Here is a list of things I never got to do before the end of the world tomorrow:

• I never had a threesome…unless you count having the TV on during whoopie.  If that’s the case I’m going to have an awkward conversation with Stuart Scott in the afterlife
• I never got to break 80 in golf.  In Tiger Woods I broke 60, in putt putt I broke 40 and in college I broke down my front door, but I never got to break 80 in 18 holes.
• I never got to streak publicly.  My targets would have been women’s field hockey, a Thanksgiving parade, a rodeo, a TV infomercial or dangle myself in front of those bastard religious people who protest Marine funerals with a megaphone just yelling “Look at me!” so their message doesn’t reach the mourners.
• I never got to correctly perform the electric slide.  Such a Caucasian tradition should have been taught to me at home, but alas my two left feet and total lack of musical talent made even this simple dance into something as complicated as answering the question “How does Andy Dick keep getting work?”
• I never got a tattoo.  Leaders for this honor were the Reds/Bears symbol on my tricep, an American flag on my shoulder or a tramp stamp that said “Caution: Hazardous Material On Board”
• I never got to fart on Dickface Brady…but there’s still time!
• I never got to avenge my dad on Wheel of Fortune.  Read this for why.
• I never got to learn how to drive a stick shift.  Personally I think it’s because the thought of me grabbing 9” of something that’s hard, black and used to make something hum…not my idea of a good time.
• I never got to win the following things: a Nobel Peace Prize, a Pulitzer Prize, People’s Sexiest Man Alive, an Oscar, a Grammy, a Golden Liver for a career drinking achievement, a Daytime Emmy, an ESPY, a WNBA MVP and won an Al Roker look-a-like contest.
• I was never elected to a public office.  I was gonna run for something and accuse my opponent to be an un-American pig lover with Photoshopped pictures and keep running these adds until he cracks and leaves for Mexico.  It was a flawless plan.  Oh, well.
• I never beat The Dagwood Challenge at the Ohio Deli.  2 1/2 pounds of deli sandwich and a pound of fries…beat me twice.  I know if I go in really drunk I would have a better chance to beat it in 30 minutes…but in reality I would have to pee four times in that timeframe and the rest of the time will be spent laughing at my sandwich because it had the word “wood” in it.
• I never got to watch the Reds, Bears and Blue Jackets win a title…then yet that’s what Heaven is, right?  Damn straight!
• I never got to pee more than three minutes.  My ultimate goal was to be 80 years old and pee longer than the song “Freebird”.
• I never got to shave my head.  I was always curious to see what’s underneath my slightly balding head, but I’m afraid it would have a striking resemblance to a penis.  I guess now would be the best time to do it…they allow hats in the afterlife, right?\
• I never got to get married.  “Awwwwww….how cute, Bryan!”
• I never got to get divorced. “Ewwwwwwwwwwwww….really, Bryan?  You had to go and ruin the end of your article with that talk.  I hope your shaved head does look like a penis, you….penis.”

Oh, well.  Now if you excuse me…I have some beer that are scheduled to go bad on…let me see the date…The End of The World?  Well, better get crackin’.