Now before you light yourself on fire from reading the title just hear me out.

So Donald Trump thinks he can be President of the United States.  Really?  In that case I’m gonna throw my name in the running for the 2032 election where I’ll likely be fighting other candidates such as Willow Smith, the kid from Two and a Half Men and William Howard Taft’s ass (who will still garner 1% of the popular vote…isn’t democracy great?)

Wonder what my platform will be?  Well, my fellow Americans, I have a 15 point plan that will bring America as much happiness as when Jennifer Aniston shows her boobies on the big screen (and apparently it happens…I’ve set my pup tent…I mean log cabin…I mean…I’m just excited!!!)

1. Free Lap Dance Tuesdays!  My form of stimulus package…stimulating your package.  This works for women, too.  My form of stimulus package to females…a stimulated package…right?  Is that what women want?
2. Tom Brady=National Spittoon.  If anyone sees Dickface Brady anywhere…feel free to spit on him.  It doesn’t matter how disgusting it is.  Hock a loogie in his face, spit some chewing tobacco in his hair, fire a wad of dirty diaper in his mouth…as long as it came from your mouth and is spat in his direction it is all legal.  Catch him in the mall, on the bench of a football game, him grinding on some dude in Chippendale’s on Free Lap Dance Tuesday…anywhere is fair game.  I’m sure I won’t win the Massachusetts or I’mstupidandmakeoutwithmyfamilymembers states, but..oh well.  Oh that reminds me.
3. Michigan gets renamed I’msupidandmakeoutwithmyfamilymembers.
4. Middle Stall Law.  It’s very simple…if you are in a corner stall of a three stall bathroom with no one occupying the other two stalls…and the next person comes in and takes the middle stall…they must be punished.  There will be a button in each corner stall connected to the janitorial staff of each building.  When the button is pushed alerting the staff of an MSS (Middle Stall Stupidhead), they rush in and duct tape the door shut.  While the MSS is fidgeting, panicking and regretting their decision since President Fraker’s new law the janitorial staff grabs their sandwich bag of red paint, fish guts and Curve for Men and dump it in the stall.  It’s not enough to totally drain their spirits…but enough to let them know they did bad.  Originally I thought of allowing the person in the corner stall to bash the offender in the face with a newspaper, but who wants to touch a newspaper that’s been in the bathroom?  Not this guy.
5. Flash Discounts.  My form of win-win situation and a way for consumers to save money while big corporations give back to the community.  I’m going to institute a new form of bartering system.  Say there is a cute pair of jeans an attractive young female (>18 years old…don’t get it twisted) wants.  The jeans cost $100, but she can only afford $80.  She needs to knock off 20% of the retail price.  As a result of the Flash Law she has a way to get what she wants…barter with her body.  She goes to the salesman and asks what it will take to knock off 20% of the price.  He wants total topless…she counters with a kiss on the cheek…he counters with a lap dance…she counters with letting him touch her boobs over her top for three seconds…he counters with five…she agrees.  Problem solved.  She saves money…he gets some action while working.  This will certainly generate an increase in job applications of heterosexual males aged 18-88 at Victoria’s Secret.  This can work with males as well, but…what do women want?  I DON’T KNOW!!!
6. Pluto is a planet again.  I didn’t learn “my very elegant mother just served us nine pizzas” for nothing.  Without Pluto that just becomes an unanswered question.  Nine whats?  I need to know!!!  And don’t tell me to learn a new mnemonic device for eight planets.  That’s just dumb!
7. Research how to ferment celery into booze.  Eating celery burns calories.  Booze has a lot of calories.  Boom!  It may taste like crap, the only mixer would be V8 juice and there’s nothing manly about ordering celery on the rocks, but any chance to get your drink on without getting as fat…that’s a great idea to me.
8. B-Dubs goes back to $.25 wing Tuesdays.  $.45 per wing?  That’s a deal?!?  What a crock.  If I’m President B-Dubs is going back to $.25 wings…for life.  I don’t care if it’s 25 years down the road and chicken wings are more rare than oil…it’s Un-American to gouge people this much.
9. We came from storks…not our parents doing…you know…that thing.  LALALALALA MY PARENTS DIDN’T DO THAT THING LALALALALA I CAME FROM A STORK LALALALALALA.
10. Car Gap Law.  All cars are required to have no gaps where the seat belt clicks in in the front seat.  That way you don’t drop your phone, money or food in that gap causing it to fall under your seat, you fail to pick it up by knocking it further under your seat and you end up cussing really loud about how stupid you were to let your stuff fall under your seat…yeah that won’t happen again.
11. Flip flops are new dress shoe.  There’s nothing worse than having to wear shoes in 95 degree weather.  I decree that flip flops become a classy form of footwear.  It’s about comfort, really.  They’re also really good to use on first dates…
12. New fuel source.  I’m not sure how it will be possible, but I have a new energy that is renewable and is in abundance right this very moment…Cleveland fan misery.  I imagine we could hook up some sort of brain sensors up to a Cleveland fan’s head, take the electromagnetic waves generated from the scars of Cleveland sports past as well as future and turn that into raw energy.  This fuel will be free and there is no end to this in sight because of all the scars Cleveland fans have had to deal with.  The Shot…Edgar Renteria…The Fumble…The Drive (my day of birth…January 11, 1987.  My dad’s a huge Browns fan and I tell people that he broke even that day.  “Sure, my first child was born that day…but John “F***ing Elway had The Drive)…The Decision…the WNBA Cleveland Rockers leaving town.  It’s just a pile of misery that will become our new energy!
13. People in the military can drink at 18.  It’s inferred right now…I want it legal.
14. NASCAR is not a sport and Dan Marino is not an athlete.  Personal opinions, but hey…I’m the President!  I do what I want!!!
15. Lodge Bar is back open!  I mean it’s just common sense.

And now some positions in government that I people lined up for in my Cabinet.

• Vice President: Shirtless Ryan Reynolds.  Men will vote for me based on my policies…women will vote for me because I have People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2010 as my running mate.
• Secretary of Defense: Doc Brown.  What better way to protect our country than a man who can go Back To The Future?!?!
• Secretary of Treasury: Rich Uncle Moneybags.  The guy from Monopoly won’t steal from us.
• Secretary of Education: Rebecca Black.  Anyone who can teach our youth that Thursday comes before Friday followed by Saturday than Sunday is a winner in my book.
• Secretary of Homeland Security: Robocop.  Duh!
• Secretary of Interior: Winner of a nationwide raffle…because I have no idea what the hell this position entails.

So, my fellow Americans, vote Bryan Fraker for President!  And if you still don’t think I’m good enough for the job let me show you my slogan that will definitely get you on my side.

Bryan Fraker: America Good.  Whatever You Don’t Like Bad.