Bryan Fraker's Blog, OSU Winners & Losers: Week 1

OSU Winners & Losers: Week 1

Editor’s Note: This year during THE Ohio State University football season I will recap the game and give you my winners and losers of the game. It will come out on Mondays during the year, but an epic Sunday Funday prevented me from being productive yesterday. Some winners and losers are players, some are coaches, some are inanimate objects, but all had a role in the game. I will also put someone on my S*** List for the year: someone who really is bugging me and is in my doghouse of feces for the remainder of the year.

So…first game of the year. First game of the Luke Fickell era. First game without The Sweater Vest in 10 years. First game to get beyond Tattoogate and every other violation committed in the past year. How did OSU look against the Akron “We’re Division 1?…really???” Zips: 42-0 sounds good. What wasn’t good? My hangover that caused me to fall asleep at halftime. I’m an idiot.

Now for the winners and losers.

Winners

Luke Fickell. Thelre’s nothing more you can ask for as a first year coach in his first game replacing a legend than getting a game at home against a 1-11 school the previous year. Fickell getting the job from Jim Tressel is like a 16 year old getting the keys to his parent’s Lamborghini. What did Fickell do with it? He successfully backed it out of the driveway. Beating a team I wouldn’t trust against the Little Giants isn’t a huge accomplishment, but the team looked great and ready to play the whole game. Also considering he did it with multiple players suspended…Fickell did a great job. Hopefully he doesn’t crash the car against Toledo.
Joe Bauserman. Old Man River looked really good in the game. His throws were crisp, he showed poise in his first start since the Reagan administration and his prosthetic hip held up enough for him to catch the 4 pm dinner special at MCL Cafeteria. Ok enough old jokes. 12-16 for 163 yards and 3 TDs to Jake Stoneburner was a great stat line, but the big play was his quick thinking on the broken play he ran in for a touchdown. Granted his running style was as white as possible, he quickly realized it was a broken play, turned upfield and avoided defenders all the way to the end zone. Braxton Miller played well after his abortion of a first series, but Bauserman played splendid and should still be getting the bulk of the playing time.
Ohio State Fans. FOOOOOOOOOTTTTTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWW’S BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Andrew Sweat. He was an absolute ball hawk Saturday. Flying all over the field, banging everyone with a football and even showing the grace of a heterosexual Michael Flatley with his toe-tapping interception. The lineage of OSU linebackers are sure to continue with Sweat this year.
Suspended players replacements. Freshman Carlos Wyde looked excellent running downhill with his 240 lb. frame. I was pooping my pants imagining having to tackle him. Junior Jordan Hall will get back the starting job (most likely) this week, but it’s good to know Wyde is there for future games if need be. Sophomore Dominic Clarke was all over Akron receivers replacing junior Travis Howard. It will be interesting to see if Howard gets the starting job back for how good Clarke played….oh and Terrelle Pryor is on the Raiders. So he’s got that going for him.
Bottled water sales. 95 degree temperature in the air, 120 degrees on the field, humidity not friendly…Aquafina must have been selling like hotcakes. The bottled water guy had to have the easiest job in the place because two minutes after he loaded his tray he’s sold out. This would have been one of those rare instances where it was almost too hot to drink beer…almost. There’s water in beer, right?

Losers

Non-Buckeye Ohio teams. I know we want to give other Ohio schools the chance to play in front of 100,000+ people, give the $250,000 or so game checks to other Ohio colleges and get some easy wins under OSU’s belt, but…really? Akron joins the ranks of Youngstown St., Miami (OH) and Walnut Springs Middle School for schools that were totally outclassed from the coin toss. The constant stream of cupcakes has led to some irritation towards OSU by people (see S*** List). Toledo, however, has scored over 30 points in eight straight games so there shouldn’t be backlash about playing them…in theory. Step your game up Ohio!
Referees. Two referees went down in the game from the heat including the head referee, which led to everyone having to play charades to find out what’s going on with the replacement head ref who didn’t have a microphone. The zebras were falling at a faster clip than in the Serengeti (get it?…zebras get eaten by lions?…referees are called zebras because of their stripes?…right?…right? Shut up!)
Drew Basil. The junior who’s a new kicker missed his first career field goal of 45 yards, but got a reprieve when Akron jumped offsides. Ok, cool. We’ll forget that first one happened, this one is closer, all you gotta do is knock it through…but he missed that one, too! I know it didn’t matter at all, but if you have trouble with two field goals at home against Akron in the second quarter, what makes you think I have confidence in you come mid-season when we’re down by two late in the fourth at Nebraska’s Memorial Stadium, you have 50,000+ Cornhusker fans screaming at you, millions of people watching at home and you have to hit this 47 yard game-winner? Here’s to it just being opening game jitters.
Elderly. From everything I’ve learned in the 10+ years of watching The Weather Channel in the summer the elderly shouldn’t be out in boiling hot weather. That’s why I was shocked Bauserman played. I thought he would be in a canasta tournament or something. Ok, ok. NOW I’m done with Bauserman old jokes.
Brutus’ Head. I’m no doctor of foam head smells, but I’m betting that head smells something like if a skunk sprayed the inside of a construction site port potty that was then dipped in a vat of ball sweat from the Ohio State offensive line and left to ferment in a room of broccoli and B Dubs Spicy Garlic farts for five years. I pity the person who has to come near that thing anytime soon. They better be wearing a haz-mat suit.
Hangovers. THEY SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now we have the as-yet-unsponsored S*** List (I’m looking at you Depends). This year’s first S***man is Mark May. I understand why ESPN and the rest of the college world and media hates Ohio State. We are cocky (THE Ohio State University, way-too-over-the-top fans, O-H!!!), we laid an egg in two straight BCS Championship games, we play in the Big Ten, we’re 0-9 in bowl games against the SEC (it’s not worth the hassle to claim last year’s Sugar Bowl…they’ll just yell at us more), etc. I get it. Personally I love all the hate because that just means jealousy. The bigger you are the bigger the target.

But to be as appalled as May was that we were “only” up 21-0 at halftime of our first game of the season with a brand new offense, defense and head coach in the wake of our worst scandal in program history…that’s over the top. 21-0 in the first half?!?!?! If you multiply that by two for a whole game…you get 42-0 (which we did!) We beat the spread set by Vegas. Their offense only had one meaningful drive against a prevent defense at the end of the first half for a missed field goal. Our offense needed to get broken in and make sure everyone is on the same page and a well-oiled machine for future games. We don’t stand to gain anything by putting up 90 points on Akron. He wanted us to be up 35-0! If that’s not anti-Ohio State bias I don’t know what is. So for that ridiculous halftime tirade Mark May is on my S*** List, sponsored by (fill-in-the-blank…come on Charmin! It’s worth it!)

So there you have it, folks. The first OSU Winners & Losers post of the year. I promise to do better the next time…and put a cap on 15 Bauserman age jokes per post.