Howdy everybody out there reading this blog while your porn buffers…I mean after you buffered while watching porn…I mean I love Michael Buffer porn………AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!  Let’s start over:

Hello.

I apologize for the lack of posts the last couple of weeks.  Two weeks ago I came down with a glorious cold that put me out of commission for a week or so and left me with a mild addiction to Mucinex, my bed and hallucinating (in between naps I would see myself as Candy, whore of the Underground Tunnel.  I would charge three cents for Mason action and ten cents for Dixon action…you know, the Mason-Dixon line?…come on I can throw some historical jokes in here, too!)

As for the past week I was made up for lost time from Cold Week: played golf for the first time (shot a 67…then I remembered there was a back nine), went to Dime-A-Dog night for the Columbus Clippers (gobbled five wieners…then went to the ballpark and ate 12 hot dogs) and drank (we invented a drinking game to Jeopardy…the smarter you are the more sober you are…by the end of one game I was mooning Alex Trebek for being Canadian…the retirement home did not approve).

Now that I am back to 100% (physically that is…mentally I’m what my therapist calls a “weird mother f*****”) I thought now would be the perfect time to write the greatest blog post ever written…but that was too hard so I’m gonna go grandpappy on everyone and rant about kids these days.  So get your denture cream ready, have Matlock on DVR and pick the granny panties out of your belly button…let’s complain about kids!

The biggest and most obvious complaint that I’m sure every red-blooded American over the age of 21 knows about kids these days…their easy access to porn.  Um, hello?  There’s a little porn machine called the Internet!  You can’t search anything without winding up with porn.  A kid could type “Mother Theresa” into Google for a book report and five seconds later…he’s watching two lesbians in nun costumes going at it.  You will not be getting an A with that…but at least you’ll get two D’s…hahahaha!!!!!!!!…get it?…WOOOOOOO!!!!!!…fun stuff…where was I?…oh yeah, porn.

Back in my day I had to use the computer, search for images on a dial-up connection that took 15 minutes for one boob to show up and copy the images onto a floppy disk to look at them later.  That’s right…a floppy disk.  It could hold 10 images at a time and God help you if you broke the metal springy-thing on the top of it.  Then you’d have nothing.  If you didn’t do that you had to create a folder in your parent’s computer that you know they wouldn’t look in (my token folder name…”Rap Lyrics”…my parents hate rap).  On top of how you stored it would be erasing the paper trail.  You have to clear the browser history so when your parents would try to go to yahoo.com, the most viewed website wouldn’t be yailovenakedwomen.com.  Nowadays kids have flash drives that hold 200 GB with over 800 hours of HD porn videos on it and can be hidden in a video game case instead of under a mattress or in a Five Star binder that may still be hidden in a closet at his mom’s house (I’m kidding, I’m kidding…um…excuse me a second……).

A second thing that’s ridiculous would be the ridiculous shows kids are watching now.  There is zero connection to reality in any of these shows.  You have a sponge living at the bottom of the ocean when sponges really float (Spongebob Squarepants) and a dad dating and living with his teenage daughter (Hannah Montana).  Children need to know what is real and isn’t.  We need the gold old shows I grew up with: four turtles who fight crime led by a giant rat (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) and five humans of different colors who can combine to make a super metal object that destroys giant enemies of varying imaginary species and sizes (Showgirls…I mean Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers).  You know…reality!!!

This post isn’t just ragging on kids, though…it’s also about pointing the finger at the parents.  Some of the things parents are allowing their kids to do are simply ridiculous and should never happen.  For example: why are there 11 year-old kids with cell phones?  Who the hell do they have to call that they can’t use a landline or a parents’ phone?  Don’t tell me that they have to text their friends…about what?  How girls have cooties?  That Chad is a smelly poopy butt?  It’s the same inane chatter that goes on with kids in high school, but at least they can drive themselves and need a cell phone.  My kid is not getting a cell phone until they are 16…end of story.  When you can drive yourself home, I bequeath you a cell phone (not the cleverest line in the world, but we can’t all by Johnnie Cochran.)  If my kid has a problem with not getting a phone at 11, they can wait five years to text me their anger when they’re 16.

A second thing that parents need to do with their kids is let them play!  And I mean let them play as in dodgeball and freeze tag, not juggling scarves or yoga.  There is a constant clamoring from the media that children are getting too fat, but children aren’t allowed to exercise in order to burn off their McDonald’s Happy Meal.  If it were up to the overprotective parents that lead the PTA and want the FCC to start fining radio and television for using the word butt, we would have a world of skinny, sickly looking kids that don’t exercise, don’t eat meat, don’t do activities that involve touching someone and are afraid of everything…in other words, the French.

And another thing with the overprotective parents out there…cut it out with the “every kid gets a trophy” crap.  32 kids participate in something…32 kids get an equal sized trophy and no one is the winner because “all the kids are winners”.  No…they’re…not.  There are winners and there are losers.  Losing helps you learn.  I lost a 4th grade spelling bee because I misspelled “surprise”.  I spelled it “curprise”; and I’ll tell you one thing…I’ll never misspell surprize again. 

Taking away the delight and euphoria of winning is a bigger travesty than having the feelings hurt of the losers.  If kids don’t get a taste of competition and the urge to win and want to be the best the real world is gonna kick their asses.  If you don’t have something stating who’s on top then you will never try to make yourself better in any way so you can be the best you can be.   Just because your son Billy sucks at sports, PTA Mom, doesn’t mean you get to piss on my son’s strengths.  Give out trophies for winning, damnit!  I didn’t enter an Al Roker Look Alike Contest just to be in it…I wanted to win!

Thank you for letting me rant a little bit.  This constant rain is making me angry!  FRAKER SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you next post.