace is the best, most populated dining hall on campus.  It’s adjacent to underclass athletes and near 75% of all freshmen living on campus.  Apparently Clarke was up there with two other athletes firing a “compressed air gun” at people who walked by.  How dumb are you to think that’s a good idea?  You think no one’s gonna see you?  You were caught because people looked out of their dorm room to see you on the roof shooting the gun.  So stupid.  Carlos Hyde was dumb, too, but nearly to the degree Clarke was.  Hyde tweeted after the game Saturday his displeasure about not starting and taking himself elsewhere.  It was taken down, but when it’s sent, it’s sent.  We’ve all made that mistake and I understand Hyde is frustrated with Herron starting snap one and Hyde only getting three mop-up carries for eight yards.  Hyde: you’re fine.  You’re only a freshman.  You’ve proven yourself as a commodity to this football team for years to come.  Take a deep breath and support your team.  I love you…uh-oh…that came out wrong…hey, let’s go to the next thing!
• Ohio State’s passing game.  I know we won the game, the only completion was a touchdown and it wasn’t in the gameplan to throw a lot, but…WAAAH!!!!!!!!!  I WANTED TO SEE BRAXTON THROW THE BALL MORE!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…um…ok…uh…hey future son of mine who I will teach how to act like a man and not cry when you’re 24 years old about something as stupid as not seeing something even though you won, just forget what you just read, ok non-existent person?  Thanks!
• My coolness.  I had a 20 minute conversation with someone else about U.S. Presidents.  And not just “What president was the best?” or “What president would you have a beer with?”…it was “Who’s the most under appreciated president ever?” or “Who screwed up the most?”  I had this debate on a Saturday night…in a bar…with people listening…actually, the hell with it…I had a fun time doing it!  I’d do it again, too!  And as for my coolness…I’ve never had any!  Comes genetic with every Fraker.  Only time I’ve been called cool is when I make it rain on the strippers at Chippendale’s and their wei…..we need to move on, now!

As we reach the end of the post it’s that time again…the S*** List.  This entrant made it’s way onto the list before the Illinois game on that Wednesday at a bar.  People, please, when you’re at karaoke…don’t be Depressing Song Singer/Too Serious Guy. 

When I say DSS I don’t mean any song that’s serious is wrong.  As long as it’s being played on the radio now it’s fair game for karaoke, but if it’s something like Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” about a kid who committed suicide…don’t sing it!  You bring the energy down, no one listens to you until you stop singing and you get the pity applause that’s more for the fact you stopped than a gauge of how well you did.  People at a karaoke night want fun songs.  Spice Girls “Wannabe”.  Offspring “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)”.  House of Pain “Jump Around”.  Fun, upbeat songs get people involved and excited to hear you. 

Let’s make karaoke something primo…not emo.

Anyone remember what happened at the end of the game last week?  I watched until Braxton Miller got injured then something must have happened at the bar I was at because they put on a game show called Grab Ass and Free Footballs Everywhere! (or GAFFE for short).  It was weird, though, because the people, places and things were the same, but a GAFFE definitely happened.

White jersey wearing players were grabbing at red color jersey wearing players and one white jersey guy kept giving away free footballs to the crowd.  He should try out for baseball because he can throw it hard.  The white jerseys were great at GAFFE, but the red players weren’t.  They were running around past this thick white line and instead of giving away free footballs (every fan was cheering…they wanted it!) they were just running around celebrating.

Apparently they don’t know how to correctly perform a GAFFE…the white jerseys did…wait, what?…it was still a football game…no way!…Ohio State was dominant until Braxton…uh-huh…uh-huh…huge letdown…28 unanswered points in second half…not a new game…hmmm…ok…umm…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winners

• Braxton’s Poise.  The Jekyll and Hyde act of quarterbacking reached it’s toughest challenge yet and naturally he did what every true freshman is supposed to do…look completely polished and the best player on the field at all times.  5-8 passing for 95 yards and a touchdown, 10 rushes for 91 yards and looking like a veteran quarterback.  He scanned the whole field on some passes if the first read wasn’t there and if he tucked it to run or ran a called quarterback draw it was with purpose and not tentative at all.  As bad, young, raw and Mr. Hyde-ish Braxton looked against Michigan State at home he looked that good, confident, poised and Dr. Jekyll-ish against Nebraska.  There’s no doubt that if he didn’t get hurt Ohio State was winning that game.  Unfortunately he hurt his leg somewhere in the third quarter and didn’t come back in.  Not even the prayers of any and every Ohio State fan could bring him back.  Luckily Braxton will be ready this weekend for Illinois…now let’s hope Mr. Hyde is a thing of the past…except for one case…
• Mr. Hyde’s Future.  Carlos Hyde continues to progress as a runner.  Although he got 64 yards on one run he still ended up with 104 yards on the game to be the first rusher to break the century mark this year for Ohio State (shocking…usually we’d get the first guy to the century mark by the time the first Ohio team we play steps off the bus in Columbus).  Carlos has showed how powerful his 240 lb. frame has been for the start of the year he showed a flash of a fifth gear on the 64 yard touchdown run.  I’ve heard people compare him to Eddie George, and I know it’s really high praise and possible blasphemy on all of us for comparing a freshman to the immortal 27 (praise Eddie!), but if Carlos keeps progressing at this rate…he could be the next Pepe Pearson…I mean Maurice Hall…I mean Poopy McGee…I mean great OSU back.
• First half defense.  Now this is Silver Bullet defense!  Holding the #14 ranked team in their house to six points in the first half and 132 yards of offense.  Tackling wasn’t an issue.  The option offense Nebraska does wasn’t fazing anyone.  Now we’re looking good!
• Cookouts.  Went to a cookout before the game Saturday and it reminded me just how amazing cookouts are.  Grilling.  Beer.  Games.  Beer.  Laughing.  Beer.  It’s everything you could ask for in a good time.  I’m about to construct a giant bubble in my back porch area so we can still cookout in the winter.  It’ll be a giant greenhouse that will fill with smoke from the grill and laughter from everyone’s good times…actually that sound like we’re growing pot.  Scratch that.
• Bachelorette Parties.  What’s the best way to get over a heartbreaking comeback loss?  Finding 10 girls dancing around in a group around one girl with some sort of sash on her!  It worked for me Saturday.  I started dancing in the middle of the group and had a grand old time.  I even got to chatting with an attractive girl in a fedora for awhile…or maybe it was a dude who straightens his mullet.  Either way…good times.

Losers

• 2nd half after Braxton’s injury.  No need to rehash what this means.  Every Buckeye fan has the trouble seared in their brains for life.
• Bauserman’s brain on Saturday.  Allow me to steer away from bullet points for a bit so I can give you the inner thoughts of Joe Bauserman’s brain on Saturday.

Bauserman’s Brain (BB): Oh, man.  I wish I was still the starting quarterback.  Only reason Braxton has it is because he can run faster, throw better and doesn’t need a motorized wheelchair to get around campus.  I could do what he does if I were 56 years younger.  Oh, well.  At least this let’s me make the trip to Nebraska a great memory…I’m getting high on corn-based mushrooms…or Crooms as they call them.  I don’t remember a thing coach said at halftime.  I was too busy trying to keep my fingers from turning into Civil War generals.  I didn’t want a war to happen to my hands!

Coach Fickell: Joe!  Braxton hurt his foot!  You’re in!

BB: What did that cactus say to me?  I’m in the game!  Uh-oh…don’t worry, Joe…we’ll be fine.  You’ve played this position before.  Just do what you’ve always…AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SPACE INVADERS!!!  I have to stop them!  Take that!

(Throws ball into stands)

BB: Haha!  You can’t steal Earth!  I’m too aweso…AAAAAAAHHHHHHH TALKING SHAKE WEIGHTS!!!  I’ll stop them!

(Throws another ball into stands…process continues until the end of the game)

Flash to Sunday morning reading the paper sober

BB: Wait, what?  1-10 passing?  It says I only completed one pass and I couldn’t hit the broadside of the barn.  Whatever.  I don’t remember any of this so it never happened.  What’s this story?  Man high an PCP thought he was stopping the Space Invaders by throwing footballs at people?  What an idiot!

• Legitimate “serving” on dancefloors >3 minutes.   “Dance-off!”  Everyone loves to hear that phrase, run to the dancefloor and watch people who have practiced dancing for years and years do crazy moves that out-of-shape white guys like myself could never dream of doing…but longer than a song and it gets boring.  That’s great, guys.  You can break dance for 20+ minutes.  Congratulations!  Now can you please stop so everyone else can do their token left-right dance moves and actually have some fun?  Sorry you couldn’t get in a J-Lo video.  I’m sure there’s a Step Up 35: Hollywood Has No Original Ideas Left for you to tryout for.
• Fraker Dancing.  Not so much me as it is the genetic code for a Fraker.  It’s always good for a laugh, but if we get too into a song and try dancing for real…it just gets sad.

And on that family diss let’s get to my newest S*** List member.  This one is personal: Park Street dress code on gameday Saturdays.  Really?  I’m not allowed to wear gym shorts while watching a football game?  Really?  I can wear a jersey, backwards hat and have my OSU thong showing (maybe), but I can’t wear gym shorts.  I understand on a Friday night when no football is on, but for Saturday and Sunday clientele during football season you’re going to get people who all want to cheer their team, get drunk, pound fried food and give your place a ton of business that wouldn’t be there without football!  Hey Park Street?  How’s the weather up there on your high horse, assh***s!  I think next time I’m wearing shorts that are velcroed together on the butt and when you let me in I’ll rip open the back door, squat down and…give you a polite letter I wrote arguing why you should let gym shorts in during football games then head to a seat at the bar. 

Ha!  Bet you didn’t see that coming.  Get your heads out of the gutter.  Now if you excuse me I have to figure out how to smear dog poo on a letter razor thin so you can’t see it.

Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.  Just beat Michigan.

That’s all I got after this weekend.  I haven’t seen Ohio State look this lost since they they had to travel across vast lands with Littlefoot and Duckie to meet back up with their parents…wait…that was Land Before Time…well that was sad for awhile, too!  Just need the happy ending of: Just Beat Michigan.

Winners

• Mark Dantonio.  Have to give props to the Michigan State head coach for his first win against Ohio State.  I can’t hate the defensive coordinator for the 2002 National Champion Buckeyes.  He was an integral part of a special football year and at least we lost to a former Buckeye.  That being said I hope Mark enjoys it because…IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!!!!  IT WON’T!!!!!!!!!!!  I’M SLIGHTLY ON EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!  I HAVEN’T BEEN WITH A WOMAN SINCE THE REAGAN ADMINISTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…um…uh…what?
• Evan Spencer.  The freshman OSU receiver has two career catches so far with one being the lone touchdown Ohio State made.  He caught a nicely thrown ball from Joe “I Shook James Polk’s Hand Once” Bauserman.  Too bad no one will remember this game for his first touchdown as much as they’ll remember this game as the game where Ohio State pulled down their collective pants, took a dump on the field and sculpted a football gameplan out of the excrement.
• Three Olives.   Since there aren’t anymore football winners for the game I have to give credit where credit is due to Three Olives Vodka.  I went up to Bowling Green last weekend to celebrate my younger sister’s 21st birthday and as a gift I bought her a bottle of Three Olives Cake.  Now when they say it’s cake…it’s f*&%ing cake!  You take a shot and it tastes just like mom used to make…only if mom put it in a blender with a handle of booze (ahhh…what a magical 7th birthday that was).  This stuff is amazing.  The bottle was done in 20 minutes, sobriety was done in 30 minutes, basic motor functions were done in an hour, the English language was done in two hours, bowels were done in three hours and friends/family associating with me were done in three hours and .0000001 seconds….ok maybe it didn’t go like that, but the point’s the same…THREE OLIVES CAKE IS AWESOME!!!!!!!  IT TAKES OFF THE EDGE!!!!!!  I LOVE YOU LITTLEFOOT!!!!!!!!  WILL YOU BE MY BOYFRIEND?!?!?!?!…um…uh…yeah…
• Flip Cup.  Piggybacking off the 21st birthday celebration; is there any better drinking game than flip cup?  It can be played with anyone from just yourself (if you have no friends and enjoy beer at 9 am on a Tuesday) or the whole party.  You get two teams, X amount of cups, a gulp of beer (or more if you want your teammates to despise you) in a Solo cup and the simple (in theory) act of flipping your empty cup from the edge of the table onto its top.  It’s an easy game that gets everyone involved and excited about playing, encourages people interaction with intelligent conversations like “You’re goin’ down!”, “Suck this fat one!” or “GIURDHGWSOIJIJAIOF…BEER!!!”  Greatest…drinking game…ever.

Losers

• OSU Coaches.  Yes Luke Fickell is still having troubles with being head coach (the quarterback shuffle, misusing timeouts, talking to the media, etc.), but it’s not all his fault.  He’s doing the best with what he was given…a top three head coaching job in June without any of last year’s stars to start the year.  The same can’t be said for the assistant coaches/coordinators running their respective positions.  Ohio State had 9 penalties…at home!  The offensive line gave up nine sacks and helped average .9 yards/carry (yes, sacks are included in this stat in college, but they didn’t help prevent the sacks.)  The secondary kept getting shredded for passing plays outside the hash marks and along the sideline (it’s never good to have a cornerback lead the team in tackles…that means they’re completing passes and moving the ball).  This was a total coaching meltdown.  I’m sure some coaches are only working to improve their resume for the next job they have, but you still need a strong previous job to get a great next job.  Coaching has to get better.  I know there are 15 freshmen and ten or so sophomores in the two-deep of the depth chart, but you still have to get them as prepared as possible for every game.  The team has talent (Tressel was routinely top 10 in recruiting)…let’s get it out of them.
• Dan Herron and Devier Posey.  How the hell can you get another NCAA violation?  You have to be some sort of stupid/ignorant/naive/apathetic person to not think you would get caught/hurt Ohio State more.  You both were part of the reason why the beloved sweater vest is no longer here.  The program is under maximum scrutiny.  You think being paid for work you didn’t do wouldn’t be found out?  There’s a paper trail!  You should have been on your best behavior until you’re out of school!  Then go smoke crack with a $5 whore in the alley behind O Patio…you won’t hurt the university.  These two should be kicked off the team immediately.  Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice I’ll kick you square in the balls…I think that’s how it goes.  Just go away!  Are we giving them a chance for strike three when they’ll be arrested for pushing over a five year-old on Halloween and stealing the kid’s candy because they were high on PCP they got from a booster named DJ Deez Nuts?
• Braxton’s Psyche.   What I was afraid of when Braxton Miller was named the starting quarterback happened to a T Saturday.  He’s still nervous while passing, only looks for the first read and if that’s not open he’s reverting to high school form when he could just tuck the ball and outrun everyone.  That’s not gonna happen in college.  He’s a deer in the headlights out there and it’s hurting his psyche.  Pulling him in the fourth quarter isn’t helping causes, either.  You’re openly admitting to Miller that he isn’t getting the job done and you think someone else can do better.  Now you want him to start again in Nebraska at Cornhusker Stadium at night and after Nebraska got slaughtered in their Big Ten opener at Wisconsin?  That will go great!  An 18 year-old dealing with 80,000+ shouting Nebraskans with him being afraid of being pulled if he does something bad.  Make a decision!  Either stick with Miller 100% of the time unless he’s hurt or let Bauserman start and use Miller in special packages while he masters a small part of the playbook (10 plays max) and gets confident in executing those 10 plays.  The latter is what I want, but Miller is starting this weekend and I’m truly worried his confidence will be so shot he’ll be damaged goods for next year when he’ll be the starter.
• Gene Smith’s stomach.  Seriously this past year had to have riddled his stomach with ulcers.  I bet if we take an X-Ray of it it’ll look like Swiss cheese.  He has to chug a bottle of Pepto before he eats anything.  There are three jobs that age whoever is in them at least 20 years than their age: President of the United States, cigarette tester for Marlboro and Ohio State athletic director for the past year.

Now to put the finishing touches on this post with the newest addition to my S*** List.  This honor goes to OSU Coaching Rumors.  “I heard they already got Urban Meyer to say yes!”, “Somebody told me Mark Dantonio really wants the job!”, “Rumor has it they’re waiting until after Halloween to fire Fickell because they want Zombie Woody Hayes to coach the team!”  STOP WITH THE COACHING RUMORS!!!  The season isn’t done yet!  If you haven’t noticed Ohio State is 3-2 under Fickell.  Yes the two losses looked worse than you walking in on your parents doing the nasty in your own bed while a nice guy they called Chico watched, but who’s to say the ship can’t be righted?  Maybe Fickell wins out and goes 11-2 on the season with a bowl win.  Maybe he crushes Michigan, gives a General Patton-esque speech to rally the troops and everyone wants him back to lead the pack.  Maybe he loses the rest of the games, goes crazy and streaks the Michigan game during the fourth quarter: “Hey everybody I’m Coach Fickell…look at my Dickell!”  We don’t know what will happen.  Wait until after the season for this coaching talk.  Until then, shut up.  We are all Buckeyes.  Let’s cheer our fellow Buckeyes on.

Now…does anyone have Land Before Time?  I just need to see Littlefoot make it home!  He’s so precious!!!

Ladies and Gentlemen…the Braxton Miller era has officially started!

You heard it here first, people.  I was always in Braxton’s camp and I thought he should have started every game this year…as long as you don’t look at my previous posts.  Don’t do it.  Please?  Can’t you trust me?  Look at this face:

Nevermind.  Let’s just move on to this week’s Winners & Losers

Winners

• Braxton’s legs.  Miller showed why everyone drooled over his balls ability and wanted him to start: being dual-threat.  Rushing 17 times for 83 yards definitely gave everyone a glimpse to how dangerous this freshman can be down the road.  Granted he showed that he is only 18 years old (see: Losers), but even though the game is moving too fast for him to fully grasp the passing game, his feet are moving too fast for the defense.  He does look better than Joe “Where’s my dentures?” Bauserman.  Not to say Bauserman was that bad, but that TD he scored against Akron off a botched play…he looked like a cartoon character who’s holding a bomb, frantically looking for a place to put it and having it blow up in his face.  Bauserman’s old enough I’m sure he voiced one of the characters during WWII.
• Devin Smith’s TD catches.  Both catches were off beautiful throws by Miller.  The first one was a great play action play with Smith running over the middle and Miller put it right on his hands in stride in the endzone for a 32 yard score.  The second TD pass showed off the touch Braxton can show down the road.  Coming out of the Shotgun Braxton took the snap, looked right and lobbed a perfect ball for the receiver and all Smith had to do was out-jump the Colorado corner (who could have doubled as Gary Coleman’s stuntman).  Smith went up for the ball at its highest point and tapped one toe to secure the score.  These two passes were things of beauty.  As for the other attempts…um…
• Backfield play.  I am in love with the dynamic that has happened in the backfield.  Jordan Hall and Carlos Hyde are looking like other great duos in history: Lewis and Clark, Ben and Jerry, Scarlett Johansson’s breasts; they are magic.  Hall ran 18 times for 84 yards while showing his elusiveness and Hyde ran 6 times for 40 yards while showing his north-south ability to get through a hole (hehe…hole).  It’s looking harder and harder for Dan “NCAA Lowered the BOOM on me” Herron to crack the starting line-up with how well everyone is playing in his absence.  Dynamic duos are amazing, but you can’t have a set of three get along well.  The odds of Herron getting some playing time are the same odds it is that Scarlett Johansson would still look hot with three boobs…not likely…(Wait a minute…Google images…photoshop extra boob in…center…enhance…and here we aseliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…wh, what?…what happened?  I lost all the blood to my head when I saw the picture on my computer screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…AH!…ok…I’m better.)  On second thought…I think three can work
• Student section.  This was the first game I’ve been to where I wasn’t standing in a student section and I have to say…kudos.  The noise generated from only two sections of endzone during big plays…fantastic.  Putting in South Stands was a brilliant idea.  Not only did it provide more seating for fans, but since students sit (actually stand) there and get loud, the sound bounces off the Horseshoe itself onto the field causing every team we play to have a weird hue of yellow and brown on their pants.
• Big Bar Patio.  I went with a buddy and some of his friends to the game and halfway through the 3rd quarter when the game was out of hand (and my BAC was dipping below .2) and we walked to a campus bar called Big Bar.  It’s on High St. near 12th.  It’s a nice bar (even nicer when there are ex-Lodge Bar employees working there to talk to…damn you Major Woody’s….DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!…oh, wait…you’re already there you bastard…say F*** YOU! to Bin Laden for me and give him the finger, but put it through the hole in his head…sorry…GO AMERICA!!!)…anyway it looked nice on the inside, but they had a poster up that caught my eye.  I squinted my eyes and focused really hard on the middle one and it was a series of pictures depicting what their patio will look like if they get permits.  It looks sweet.  The only problem is the fact it would overlook High St. and there’s danger having drunk college kids with projectiles on top of a three story building while people and cars walk by.  My solution: 30 foot net up and if someone throws a bottle over it…sodomize them with a cattle prod.  It’s only fair.
• A Referee’s Arm.  I don’t know if it could be seen on TV, but whenever this referee (back judge I think) threw a penalty flag, he chucked it at least 25 yards downfield and with a beautiful arc to it.  It was like he kept trying to outdo himself with every throw.  He looked like Bauserman throwing it away into the stands  a young Y.A. Tittle…and for those of you who don’t know who Y.A. is…he’s an old QB who was really good, but had the looks of an inbred gargoyle.  Here take a look…just don’t look in his eyes…he’ll steal your soul.

Losers

• My QB prediction.  Hmmm…let’s just move on before I stare at 3-Boobed Scarlett to make me feel betteraeiwjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj…better.
• Braxton’s Arm.  His first quarter passing performance of 0 yards would make Eddie Cochems roll over in his grave (first coach to use the forward pass legally…in 1906…yeah I’m that smart…trust me…just look at the above picture again………………………ok I Wikipedia’d it but still…I are smart).  Braxton went 5/13 for 83 yards…far from stellar.  Those attempts don’t even include the times where he ran during a scheduled pass play (the first 22 minutes of the game).  Braxton’s doing what you’d expect from a true freshman quarterback: he doesn’t know how to read progressions in a college offense.  He’s looking at his first read then tucking the ball no matter what the pressure looks like.  That will only come with time and is why I wanted Bauserman to keep the starting job, but then Braxton threw those two beauties to Devin Smith…and I was wrong.
• Halftime Show.  Every halftime show is going to look shoddy to me because of the beauty The Best Damn Band In The Land did during the #1 vs. #2 I’mstupidandmakeoutwithmyfamilymembers University/THE Ohio State University game from 2006.  They did a movie theme and did Titanic.  They brought out smokestacks and had everyone gather in the shape of a boat.  It was cute, but then…the ship started sinking.  THE SHIP STARTED SINKING!!!  Everyone went nuts.  Then it CRACKED IN THE EXACT PLACE THE REAL SHIP DID!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If I never discovered alcohol or had sex with politely kissed women in college this would have been the greatest moment of my college career.  Anyway this halftime show featured musicals.  Right down my alley.  I know as many musicals as I do ways to get a girlfriend…two ways: 1. Give them lots of stuff or 2. Photoshop yourself into pictures of some girl on the Internet from Wyoming and pretend you’re dating her (“Here’s my new girlfriend, Denise.  Here’s us horseback riding.  Here’s us on the Eiffel Tower.  And here’s us both kicking Dickface Brady in the nuts.  It was a great trip.”)
• Luke Fickell’s Aggression.   Up 17-7 with 15 seconds left Ohio State recovered a fumble on a Colorado punt return.  We got the ball on the Colorado 11.  Miller ran the ball for 10 yards to the 1 yard line with six seconds left.  Instead of trying one more play to score another TD and take a 24-7 lead at half (three scores…they’re done.)  Instead Fickell kicks an 18-yard field goal to take a 20-7 lead.  I wish Fickell would have gone for the touchdown because as we saw from the Toledo game…any team can win on any given day.  Plus Colorado got the ball to start the second half.  They could have scored, stopped us, scored again to take the lead and forced Braxton to lead a comeback in his first career start.  That’s about as fun as not being able to stare at Scarsaddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd…
• Steps to C-Deck.  Going up two flights of stairs gets me a little winded.  Four flights and I have to sit down.  Six flights I need an oxygen mask.  Eight flights I need 15 hours of sleep.  I don’t know how many flights I walked up to get to my seat for the game, but it was high and long enough for me to make base camp three times before I reached the summit.  Luckily I carry a tent, lighter and fishing pole wherever I go so I had shelter, fire and food for the times I stopped for the night.  Ok maybe it wasn’t that bad, but when I finally reached my seat I needed mouth-to-mouth.  A 73 year old woman offered to help, then I passed out and when I came to I didn’t remember 30 seconds earlier, but I did have a faint taste of Polident in my mouth and a Werther’s Original in my front pocket…

And now for my newest induction to my S*** List.  This week the poopy winner is: Conference Realignment Talk.  I’m pretty sure after all was said and done Texas and Oklahoma were going to the Pac 12 to make it Pac 16, Missouri’s going to the SEC, the ACC would get Big East powers, West Virginia is too dumb to go anywhere, the state of Florida would be detached from America and sewn onto Maine, everything west of Las Vegas would be set on fire and Jesus would give us 2nd Easter.  And what happened?  Syracuse and Pitt are going to the ACC, Texas A&M is going to the SEC and…that’s it.  That’s not to say there won’t be more moves later on, but chill out people!  Hearing all the talking heads talk about realignment was a lot like listening to political people blabber about the presidential election: a whole lot of bluster without a lot of…custard?  Meh…that’ll do.  Anyway let’s just wait for everything to happen, ok.  Don’t sully this season with talk of next year.  Live in the now.  You may miss something.

Now if you excuse me I have to hit save as on my computer before I delete 3 Boobalsigddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd…wha…NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s nothing to say.  It’s taken me three days of staring at my computer to finally write this post.

The Miami game was an absolute debacle.  I spent all three hours of the game with my mouth wide open doing one of three things:

1. Yelling at the TV about how woeful Ohio State looked
2. Silently sitting there while I digest what all took place
3. Pouring “self-medication” down my throat at such an alarming pace by halftime I had downed more beer than Ohio State passing yards.

With how bad it truly was in Miami there were some winners to be seen:

Winners

• Jordan Hall.  The junior from Jeanette, PA (new town law: Mention Terrelle Pryor=public horse whipping) had a big game in the first half of his first game.  He finished with 14 rushes for 87 yards, but he showed glimpses of big play potential that is rare for this Buckeye offense.  I know he suffered from cramps during most of the game, but even if he were to have played the whole game it wouldn’t have mattered.  However, it’s good to see there’s a glimpse of hope for a dynamic offensive threat.
• Drew Basil.  Drew: Hey, guys!  Did you see me make my two fields goals I tried? I know they weren’t longer than an extra point, but since we didn’t score any touchdowns I did the best I could.  I told you I could do it!  Guys…guys???  (Dead silence.)  Drew: Well, I had a great game.  Whole bus: SHUT UP!!!  Drew: (pisses pants).
• Miami program.  Even Jacory “Interception” Harris did an ok job.  It was an all around butt-whooping.  Al Golden gets a big win under his belt at home and the media can, at least for a little bit, talk about their win and not the piles of money, hookers and abortions that are plaguing the program for now and the foreseeable future.
• Ben Buchanan.  PRIDE OF WESTERVILLE!!!  HE CAN PUNT THE BALL!!!  YEAY!!!!

And now the longer list:

Losers

• Luke Fickell.  I’m not saying that Fickell is going to be a bad coach in the future.  It’s just that he’s been thrust into a difficult situation.  As I’ve mentioned before the problem here is getting the Ohio State coaching job at such a young age with no experience is just like a 16 year old getting keys to a Lamborghini: there’s a chance he can drive it without crashing, but you’re holding your breath and praying because odds are it’s not coming back in one piece.  There’s a reason why coaches have to prove themselves before they’re given marquee jobs after succeeding at previous locations.  Fickell has stuff to learn.  Examples: timeouts (you never finish a game with no timeouts and you lose…you can’t save them for next game), in game adjustments (playing the QB situation like hot potato?  Not great for psyches) and handling media (please, please, PLEASE don’t openly admit you don’t have a plan for the QB situation…us fans are ignorant to your gameplans…IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!!).  Fickell could still become a great coach, but there’s a reason why most of us don’t marry our first love, practice driving the family car in a church parking lot and don’t use the same moves from losing our virginity ten years after…practice makes perfect.
• QB Situation.  Face it…both looked awful.  However, not since the advent of the forward pass, we can’t just snap the ball to our stable of running backs.  Somebody has to take the ball from center.  Personally I want Bauserman to be the quarterback and here’s why: we’re a running team.  Go back to Woody Hayes three yards and a cloud of dust football, pound the rock 50 times a game and win ugly.  Bauserman has more time in a college system and with the way he has connected with Jake Stoneburner this season he can run the ten play action plays needed to keep defenses honest and hopefully allow the running game to flourish.  Braxton Miller is the future…but the future will wait…until Nebraska when Joe sucks more…and my plan sucks…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Wide Receivers.  ZERO CATCHES BY A WIDE RECEIVER!!!  MILLIONS UPON MILLION OF DROPS!!!  NO SEPARATION FROM CORNERBACKS AGAINST MIAMI!!!  The quarterback will always get too much credit/too much blame.  How the hell can there be a 60 minute game with NO CATCHES BY RECEIVERS!!!  And it doesn’t matter if Bauserman, Miller or Brett Favre’s penis throwing to people…if their hands are made of stone it doesn’t matter.  Nothing will make a QB think twice about throwing the ball like lots of drops early in the game.  Maybe if Javier Posey wasn’t suspended and Cris Carter’s son went to A COUPLE classes it would be a different story, but you know the saying: no use crying over premature spillage…wait, what?
• Defense.  Zero sacks.  Allowed touchdowns on first two possessions.  Gave up 240 yards rushing.  Miami went 8-15 on third down and had scoring drives of 10, 11 and 14 plays.  These are the Silver Bullets, but this defense is far off right now.  Team speed is still an issue.  Granted Nate Williams is banged up, but no one else is stepping up on the pass rush.  At least Andrew Sweat, Etienne Sabino and Dominic Clarke are playing well…but those are 3/11 starters.  This week’s game against Colorado is the last real tune-up before the Big Ten season.  Here’s when people have to step up.

The new gameplan: Woody/Tressel Ball!  Granted that’s not new for the past ten years, but this is what needs to be done.  Run, special teams, defense.  That’s it.  I’m gonna buy Fickell some Woody glasses and a black Block 0 hat for him to really embrace the old school way of doing things.

Now for this week’s winner of being on my S*** List.  This week it’s “The World’s Ending!” Fan.  So we got blown out at Miami on national TV really bad?  Naturally TWEF has the best answer in the world: “Fire everyone!  Fickell sucks!  Hire Bob Stoops!  Bauserman sucks!  Start Miller and have him run the ball every time!  Basil sucks!  Get Mike Nugent back!  Doesn’t Hopalong Cassady have some eligibility left?!?  How come we aren’t scoring over 300 points yet?!?!?  This is Ohio State!  We should never lose a game!  BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!”  I hate you people, we weren’t going undefeated, have some realistic expectations, stop banging your cousins and please, please, PLEASE never call a sports talk show again.  I’m sure there are some aliens/yetis/Bigfoots/morticians/rabid dogs/mental patients/Mark Mays you can talk to about your stupid crap and it make sense, but if you’re around us sane fans: SHUT UP!!!

Now if you excuse me I have to go find Luke Fickell and give him a nice touch of the balls pat on the back to get him ready for Colorado.

F**KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK that was close.

Ok since that’s off my chest I can write the second week review of The Ohio State University’s football season.  I actually got to go to this game for free.  Got surprised with tickets on Friday night and after 90 minutes for my scarlet and gray boner to subside I emerged from the ladies room ready for the game tomorrow and more importantly…tailgating!

Since I got to re-experience my college days in the South Stands of The Horseshoe this edition of Winners & Losers will focus more on the gameday atmosphere on campus and less on the players.  There will still be some awards about the game, but it’s a bit of a deviation to the original formula.  It will be like when a girlfriend takes you shopping for swimsuits and only tries on lingerie: it’s different, but still awesome (I hope.)

Anywho, here we go (here’s a hint…not a lot of Ohio State winners):

Winners

• Non-OSU football.  After being in the Losers last week Toledo has single-handedly brought a positive light on the state of Ohio college football.  They went toe-to-toe with Ohio State for 59+ minutes.  Although I still can’t point them out on an Ohio map (it’s up north touching Canada, right?) they sure are on the national football map.  Piggy backing on this game Toledo gets some home cooking on Friday against Boise State, which national pundits have said is the last true test for Boise State on their way to being in the BCS Championship game.  I’m sure I speak for everyone in the Buckeye State when I say “CASTRATE THE BRONCOS AND THROW THEIR GENITALS IN A VAT OF ACID THEN FEED IT TO COWS WHO WILL POOP IT OUT INTO A C4 FILLED CARDBOARD BOX THAT WE’LL SEND TO BOISE AND WHEN SOMEONE OPENS IT THE TESTES-FECES WILL EXPLODE ALL OVER THE STATE OF IDAHO THAT ISN’T A POTATO FARM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”…or is that just me?
• Carlos Hyde.  The true freshman still puts up the stats.  20 carries for 76 yards and two touchdowns will make it even harder on head coach Luke Fickell to choose a starter for this week’s game at Miami.  Berry is healthy again, but it will be hard to unseat someone carrying the rock as well as Hyde.  I for one would like to have his babies…but then I realize I’m a 24 year-old male and that as much as I wish it was a documentary the movie Junior was fiction.  Damnit!
• Red Solo Cups.  Greatest.  Tailgate invention.  Ever!  It’s a Mexican stand-off with police officers everywhere on campus tailgates.  They know it’s alcohol and you can’t have it, but they can’t prove it and don’t feel like walking the 50 feet to argue in vain with you.  You know they know it’s alcohol, but that as long as you aren’t peeing in bushes, falling down headfirst on sidewalks or whipping it out to every woman who walks by and yelling “Who wants to see the smallest Wonder of the World!?!?”…all is kosher.  You know what goes best in those cups?:
• Sailor Jerry’s.  A 92 proof rum that has some cherry taste to it and was created by a former Navy officer in World War II who also did tattoos?  Sign me up!  You should, too.  I support this rum as the greatest rum in the world!   (You hear that Sailor Jerry’s?  I’m giving you a glowing review and advertisement.  So, you know, if you want to hook a devoted drinker with a bottle or 17…let me know.  I will hock your product in every segment I ever do.  Please???)
• Ohio State punt return team.  Yes, Chris Fields scored on the 69-yard return, but it was all set up by the blocking.  Fields caught the ball, started upfield down the left sideline, made one arm tackle miss and then followed the seam created by his blockers.  It was a narrow seam, but everyone was in the correct spot and did their part.  The way Fields wiggled through the seam reminded me of the animated educational video we had to watch demonstrating what a sperm has to do to reach the egg and make a baby…or maybe that was just me…wow, I’m extra weird today.
• Terrance Owens.  The southpaw quarterback for Toledo looked really good when he was in, especially their final drive.  I believe in this guy.  You should to….that’s all I got.
• North Stands scoreboard.  I don’t know when they did it, but it needed to be done.  The majority of students who buy tickets sit in the South Stands.  It was a great place to watch the game.  You’re high up so you can see the whole field, everyone stands so you’re not blocking anyone, cursing is encouraged, booze can be smuggled in through various avenues like bras, wooden legs or livers, but there was only one issue with it…you couldn’t see the scoreboard because it was behind you; so for any replay you had to turn all the way around and strain your neck to find out if it was a fumble or not.  Not anymore!  The other end of the stadium got a scoreboard of its own.  Granted it’s 1/10 the size, but it’s big enough you can make out who’s doing what on the field and that makes a huge difference.  Hats off to you, Ohio State…but don’t get too bigheaded.  I’m not done mentioning you yet.

Losers

• Defensive adjustments.  I swear it feels like defensive coordinator Jim Heacock makes a gameplan before the game and sticks to it no matter what happens on the field.  He never adjusts!  Prime examples include the 2007 BCS Championship against Florida (constantly dropped coverages deep to not get burned by the SEC speed, but that just meant they could catch a short pass and outrun everyone), the 2007 loss to Illinois at home as the #1 ranked team (they only ran three plays in the fourth quarter from the Shotgun formation: hand-off up the middle, QB keeper off tackle or play action pass over the middle…they never changed!) and against Toledo where they constantly burned us by the screen.  It apparently didn’t matter that Toledo’s first quarterback couldn’t throw the ball farther than five yards without any accuracy or without sh*tting himself.  They’d do wide receiver screens, running back screens and swing passes all day…and succeeding!  When do you bring eight in the box and force them to throw deep?  Apparently never!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m on edge.  I do have something that will calm me down, though…Sailor Jerry’s (see that, Sailor?  Call me…not any sailor, just Sailor Jerry’s…I don’t like semen…I mean seamen…uh-oh)
• Premature boo birds.  I understand Joe “Where’s my false teeth?” Bauserman had a rough game…but booing at the beginning of the second quarter?  What’s wrong with you?  We were only down 15-7!  At home!  Do you not think the offense will get it going and is just slow starting?  So sorry we didn’t score on every possession and go up 142-15 at halftime!  You’re the kind of people that berate the pizza delivery guy for showing up 31 minutes after your order and it’s supposed to be 30 minutes.  Have some patience!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sailor’s…now!!!!!
• Rod Smith.  For as good as Carlos Hyde has looked Rod Smith has looked that bad.  You fumble once against Akron when we’re up 21-0…ok.  That’s fine.  It was your first game.  I can see the jitters being there.  But fumbling again in the fourth quarter of a tight game on their side of the field?  That’s a problem.  My money is that you won’t be seeing much action this season when Berry and Dan Herron come back.  I also advise to get non-buttered popcorn for a pregame meal…more grippage, less slippage (ha!  I bet you people thought I would make a masturbation joke and suggest a lotion that dries easier!  But I didn’t!  I didn’t mention that Dial For Men lotion dries fast and has less clean up than others…uh-oh……………………………………….. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  SAILOR’S!!!!!!!!!!!
• Team speed.  I’m sure Eric Page is fast for the MAC…but we’re The Ohio State University!  We’re the class of the Big Twelve Ten.  When you’re the class of a BCS conference like the Big Twelve Ten you should have speed in the secondary.  When Page scored on the 66-yard screen pass by outrunning everyone it sent up red flags.  Speed is what keeps burning us in bowl games.  I’m afraid that problem is still going to haunt me…I mean us…Ohio State football…not Bryan Fraker…I’m not fast…I mean…I…I get excited sometimes and…there’s a naked…girl…I…uh…um…uh….AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
• South stands pre-classes.  I loved being in my old seats from college, but not when you’re surrounded by non-students.  There were families and children all over the place.  We couldn’t stand up because there was a family and a little kid sitting behind us.  I mean it’s cute to bring your family to the game and I support encouraging all little kids to be Ohio State fans as much as you can, but it just wasn’t the same feeling I had with other students.  I was polite and didn’t curse or stand because I don’t want to scare the kids.  I just wished these families would be in the upper deck of The Horseshoe and not in student sections so I could be a student: drunk, loud and overly enthusiastic.  Here, here!

Now I know I could keep going, but now is the best time to bring out my newest member to my S*** List.  This week the award goes to the OSU Promotions and Seating Teams.  I don’t know what to call you collectively.  All I know is that you suck right now.  I’mstupidandmakeoutwithmyfamilymembers University had their whole stadium using yellow pom-poms in unison, Wisconsin at Camp Randall has their beginning of 4th quarter tradition of “Jump Around”, Penn State has their whiteouts during big games; Ohio State has…little white towels that don’t do anything unless you flail them around over your head and when you do that you dust white towel specks in the air blinding people downwind of you while whacking everyone within a five foot radius of your power towel lasso. 

We’re the largest university in the nation.  I understand boosters get the good seats and all, but come up with something cool!  The only traditions we have right now are cheering “O-H-I-O” and singing Carmen Ohio after the game.  I love these traditions…but it’s only for us!  No one nationally gets to take in either thing.  Let’s get something cool during the game to make people say “Wow…Ohio State’s awesome!”  Have everyone do The Macarena before the second half kickoff.  Give everyone a small buckeye nut to throw in the air on the opening kickoff.  Pass out 100,000 masks of the most embarrassing picture of the other team we can find.  Have strippers be the chain gang…I don’t know what, but something!  You’re the ones getting paid for it!  Maybe give me a job then we can talk more…wink, wink.  (I like that idea).

So there you have it, folks.  Week 2’s Winners & Losers.  Now if you excuse me I have to wait for my phone call from the Sailor Jerry’s people about their free liquor.  WOO HOO!!!!!

I was really hoping to write this post with jubilation on the heels of the Fudge Packers being 0-1…but then the game was played and Sean Payton decided to run a rookie into a defensive line that was dominating the A-gaps all game…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH…but I degress.

This post is about my beloved Chicago Bears and my (feeble) attempt at an impartial look at their season and how we they will fare this season.  So it’s not impartial, but I tried to go for realistic optimism (as opposed to the normal dejected pessimism…that’s reserved for hitting on women.)

Let’s start with the biggest target on the team.  Roy Williams and his hands of granite?  No: Jay Cutler.  When he was last on a football field in a meaningful game he was bundled up in a giant football jacket and sitting on the bench with an MCL sprain getting torn to pieces on Twitter so badly you would have thought Sigma Team Six found Bin Laden in his basement.

Listen, people.  The man is tough.  He took 52 sacks all year long behind a line that doubled as a pasta strainer on weekdays.  He never complained once.  He never begged offensive coordinator Mike “Dr. Kevorkian for QB’s” Martz to keep more men in to block.  Cutler just took it like a man and kept trying to win the game for his team.  He realized he couldn’t plant and release a consistent ball in the NFC Championship game and that it would be detrimental to the team if he were to stay in there.

Cutler cut his picks down to 16 last year to go along with his 23 touchdowns.  The constant knock on him is the red zone picks and staying in a system for a second year will help him figure out where his secondary receivers will be in red zone plays so he won’t focus on one person and throw it there regardless of the coverage.

Cutler throws the prettiest three step drop 40 yard streak pattern in the NFL.  He floats it right into the receiver’s hands every time.  Having Devin “I’m fast!” Hester and Johnny “Me too!” Knox running past everyone always helps.  Although I’m not a fan of trading Greg “I didn’t get any hookers at Miami!” Olsen for a third round pick, but he never really fit into Martz’s offense so…I guess I’m ok with it? 

In free agency we brought in the aforementioned Williams from Dallas.  He sucked there, but he thrived under Martz in Detroit.  If Williams decides to catch the ball WITH is hands instead of batting them down he could be a 70 reception red zone option.

(Here’s another thing for Cutler: he’s single now.  He dumped Kristin Cavallari after they got engaged.  No more nagging ball-and-chain!  That means more football and less flowers!  Granted I don’t know if he can get anyone this hot again…but at least he’s seen her naked!  Yeay Jay!  You know what?  You can do hotter!  And less drama!  WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…SLAP!!!!!!!!!!…thanks…I needed that…back to football)

As for the offensive line…uh-oh…BLAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!…Blah!…mmph…sorry everyone.  Every time I mention the Bears offensive line I smack myself in the forehead and vomit.  Anyway this year the off…that thing I mentioned…will hopefully be better.  They drafted Gabe Carimi from Wisconsin, a big ol’ boy who knows how to run block with his 6’7” 314 lb. body, but pass blocking is a bit of an issue.  However he looked good in the preseason in the pass game so I believe he can fill in at right tackle admirably.

The big issue on the line is the loss of (pouring out an Old Style) Olin Kreutz.  The 12 year vet spent all his time with the Bears.  He was the heart and soul of the offense, never hesitated to back his teammates and was a force at center.  He will be missed.  In his place we have our right guard Roberto Garza filling in.  If the transition isn’t smooth…it’s gonna be a long season with lots of peeling Cutler off the turf.  Offensive line coach Mike Tice is an expert at the position so it’s all in his incredibly tall and huge hands.

On to the defense.  The D-line is anchored by Julius “Tease me about my ears one more time I’m kicking your ass” Peppers.  He was the big free agent signing last year (6 years/$91 million) and it was scoffed at my the media for being too much for a 30 year-old lineman.  I loved it when it happened and when I heard he bought 25 bottles of $350 champagne for people at a bar…I fell in love.  He’s still a force to be reckon with and even though he only got 8.5 sacks last year…his presence was felt all over the field.

A huge issue last year was the defensive tackle position.  Not since Keith Traylor and Ted Washington’s 800 lb. Doughy Duo graced the middle had the Bears gotten consistent play.  Tommie Harris played too inconsistent and injured, Tank Johnson loved guns too much and anyone else they filled in never worked.  Enter Stephen Paea and Henry Melton. 

Paea was the second round pick out of Oregon State and at The Combine he set the all-time record for bench pressing 225 lb. with 49 reps.  49!  I’m 218 lbs. and can barely push myself out of bed once…let alone 49 times.  As for Melton he has been the talk of the preseason with his play.  With those two in the middle there’s hope that they can take up space and allow Brian “I LOVE YOU!!!” Urlacher to make plays.

Urlacher and Lance Briggs.  Still great.  Moving on.

The big addition on defense happened when they signed Brandon Meriweather from the New England Assh***s, I mean F***ers, I mean S**triots…there it is.  He is a two-time Pro Bowler who makes plays in the secondary.  He can guard against the deep ball, which is something other safeties haven’t figured out.  Meriweather will start soon and will make the impact the defensive backfield needs.

A huge negative that happened to the Bears was the new kickoff rule starting kickoffs at the 35-yard line instead of the 30.  This means more touchbacks, more starting at the 20-yard line and less electric returns for the 2nd best kickoff team in the NFL last year (31.5-yard line).  Roger “Awed hush in the crowd, please” Goodell needs to abandon this rule, now.  It cuts down on an amazing play for fans.  I know it was done for safety reasons…but come on!  Change it back!  I don’t like it!!!  WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Throwing my dirty diapers at Goodell while sucking my thumb.)

Looking at the schedule I see two guaranteed wins at home against Carolina in Week 4 and either Minnesota in Week 6 or Detroit in Week 10.  Here’s the big part of the schedule: Weeks 12-17.  Here are the games:

• Week 12: at Oakland
• Week 13: vs. Kansas City
• Week 14: at Denver
• Week 15: vs. Seattle
• Week 16: at Green Bay (they’ll have the division clinched by now and hopefully home field advantage meaning they’ll rest players)
• Week 17: at Minnesota (they’re out of the playoffs, McNabb and Peterson sit and they allow rookies to get some playing time before next year)

There’s a real chance to end the season at least 5-1.  Add in the two wins early in the year and Chicago just needs to win three of the other eight to make themselves 10-6 and almost assured a wild card spot.  Winnable games include vs. Atlanta (Week 1), at Detroit (Week 5) and at Tampa Bay (Week 7).  I know the media says Chicago got lucky with their 11-5 record last year, but there’s a chance magic repeats itself this year.

I can see the Bears going 11-5 or 5-11.  I can see Cutler throwing 30 TD’s/10 INT’s or 10 TD’s/30 INT’s.  I can see the defense being in the top five and dominant or in the bottom five and aging.  I can see Mike Martz working his offensive mojo beautifully or choking the wide receivers coach because the guy looked at Martz funny.  In other words…it’s tough to gauge this team.

Anyway, here’s to Da Bears!

Editor’s Note: This year during THE Ohio State University football season I will recap the game and give you my winners and losers of the game.  It will come out on Mondays during the year, but an epic Sunday Funday prevented me from being productive yesterday.  Some winners and losers are players, some are coaches, some are inanimate objects, but all had a role in the game.  I will also put someone on my S*** List for the year: someone who really is bugging me and is in my doghouse of feces for the remainder of the year.

So…first game of the year.  First game of the Luke Fickell era.  First game without The Sweater Vest in 10 years.  First game to get beyond Tattoogate and every other violation committed in the past year.  How did OSU look against the Akron “We’re Division 1?…really???” Zips: 42-0 sounds good. What wasn’t good?  My hangover that caused me to fall asleep at halftime.  I’m an idiot.

Now for the winners and losers.

Winners

• Luke Fickell.  Thelre’s nothing more you can ask for as a first year coach in his first game replacing a legend than getting a game at home against a 1-11 school the previous year.  Fickell getting the job from Jim Tressel is like a 16 year old getting the keys to his parent’s Lamborghini.  What did Fickell do with it?  He successfully backed it out of the driveway.  Beating a team I wouldn’t trust against the Little Giants isn’t a huge accomplishment, but the team looked great and ready to play the whole game.  Also considering he did it with multiple players suspended…Fickell did a great job.  Hopefully he doesn’t crash the car against Toledo.
• Joe Bauserman.  Old Man River looked really good in the game.  His throws were crisp, he showed poise in his first start since the Reagan administration and his prosthetic hip held up enough for him to catch the 4 pm dinner special at MCL Cafeteria.  Ok enough old jokes.  12-16 for 163 yards and 3 TDs to Jake Stoneburner was a great stat line, but the big play was his quick thinking on the broken play he ran in for a touchdown.  Granted his running style was as white as possible, he quickly realized it was a broken play, turned upfield and avoided defenders all the way to the end zone.  Braxton Miller played well after his abortion of a first series, but Bauserman played splendid and should still be getting the bulk of the playing time.
• Ohio State Fans. FOOOOOOOOOTTTTTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWW’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Andrew Sweat.  He was an absolute ball hawk Saturday.  Flying all over the field, banging everyone with a football and even showing the grace of a heterosexual Michael Flatley with his toe-tapping interception.  The lineage of OSU linebackers are sure to continue with Sweat this year.
• Suspended players replacements.  Freshman Carlos Wyde looked excellent running downhill with his 240 lb. frame.  I was pooping my pants imagining having to tackle him.  Junior Jordan Hall will get back the starting job (most likely) this week, but it’s good to know Wyde is there for future games if need be.  Sophomore Dominic Clarke was all over Akron receivers replacing junior Travis Howard.  It will be interesting to see if Howard gets the starting job back for how good Clarke played….oh and Terrelle Pryor is on the Raiders.  So he’s got that going for him.
• Bottled water sales.  95 degree temperature in the air, 120 degrees on the field, humidity not friendly…Aquafina must have been selling like hotcakes.  The bottled water guy had to have the easiest job in the place because two minutes after he loaded his tray he’s sold out.  This would have been one of those rare instances where it was almost too hot to drink beer…almost.  There’s water in beer, right?

Losers

• Non-Buckeye Ohio teams.  I know we want to give other Ohio schools the chance to play in front of 100,000+ people, give the $250,000 or so game checks to other Ohio colleges and get some easy wins under OSU’s belt, but…really?  Akron joins the ranks of Youngstown St., Miami (OH) and Walnut Springs Middle School for schools that were totally outclassed from the coin toss.  The constant stream of cupcakes has led to some irritation towards OSU by people (see S*** List).  Toledo, however, has scored over 30 points in eight straight games so there shouldn’t be backlash about playing them…in theory.  Step your game up Ohio!
• Referees.  Two referees went down in the game from the heat including the head referee, which led to everyone having to play charades to find out what’s going on with the replacement head ref who didn’t have a microphone.  The zebras were falling at a faster clip than in the Serengeti (get it?…zebras get eaten by lions?…referees are called zebras because of their stripes?…right?…right?  Shut up!)
• Drew Basil.  The junior who’s a new kicker missed his first career field goal of 45 yards, but got a reprieve when Akron jumped offsides.  Ok, cool.  We’ll forget that first one happened, this one is closer, all you gotta do is knock it through…but he missed that one, too!  I know it didn’t matter at all, but if you have trouble with two field goals at home against Akron in the second quarter, what makes you think I have confidence in you come mid-season when we’re down by two late in the fourth at Nebraska’s Memorial Stadium, you have 50,000+ Cornhusker fans screaming at you, millions of people watching at home and you have to hit this 47 yard game-winner?  Here’s to it just being opening game jitters.
• Elderly.  From everything I’ve learned in the 10+ years of watching The Weather Channel in the summer the elderly shouldn’t be out in boiling hot weather.  That’s why I was shocked Bauserman played.  I thought he would be in a canasta tournament or something.  Ok, ok.  NOW I’m done with Bauserman old jokes.
• Brutus’ Head.  I’m no doctor of foam head smells, but I’m betting that head smells something like if a skunk sprayed the inside of a construction site port potty that was then dipped in a vat of ball sweat from the Ohio State offensive line and left to ferment in a room of broccoli and B Dubs Spicy Garlic farts for five years.  I pity the person who has to come near that thing anytime soon.  They better be wearing a haz-mat suit.
• Hangovers.  THEY SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now we have the as-yet-unsponsored S*** List (I’m looking at you Depends).  This year’s first S***man is Mark May.  I understand why ESPN and the rest of the college world and media hates Ohio State.  We are cocky (THE Ohio State University, way-too-over-the-top fans, O-H!!!), we laid an egg in two straight BCS Championship games, we play in the Big Ten, we’re 0-9 in bowl games against the SEC (it’s not worth the hassle to claim last year’s Sugar Bowl…they’ll just yell at us more), etc.  I get it.  Personally I love all the hate because that just means jealousy.  The bigger you are the bigger the target.

But to be as appalled as May was that we were “only” up 21-0 at halftime of our first game of the season with a brand new offense, defense and head coach in the wake of our worst scandal in program history…that’s over the top.  21-0 in the first half?!?!?!  If you multiply that by two for a whole game…you get 42-0 (which we did!)  We beat the spread set by Vegas.  Their offense only had one meaningful drive against a prevent defense at the end of the first half for a missed field goal.  Our offense needed to get broken in and make sure everyone is on the same page and a well-oiled machine for future games.  We don’t stand to gain anything by putting up 90 points on Akron.  He wanted us to be up 35-0!  If that’s not anti-Ohio State bias I don’t know what is.  So for that ridiculous halftime tirade Mark May is on my S*** List, sponsored by (fill-in-the-blank…come on Charmin!  It’s worth it!)

So there you have it, folks.  The first OSU Winners & Losers post of the year.  I promise to do better the next time…and put a cap on 15 Bauserman age jokes per post.

It’s been three days since The Resignation…and I couldn’t put my feelings into words until now.  The days went like this:

Monday: Woke up hungover, saw a text from a friend stating “Tressel resigned”, I threw up in my mouth (mix of rum, coke and disappointment), slept more and finally got up only to find myself laying in my bed/couch all day staring blankly at the television or ceiling with no emotion.

Tuesday: Woke up, hated having to be up so early going to work, hated being at work, hated Tressel for lying to us and was glad he was gone, hated a guy at work for wearing a sweater vest and had his lunch farted on (rumor has it someone with an angry face and a work ID with the name “Bryan Fraker” on it performed the act…it’s all hearsay and conjecture) and I ended up going to bed so angry that today I pooped not just a diamond, but a diamond in the shape of a middle finger.

Wednesday: I ate so many burgers, chips and booze that I waddled around just like Fat Albert after a keg of beer and his 4th dinner buffet of the night.

Anyway as I woke up today I finally realized what I had with Tressel: it was a romantic relationship.  The events Tressel led us through as fans are exactly like moments in the life of a romance.  Allow me to take you through the 10 years of excitement in my Jim Tressel theory for sports:

This starts, just like everything else…in the beginning.  As with every relationship other than the first you have to get over your ex.  If it’s a tumultuous relationship with your ex then you look for something different in your new mate.  If she was crazy you want something sane.  If she was too much of a jealous type you’re looking for someone more laid back.  If she had a great rack you yearn for…another great rack (ok, bad example.)  Point is you want something new and fresh.

John Cooper was the head coach at Ohio State before Tressel.  Cooper was a level-headed guy and did a decent job coaching, but there were three flaws that led to his downfall:

1. He came from coaching at Arizona State and had no connections to Ohio whatsoever.
2. He was awful in bowl games (3-8).
3. He couldn’t beat I’msupidandmakeoutwithmyfamilymembers…oh, sorry.  I’m not president yet.  He couldn’t beat Michigan (2-10-1).

And who did Ohio State hire?  Jim Tressel.  He had the look of someone you respect (OSU was unraveling under Cooper), coached at an Ohio college in Youngstown St. and was used to winning the big games with four national titles at Youngstown St.  Perfect on paper, but just as romance you have to get to know someone before you’re boyfriend/girlfriend and all starts with the first date.

Tressel’s first season (before the Michigan game) in 2001 was exactly like a successful first date.  On a first date I like to look for great conversation (Tressel’s “310 in Ann Arbor” quote) and a nice, organic end of the night kiss to let me know there will be more stuff to come (6 wins and being bowl eligible).  The first date went great and eventually there’s a chance of the rarest form of emotion…love.

Everyone knows the moment they first fall in love with someone.  Whether it be staring deep in someone’s eyes and knowing it, your partner coming to your place to take care of you when you’re sick or she shows up naked with a pizza and a case of beer (YES!  YES!  YES!) everyone has a moment.  This moment of endearing love was upsetting Michigan in 2001.  As soon as that final gun sounded of the 26-20 win…I was in love with Tressel.  Now things are getting serious with me praying “PLEASE DON’T HURT ME, JIM!  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!”  And he didn’t disappoint

The journey from loving someone to getting married has to be a crazy road.  I don’t really know how that feels (the closest thing I’ve been to marriage is with my penis…and we can’t get married because same sex marriage doesn’t fly in Ohio), but I imagine it’s like a roller coaster going up the first hill: you keep getting closer and closer and it gets scarier and scarier until eventually you take the plunge.  The 2002 OSU football season was the ride to me being Ms. Bryan Tressel…um…

I pictured the whole thing of me and Jim during the regular season.  I saw us moving-in to an apartment together (win at Purdue…I needed a change of pants after the 4th-and-1 TD to Jenkins…messed both front AND back of the pants), getting a dog (double OT win at Illinois…I needed a change of my pants AND the person sitting next to me…it all came out) and getting engaged (14-9 victory over Michigan to send us to the BCS Championship…my family needed to change houses I was so happy).  After the engagement…marriage.

The 2003 BCS National Championship was exactly like marriage.  It was step by step.  Your friends and family are there to watch this big moment (pre-game); the organist starts playing music beginning the wedding (kick-off); everyone walks down the aisle and gets in position (first quarter);  the bride walks down the aisle and meets the groom as the minister starts his speech (second quarter); people zone out wondering how crazy the reception is going to get and people in the congregation scan the bridal party for people they want to “have sex with”…I mean…(halftime); the groom says his vows (third quarter); the bride says her vows (fourth quarter); the minister asks if anyone disapproves of the marriage (first overtime); “Allow me to introduce to everyone, for the first time ever…” (second overtime)…everyone’s on pins and needles and finally it’s said:

MR. AND MRS. JIM TRESSEL!!!  WE WON!!!  WE BEAT MIAMI!!!  AND JIM GAVE ME A GIANT CRYSTAL FOOTBALL TO FOREVER SHOW PEOPLE AS THE SYMBOL FOR WHY I LOVE THIS MAN!!!  I NEVER WANT HIM TO LEAVE!!!  AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now normally the honeymoon is fun, but this particular honeymoon was like getting an infection from the hot tub you and your wife, um “did it hardcore”…wow…anyway it was like that with Maurice Clarett.  The problem was all Clarett, neither of us wanted this stuff and eventually the situation worked itself out as he was suspended for the year, helped rob someone and then was arrested by police as he was driving near the house of a witness against him in that trial with Grey Goose and assault rifles…or how any normal honeymoon goes.  No fuss, no muss.  All is good now.

I’ve been told through romantic comedies and stand-up comedians that the first year of marriage is the best because of lots and lots of consummation of the marriage.  It’s not the greatest moment in the relationship as the marriage, but it’s still really awesome…just like the 2003 season.  P into V; P into M; T into V; but P no go in A (now that’s using the alphabet wisely!)  All those letters add up to get coitus and a 2003 Fiesta Bowl championship.

Have you ever heard of the sophomore slump?  It’s a thing in sports where a rookie has a great season, but in the sophomore year people figure out how to defend the rookie and he has a bad year.  It happens in marriage (rising costs of living, more fights than ever before, sex only once by accident) and in 2004 with Tressel (injuries, .500 in the Big Ten, sex only once by accident…oops…wrong analogy).  The slump culminated with Troy Smith accepting $500 from a booster.  Smith was swiftly banned from the bowl game and the first game of 2005.  The Smith Fiasco would be like if your wife got a love letter and roses from someone at her work, but she ripped him a new one and slapped a sexual harassment lawsuit on his ass…actually he might like that…she politely laid it on him…still too sexual…her lawyer took a stapler and stuck it on his forehead…there it is.

After the slump comes a year of good times.  2005 would be like falling in love with your wife all over again…the slump was erased and we’re back to good times.

Have you ever gotten the second best of something?  Like you won a silver medal in a nationwide writing contest?  Or runner-up in a raffle of some sort?  Or second place in the sex Olympics (oh, wait…I got second-to-last…the last place guy was a bag full of broken glass and Tabasco sauce)?  Getting your second desire is great…but it’s just not first.  That’s what the 2006 and 2007 BCS Championship game losses were.  In marriage it would be like getting the second best job and second best house…it’s fantastic, but it’s still not what you set your sights on.  Granted both BCS games were atrocious on Ohio State’s part, but we still did something that 117 other Division I college football teams didn’t do…make it to the championship.

So here we are…it’s about five years into my marriage with Tressel.  I still love that man with all my sports love.  Everything is going great…until IT happens.

Have you ever gotten something you truly wanted, and you think it’s the best possible thing out there…but in the end the thing you wanted is the worst thing in the world and forever changes you?  Examples would be sex with a dirty hooker, sex with a dirty hooker and…sex with a dirty hooker!  (Sorry…I figured that would make sense to those people at the time and then a week later…boom…herpes).  Terrelle Pryor is that thing.  He was the number one high school prospect in the nation.  Ohio State needed a quarterback.  Everyone wanted him…and we got him…and things were never the same.

Pryor would be like a cool, handsome, single neighbor that moves into the house next to your family.  It’s really great when it first happens, but then he sees your wife…and things were never the same.

The potential of TP would always be there, but he never achieved it.  All of us wanted it so bad.  Every year it would be “If only TP could take the next step”, “If only Pryor could be more consistent”, “If Pryor could learn to be a passer”…IF, IF, IF!  If never became when.  The same thing applies to the neighbor.  “If only he would come over to watch the game”, “If only he would go out to the bars with me”, “If only he could bring a hot chick back to his place so I could peep on her”…IF, IF, ILLEGAL!

After another year you start to hear what could be seen as troubles for the relationship, but you don’t think anything of it.  For Pryor it was the stories from other students about his douchebaggery at parties by thinking he’s God’s gift to the university and he deserves anything and everything he wants.  For my marriage analogy it would be you finding a new pair of boxers in your laundry that you’ve never seen before, but your wife says that she bought them for you even though they aren’t your size and are a color and style you don’t wear.

Lies tend to be part of the Snowball Effect: they start small, but soon they get bigger and bigger.  For Tressel he decided not to forward the emails to the compliance office like he should and even told the NCAA that he didn’t know of any wrong doings for his football team more than once.  For your wife it would be her explaining that the only reason she had her shirt inside out coming back from the neighbor’s house was because she accidentally fell in his pool and she had to throw her clothes in the dryer and in her haste to get back to her loving husband she didn’t check which side was right.  Lies work…until the truth comes.

In a matter of months it was proven to the world that Tressel covered up Tattoogate in order to have his would-be ineligible players still be able to play (you could spin it as he was looking out for his kids…most Ohio State fans believe this…but it’s just not true).  In the marriage analogy the proof was found when you were reviewing the security footage to see what happened in Poolgate and found your wife and the neighbor bumping uglies next to his pool shed, including things she never does for you (let’s just say the letters P and A are involved).  The truth came out, but it’s not easy just to let go.

With any deep relationship the victims tend to stand by their partner through the turmoil because it’s so hard to stop.  After his news conference on March 8 I wrote a blog post vehemently defending Tressel and standing by him.  (Side note: it was also Mardi Gras that night so I had a few beers in me and that only strenghtened your belief in both Jim Tressel and seeing boobies).  The Tressel defense is just like showing the footage to your wife of her and the neighbor…but it was Mardi Gras, you’ve had a few beers and you have a strong belief in seeing some boobies, so you stand by her.  This is great and all, but that can’t stop the inevitable.

May 30: Tressel resigned.  Not only did he resign, but it came to light that he lied about a star quarterback at Youngstown State getting improper benefits, too.  (I’m sure the story was there when we first hired Tressel, but I don’t remember it).

Hypothetical Date In The Future: You divorce your wife. Not only did you divorce her, but turns out it wasn’t an infection from the hot tub at your honeymoon…she went to town on the snorkeling instructor, three bell hops, two line cooks and even the minister himself.

After the breaking up occurs in both scenarios it will be hard to get back in the saddle again, but eventually you will heal from the wounds caused by the cheating and hopefully everything will turn out for the best in the end.

Jim Tressel gave The Ohio State University 10 great years of service.  He was an outstanding human being to both his players and the community.  I loved being a student and a fan for the games under his tenure.  I will always be grateful for what Tressel gave us…but I’m moving on.  He’s no longer the coach and when we hire another full-time coach I will be behind that guy 100%.  Let’s hope he can give us another 10 years like Tressel did.

Tressel’s legacy in Ohio will be fine in a few years.  He will have the same love in Columbus as Woody Hayes.  Both guys were unceremoniously relieved of their jobs, but each left an undeniable positive influence on the campus during their tenures.  We as Buckeyes are truly lucky to have had Jim Tressel as a head coach for 10 years. 

He will be missed.

When listening to the press conference tonight on TV I couldn’t help but think of the movie “D2: The Mighty Ducks”.  Why you ask?  Was it because both things involve sports?  Nope.  Was it because Gene Smith looks like Kenan Thompson’s dad?  Hardly.  Was it because the sight of Jim Tressel makes my heart flutter just like staring at Emilio Estevez and his ravishing good looks or uncontrollable hair?  Both are true, but not relevant here.

It was because of the halftime speech Emilio gave for the championship game.  Three simple words: Ducks Fly Together.  Such a simple phrase, but one that invokes unity and solidarity between individuals who come from all sorts of life for one common belief.  Change one of those letters from that phrase and that’s how I felt about tonight…hey, get your head out of the gutter!…no need for profanity, ass…

Bucks Fly Together.

So it turns out Jim Tressel did know about two players from his football team were involved in selling memorabilia in return for tattoos in April and not in December.  As a result of not telling anyone about it Tressel commited a major NCAA infraction and had to be punished.  Gene Smith, OSU’s athletic director, penalized Tressel by suspending him for the first two games of the season and a $250,000 fine.  That would be ok, but the NCAA has yet to finish their investigation and may impose more penalties on Tressel and even go after the football program itself in terms of losing scholarships, banning postseason play or vacating wins from last year (dumbest punishment ever…I still know what games we won…the NCAA doesn’t have a Men In Black mind eraser for what I saw…yet.)  Punishment hurts, but I’ll stand by whatever happens because…

Bucks Fly Together.

The press conference itself left me with a greater sense of pride in The Ohio State University.  The way Gene Smith and school president E. Gordon Gee praised Tressel and stood by his side 110% was awesome.  Never once did either person think about firing Tressel because of the integrity he has built for himself and the program.  When Gene came to Tressel’s aid whenever a reporter asked a question that can’t be answered for legal reasons or when President Gee looked at Tressel and told him he was thankful to be able to call Tressel a friend showed me that even though a mistake happened we are a family and that when the times are toughest…

Bucks Fly Together.

Tressel didn’t go to anybody because he wasn’t sure where to go with the information and as a result of an ongoing federal drug trafficking investigation Tressel couldn’t mention names or dish out any punishment himself because of possibly compromising the investigation.  Sure he should have gone to a member of the legal team employed by the university, told them what was in the email and ask about what he should do now, but that’s hindsight.  In the moment Tressel was looking out for the safety and well-being of his players.  If I were a parent of a high school football player and heard that I would love for my son to play for Tressel because he cares about making my son into a man and showed to me that, indeed…

Bucks Fly Together.

I can’t wait to hear what our opponents have to say.  Everyone will have their signs saying that we’re cheaters, throw removable tattoos at the players or go after Tressel himself.  All the media members will come out and bad mouth Ohio State.  Brent Musburger will mention Tattoo-gate 87 times in the first quarter of the first game he announces for us.  Colin Cowherd will cry out that OSU should get hit harder than USC in sanctions because the coach knew of the infractions and didn’t tell anyone while Pete “Sh*t’s Gonna Hit The Fan?…I’m Outta Here!” Carrol didn’t know about Reggie “I’ve Seen Kim’s” Bush’s transgressions.  Mark May is going to root for Tressel to be burned at the stake for his punishment and it be forever known Tressel was a witch.  And you know what?  Bring it all on because…

Bucks Fly Together.

I love THE Ohio State University.  I support Jim Tressel 110%.  Come at us with both, barrels, America!  We can take it.  We rally around our own.  Kick us when we’re down because we’ll come back harder, stronger and more powerful than before.  We will weather this storm.  We bleed scarlet and gray.  We will never back down because there is one undisputed fact that no one can take away from us…

Bucks Fly Together.