I originally wanted to do a synopsis of the first half of the season at the All-Star Break, but: 1. The All-Star Break is more than halfway through the season (no one said baseball people were smart…we isn’t) and 2. The recent struggles of the 43-44 Reds have made me angry, apprehensive, annoyed and a couple of other adjectives involving the letter A.  Anyway I’ve come up with current problems for the Reds and possible solutions for said problems.

Problems

1. Shortstop.  Just an absolute black hole of a position.  Together the batting line is a .230 AVG, 1 HR, 32 RBI and an abyssmal .274 slugging %.  Essentially Paul Janish and Edgar Renteria are playing exactly like the remnants of a squatting dog…sh*t!!!  Now we knew this wasn’t a position that was going to be a strength, but at least they have great defense, right?  Nope.  Together they have 17 errors this season.  I don’t make that many mistakes riting…righting…wrighting…damnit!  It’s amazing just how much of a liability this position is.  Is there any way we can lure a 47 year-old Barry Larkin from retirement?
2. Drew Stubbs.  Our center fielder, who Dusty Baker said could be a “megastar”, was supposed to finally realize how to hit lead-off, give us a speed threat on the bases and provide excellent range in center field.  What has he done?  He leads the league in strikeouts with 118 (19 more than second place in the National League), a .250 AVG and has been dropped to 7th in the lineup.  I have nothing but adoration for Drew Stubbs.  I saw him live for the Single-A Dayton Dragons and the very first pitch he saw he crushed it 400 ft. to left-center…and I got a Stubbie.  Last year I saw him hit a grand slam in the 8th inning to fuel a victory in April against the Cubs…huge, raging Stubbie.  Everyone knows he has it in him.  Yes he’s only 26 years old and this is his second full year in the majors, but we need a lead-off hitter in a bad way.  I don’t know whether it’s the pressure getting to him, the pitchers know how to pitch to him (he chases third strike breaking balls like it’s his job) or he’s still young, but we need him to step things up in a big way.
3. Starters not named Cueto or Bailey.  Bronson Arroyo: 5.49 ERA, 7-7 record.  Edinson Volquez: 5.93 ERA, 12.38 ERA in the first inning.  Mike Leake: six stolen shirts, $425,000 salary.  Travis Wood: my choice for best pitcher on the staff going into the season…currently in the minor leagues.  The biggest enigma is Volquez.  The man was starting the 2008 All-Star game, then had Tommy John surgery and hasn’t looked right since.  His fastball is back into the mid-90’s, but his change-up isn’t as crisp as before.  It used to drop to high-70’s and fall off the table when it reached the hitter, but now he’s getting it up to mid-80’s and failing to locate it.  Volquez has ace-stuff when he’s on, but the past two years have been horrible.  We need him to become the number two to Johnny Cueto’s one (greatest bright spot this year…has come into his own as a pitcher.)  If this group doesn’t become more consistent then it will be a dismal second half of the year.
4. The American League.  These numbers will encourage every Reds fan if somehow we reach the World Series: 6-12.  That’s the record the Reds had in interleague play this year.  This included losing 2/3 to Baltimore and Toronto and going 1-5 against Cleveland.  Yes, they scrambled at the end to take 2/3 in Tampa, but their home stadium is in worse shape than the Roman Colosseum…and more people view that than Rays home games.  I know we got the murders row of the AL East (minus Boston) for interleague, but that’s what we needed to face because the American League champion is not going to be the Oakland Athletics or Kansas City Royals.  It’s going to be the best of the best, and if the interleague record is any indication of what will happen…well, at least children in Africa can wear Cincinnati Reds 2011 World Series Champion shirts so somebody can get use out of them.
5. St. Louis Cardinals.  I HATE THEM SO MUCH I HOPE THEY ALL SHARE THE SAME STRIPPER WHO HAS MONO AND THE WHOLE TEAM HAS MONO FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AND THEY ALL SLEEP FOR 4 MONTHS AND DURING THE 4 MONTHS I FART AND TEABAG IN THEIR MOUTHS AND THEY WAKE UP WITH THE TASTE OF NUTS AND BUTTS IN THEIR MOUTHS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES AND THEY TRY TO TALK TO PEOPLE THEY’LL BE LIKE “HOW ARE YOU DOING?” AND WHOEVER THEY’RE TALKING TO WILL GO “EW YOUR MOUTH SMELLS LIKE A FART’S BALLS!” AND I WILL BE LAUGHING AND LAUGHING AND LAUGHING HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…that’s all.
6. Stringing hits together.  It’s not just stringing hits together, but getting runners from 1st to 3rd on a base hit.  Last year it seemed like every single was followed up with another hit and the runner getting to 3rd base and eventually scoring.  This year I haven’t seen much of the stringing hits together.  It’s bringing horrible flashbacks of the mid-2000’s teams where the only offense was home runs and…wait, how else do you score?  The problem with this is another problem the Reds have and that’s:
7. Consistency.  Yes the Reds are second in the NL with 406 runs, but they come in bunches.  They’ll score 10 runs back-to-back, then go four games totaling 10 runs.  The pitching will be get two straight quality starts then follow it up with three stinkers.  It’s just maddening.  If they could only scrape a few runs off their routs and sprinkle them in during the 1-0 duels to squeak out a few wins that would be great (if only it were that easy…if I had a few inches shaved off my waist and added to another area that would be great…but I digress.)
8. Left field.  Everybody loves Johny Gomes.  His story is amazing, he plays the game hard everyday and played incredible last year, but he’s just not the same.  He’s turned into (gasp!) Adam Dunn and does one of three things at the plate: dinger, walk or strikeout.  Not much in-between.  Yet Baker keeps giving Gomes the starting nod and not only starting, but batting clean-up (another issue altogether…Scott Rolen isn’t performing, Phillips is a two-hole hitter and batting Bruce after Votto is two lefties).  .220 hitters shouldn’t bat cleanup…batters with an average higher than my BAC on a Friday night should.
9. Aroldis Chapman.  With Arthur Rhodes and his diamond earrings gone to Texas there was a lefty set-up void available to someone.  Hey, I know!  Let’s put the guy who threw the fastest recorded fastball at 105.1 MPH and is slowly being weened into the majors.  Yeah!  That works!  Flash forward to now: one trip to the DL, 18 walks in 15 innings and a 5.50 ERA.  The thing is he has AMAZING stuff.  The best pitched at-bat I have ever seen was against arguably the NL MVP for the first half Prince Fielder.  First pitch: 102 MPH fastball fouled off.  Second pitch: 90 MPH slider that froze Fielder and made him jump in pouting anger.  Third pitch: 99 MPH on the outside black that Fielder has no shot at.  A masterpiece, but he needs more of them.  He needs to be more like Picasso and less like a senile old man with a bed sheet and his own feces.
10. Team chemistry.  This was plentiful last year and at the beginning of this year, but as of the past month it seems like there are 25 individuals instead of one team.  They may still be close knit behind closed doors, but just watching the games on TV it doesn’t look close.  Orlando Cabrera was the team joker last year who helped keep everyone loose and in good spirits whether it be always smiling or being the ball boy when he was on the DL…Orlando always made the mood light.  Brandon Phillips plays the game with a huge smile on his face, but everyone else seems sterile, uptight and by themselves with their thoughts.  Everyone needs to be on the same page.

So there you have it…10 problems and a bitch a’int one (thanks H.O.V.A.!)  Now for possible solutions:

Solutions

1. Trade for Jose Reyes.  Way, way, way, way easier said than done.  Reyes is having an MVP year batting .324, playing stellar defense and stealing 30 bases thus far.  Now he will just be a summer rental (in his contract year and will get a $100+million contract this winter), but that will fill two huge issues we have: lead-off guy and shortstop.  The Mets ownership is in flux because of their involvement in Madoff’s Ponzi scheme, their owner Fred Wilpon has said they won’t sign him for how much he wants and we have a surplus of quality prospects at first and catcher.  Here’s what I think it will take: a quality starting pitcher (Homer Bailey or Mike Leake), two Major League-ready prospects (Devin Mescoraco and Yonder Alonso) and some other AA ball player (pick one).  We have a surplus of starters, a sexy beast at first in Votto, 2010 first round pick Yasmani Grandal primed in a few years and Ryan Hannigan signed for two more years for our catcher.  Reyes has been an injury concern, but in this his contract year we will be getting 100% of his ability.  A safer bet would be to scour the majors from teams out of contention for their shortstop like Clint Barmes in Houston or Jamey Carroll from the LA Dodgers…anything is better than what we have now.
2. Chris Heisey and Fred Lewis platoon in left field…Gomes is bench guy.  Heisey isn’t exactly lighting up the stat sheet, but he’s been better than Gomes this year and has better defense.  Lewis can spell Heisey whenever the match-ups call for it.  Gomes is playing like a pinch hitter with his all-or-nothing stats and the ability to dial-up the long ball if need be.  Although he can still play left when we:
3. Bench Stubbs.  For about a week.  No need to send him down because he still gives us speed and defense.  Just give him some time to solely work with the hitting coach and not have to worry about overthinking in the box in a real-life situation.  He can clear his head and get back to just reacting to the ball…not worrying about where his hands are or if his hips are firing too soon.
4. Promote Zach Cozart.  This is essentially plan C for our shortstop plan.  If all else fails bring up our AAA shortstop.  Granted he does have 11 errors so far, but is batting .313, has nine steals and has only struck out 48 times in 319 AB’s.  It’s time to give some young blood a chance because as I stated earlier…anything else is better than what we have.
5. More hit and runs.  A simple and effective way to get runners from 1st to 3rd.  I know Baker doesn’t use this much, but when you’re slumping it is a great move.  Calling a hit and run forces the batter to only focus on where the ball is and to make contact.  It also makes the middle infielders shift around before the ball is in play and out of position for a grounder at times.  Any ball going into the outfield should get the runner to 3rd and give runners on the corners and an offensive threat. 
6. Dusty Baker gets ejected or a basebrawl happens.  Remember the basebrawl between the Reds and (cough, cough ass****) Cardinals August 10, 2010?  The one where Rolen went after Carpenter, Baker went after La Russa and Cueto went Michael Flatley on Jason LaRue’s head?  That was a bonding experience for the team that helped propel them to the first divisional title since 1995.  With the team in a funk right now the best thing to do would be to have another one, preferably tonight vs. St. Louis.  Baker needs to get in the umpire’s face on the first bad call that goes against Cincinnati and get thrown out.  And I’m not talking just ejected…I mean SportsCenter “Look at this madness” ejections.  He needs to kick dirt, use wild hand motions and get right in the ump’s face so close he can see how many nose hairs are in Dusty’s nostrils.  After the tirade he needs to leave the field, but in the dugout yell encouragement to his players by lighting into them for their crappy play.  Yes I know this is far-fetched and probably won’t happen, but it has been used as a morale-building moment for the players to think “Wow, this guy has our back.  It’s just us against the world.  Let’s beat some ass!”
7. Nasty Boys II.  Building off the previous idea it would be great to have a second coming of the Nasty Boys from the 1990 World Series team.  Norm Charlton, Randy Myers and Rob Dibble…all threw smoke, cussed, drank, plunked batters, talked trash and pissed off everyone on the other team.  This Reds team needs that attitude in the bullpen.  Cocoa Cordero has shown flashes of fire (earlier this year yelling at the (cough, cough ass****) Cardinals bench after he closed a game…brilliant.)  Throw in Chapman’s heater and Sam LeCure’s pirate face…it could work.  Nick Masset can start throwing F-bombs.  Chapman can hit batters with 103 MPH right in the ribs.  Cordero can chug a beer on the field (ok maybe not…but it’d be sweet!)  Again, something that’s far-fetched, but would be only beneficial to the team.
8. Bat Jay Bruce clean-up.  Yes, this means we will have our two best hitters back-to-back and their both lefties, but face it…Votto needs protection.  Phillips tried to bat fourth, but he would always try to do too much.  Rolen isn’t giving much offensively at .250 with some gap power, but he’s slowing down.  I’ve already talked about Gomes ad nauseum.  Bruce is the only other choice.  He’s taken a step forward this year with his NL Batter of the Month for May when he hit 12 dingers.  He doesn’t have the success Votto has against lefty pitching (.360 for Votto vs. .259 for Bruce), but Bruce only bats .257 against righties as is.  Might as well get some quality protection for Votto so he can get more hits than walks.

No I know I gave 10 problems and only eight solutions, but I can’t do everything.  I’m only one man, damnit!  I would love any suggestions you guys have for the other two spots.  Hell, maybe GM Walt Jocketty will do all eight things and have two moves up his sleeve, two.  Or he’ll see me as an irrational fan who thinks he has all the answers, but in fact would poop his pants if he were in Jocketty’s position, make the team awful and be down $100 because I would have to buy new non-poo covered pants for Mr. Jocketty.  Probably the latter…but a guy can dream, can’t he?  Oh…one more thing:

GO REDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!