Bryan Fraker? Doing a post? Isn’t he the guy who posed for a raunchy calendar in man-thongs? Who wore capris to high school one day? Who turned an innocent pair of shorts and cut them so short they turned into a kilt that led to the whole party being scared by recreating Braveheart every seven seconds?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And damn straight.
It’s not a fashion review per se. It’s more of some things I see people wear that I really, really think is dumb, looks stupid and should be banned forever. Of course I’m going to be wrong on possibly every point, but this is my realm, damnit! It’s my opinion! HA!!! Anyway…here we go with six fashion trends I just don’t understand:
Tucked in shirt with no belt. If I’ve learned anything from working a city job it’s that you can turn anything into a belt. A piece of rope. An extension cord. A cut-off garden hose. The wrapper to a three foot long Slim Jim. Anything to keep your pants up. I also have total faith that if you claim anything is fashionable and as long as you have enough conviction people will believe you. How else can you explain leisure suits, dickies and shoes with fish in them (thank you Simpson’s for some examples of this.)
Having your shirt tucked in with no belt is the ultimate in “I don’t care what I look like.” With sweatpants you look like you could be hitting the gym. With an old Halloween costume you wear because you’re out of clean clothes you look like you’re going to a party. And with a tuxedo T-shirt you tell the world I’M HERE TO PARTY!!! With this it’s just telling everyone either you’re too lazy to bend down to pick up a belt or that you think the loops on pants are where skydivers connect their parachute. Either way…awful.
Non-low cut female shirts. I’m shocked this is still in existence. Why can’t all female shirts just be low cut? It’s just common sense. And I have the perfect solution for men…Ball Shorts. They cup and make prominent your balls. That way while men barely look down girl’s shirts they have to focus even lower than our eyes to admire our balls. So while they stare perplexed at how a man could have such misshaped testicles we can stare longingly at the 34 C’s hanging there in front of us…and I’m a pervert. Great.
Suit jacket with a T-shirt. Watching some Deadliest Warrior on Spike TV is a manly thing. Who doesn’t want to see if William Wallace was a better warrior than Genghis Khan. It’s genius! I get real excited in the show…and then this happens. It pisses me off! Why the hell would you do this? It’s like you’re telling everyone “Hey! I still live in my mom’s basement even though I’m 32 and have only touched a girl’s boob when I fondled a mannequin in the Sears lingerie section. I’m trying to look distinguished by wearing out my dad’s suit jacket I found in the closet while trying to find a smaller connection to our vacuum so it fits around my ding-dong! I have 1,094 MySpace friends…do you?” I would get mad at the show for letting him do that, but there’s no chance there’s a costume designer on a Spike TV show unless it’s the bikini inspector for women.
Ug Boots with shorts. Yes I know there are supposed to be to G’s in Ug, but I refuse to let Google search fix my ignorance…I’m proud to not know that. Also I was going to say Ug boots in general are on the list because they aren’t waterproof (which defeat the purpose of boots) and have fluorescent colors so flamboyant they make a rainbow flag blush, but then I realized a lot of attractive girls and possible friends who are girls wear them…so I’ll just attack the snooty, uptight sorority chick who doesn’t get my humor and won’t let me do her because I’m betting she has so much bleach and man juice in her hair from her freshman year that she won’t understand she’s being insulted.
So I understand that Ug Boots are some sort of fashion statement themselves as glorified slippers, but wearing them in May when it’s 75 degrees out with shorts? At this point it no longer becomes a fashion statement…it becomes a mating call. I have a term now for you…Sophowhores. I don’t care what grade you’re actually in…this look spans all classes and honors. You wear this outfit because the boots get everyone’s attention for how dumb you look and then you pair that with shorts that something on the ass like your sorority, Pink or some adjective for an ass like delicious or cellulitic. It’s all a play to get attention and guess what…Admiral Syphilis over there is checking you out. Hope you plan on taking Jager and Penicillin shots in the morning!
Men wearing pink. I will never support this trend. Pink does not look good on a man. What’s the first thing his friends say to him when they see his pink shirt? “Hey did that shirt come with the free box of tampons or the signed Jonas Brothers CD?” I confess that I do own a pink shirt…but it was for a bar crawl and by the end of the night it was covered in beer, sweat and grass stains so I made it manly. It’s ok to wear a pink shirt if you’re a man if it’s to support breast cancer…that’s a noble cause and it sure does bring attention to you. Other than that though…no. Pink is a feminine color. There’s a reason why those “It’s a boy!” cigars are blue. If I received an “It’s a boy!” cigars that was pink I would be thoroughly confused and hopeful I didn’t snip the wrong cord on my son and make him castrated at age six seconds. Real men wear pink? Only if I bleed through my white shirt.
Clothing for pets. For the love of God why does this still happen? Every year you see Halloween costumes of doggie nurses, kitty witches and bunny cowboys on America’s Funniest Home videos and when you see random relatives who got a new pet the first picture they’re gonna show you is how their dog Watson up in a Sherlock Holmes costume saying “Elementary dear Watson…do you get it?” as you attempt to slit your wrists on the bow you wrapped the Christmas present in. This is proof that America has too much money (just don’t tell Congress and their debt ceiling that.) You’ll never see a dog running through the streets of Mexico dressed as a ballerina or goats in Bangladesh wearing a Superman costume. You might as well light a $1 bill on fire, toss it on a whole pile of $20 bills and roll around in it with your pet so you can be matching burn victims.
My mom has two cats. I told her that if I ever come home to see her and her cats are dressed up in anything I’m calling A&E and we are filming Intervention on you. What do I forsee happening? My coming home with her two cats dressed as the farming couple in American Gothic and me hanging my head in family shame. I know it’s coming. So if anyone who knows me or my mom is free in the next two weeks let me know so I can get you on the list for Intervention.
I’m no fashion expert…I’m just a simple man who enjoys his beer cold, his women with lady parts and his man-thongs meadow fresh.
