As I was sitting at work today staring off into the distance from the confines of a newly cleaned bathroom stall between doing work and taking my 5th “bathroom break” (code for just sitting on the toilet) of the day I began to wonder if my beloved Cincinnati Reds have what it takes to make the World Series (for the record…yes) and how that would be Heaven if they did. Then I wondered what my Hell would be and quickly shuddered at the thought of the St. Louis Crybabies…I mean Antichrists…I mean Lovespregamecirclejerksandbuttcrackbodyshots were to win. Then I thought about Queen Latifah fighting Marmaduke. Then sex. Then baseball. Then sex. Then a unicorn dribbling a basketball. Then sex with a basketball. Then what my whole Hell might look like because I’m curious and perverted that way. After hours upon hours of thinking with billions upon billions of tax dollars wasted and trips upon trips for “bathroom breaks” I came up with what I think my Hell might be.  You ready?  Here we go…and yes I know I’m weird.

I imagine my Hell is a giant game show with the devil as the host.  His name is Cornelius and he is the demented, unholy brother of Big Bird.  Turns out they both tried out for Sesame Street, but Big Bird got the job because kids smiled when Big Bird talked to them and Cornelius would keep causing the children to wet themselves just from his presence.  His eyes are jet black, his feathers blood red and he carries a scepter with him that shoots fireballs, fish guts and those annoying giant green nuts that make your hands smell awful for days if you touch them.

The stage is set up like Hollywood Squares…a tic-tac-toe formation of nine rooms numbered 1-9 with steps up to each one.  There is a studio audience filled with demons, ghouls and people who don’t want to be my friend on Facebook so they have the opportunity to laugh at me even in the afterlife.  In the middle of the stage there is a giant spinner that looks just like the one from the board game Life. It has 10 spots with the numbers 1-9 on nine of them and the tenth spot is called “Booby Waterfall”.  It’s just there to give me hope.  It’s impossible to land on.  Cornelius is the devil after all.

In order to figure out which room I have to enter I first have to walk right up to the wheel and drop my pants.  Each peg on the wheel, instead of being a harmless plastic nub, is a taser set to “Deep Fry”.  Cornelius spins the wheel, the tasers turn on and the only way to get the wheel to stop is for the tasers hit…let’s just say, to keep this post family-friendly…my exposed penis.  After 17 years or so of constant “Shock C**k” the wheel will eventually land on a number.  I then have to waddle up the stairs to whatever room the wheel landed on while I constantly get stung on my ass by millions of bees that inject me Tabasco sauce whenever they strike until I finally fall through the correct door and into the torture room “Shock C**k” decided.

“But Fraker,” you may ask “what do each of the numbers mean?”  First off you are a sick human being for wanting to know how I would spend eternity if I were to be cast into the depths of Hell for my life of sin and blasphemy.  Second…I like the way you think so I’ll tell you.  There is no order in terms of which room is worst because, quite frankly, f*** them all.

1. Teabag Room.  This is the room where I drink green and Earl Grey teas while talking current events with friends and family, right?…Wrong!  This is the room that consists of only a naked Tom Brady and a knee-high bench with straps.  I get strapped on the bench laying face up.  Tom Brady straddles my face.  Tom Brady then squats up and down with his, um, footballs whacking my face in various spots.  Eyes, nose, mouth, forehead…all of it.  This goes on and on until Cornelius deems fit.  Could be five minutes, could be 5,000 years.
2. Blind Melon “No Rain” Room.  Exactly what the title says.  There’s nothing in here but four speakers in the corners blaring the worst song in the history of mankind: Blind Melon’s “No Rain”.  No matter how hard I try to cover my ears or yell over the song to drown it out the volume always the same noise level in my head…brain raping.  I have to endure this torture with no sleeping, eating, drinking or suicide until Cornelius sees fit.
3. Back Door Room.  A room full of objects ranging from a pencil to an atomic bomb with every size in between + me bent over a chair + Cornelius as a proctologist= the Back Door Room.
4. Swimming Room.  Upon entering this room I fall into an ocean of water.  After I pop my head out of the water I see an island with all my friends waiting for me.  They’re all screaming for me to join them on the island for an awesome party.  There’s even a group of female movie stars yelling for me to make it so they can give me immense pleasure forever.  I start doggie paddling over with a chubby imagining a 2003 Britney Spears massaging peanut brittle on my butt and right when I’m about to set foot on the island and…a shark bites off my arm and the tide takes me back out to sea.  I try again to reach it and get within inches of the goal when a group of piranhas eat all the skin off one leg.  Back out I go, get within centimeters of land…then get Steve Irwined by a stingray (too soon?…uh-oh…that’s a “going to Hell” comment, isn’t it?…damnit!…I’m not helping my cause to not go to Hell by making comments that will send me to Hell in a post I’m writing about what my Hell might look like…poor timing)  Anyway, this process keeps going with other marine animals until there’s just my head floating in the water like Wilson from Castaway and finally land on the island…only to have Cornelius lift me out of the water, look into my soul and yell “You’re still in Hell, bitch!!!”
5. Waxing Room.  As many of you know I like to say my body looks like “Chewbacca going through chemo.”  In other words…I’m a hairy man.  This room consists of me getting my feet chained into the ground like a car wash.  I am then disrobed completely and the track begins to move.  At random intervals a waxing strip dipped in fire is slapped on me and quickly removed causing the hair to go with it and leaving behind third-degree burns.  Here’s the kicker…my hair instantly grows back.  I see it come off my chest in the wax, but when I look down my sternum is still a forest of follicles.  The waxing strips pay maximum attention to my nipples, bikini line and eyelids.  This process goes on until Cornelius deems fit.
6. Sports misery.  This goes straight to my first love…”wiener?”…very funny, jerk…it’s not wiener…it’s sports.  I sit on a chair of fire ants while eating asbestos chips and drinking hydrochloric acid while watching all the sports moments that have given me heartbreak: Ohio State football losing their national championships to Florida in 2007 and LSU in 2008.  Ohio State basketball losing the national championship to Florida in 2007.  The Cincinnati Reds getting swept by the Philadelphia Phillies in 2010.  The Chicago Bears losing to the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLI and then to the Green Bay Packers in the NFC Championship game in 2010.  The Columbus Blue Jackets.  The time my junior year in baseball I missed a suicide squeeze call in a tie game in the last inning and we lost in extra innings.  The time I peed myself at a coach pitch game in 1996. Not only does Cornelius show all of these moments on a loop…he throws in hypothetical situations in there that I think are real and involve people I hate.  The Reds lose in the World Series on a walk-off home run by Dane Cook.  The Bears lose in the Super Bowl on a last second TD pass from Pat Sajak (until I get on Wheel of Fortune!) to former Westerville City School Superintendent George Tombaugh.   I miss a two foot putt for the Masters championship and lose to any Canadian while my pants fall down showing that I have no genitalia and as a result I get laughed at by every female I ever found attractive in my life.  Cornelius probably will make this stage last the longest…it’s the worst.
7. Retirement Home Sponge Room.  I’m transformed into a sponge at a retirement home and am used in baths to every resident until Cornelius says so.
8. “Hold it!!!” Room.  This room is just a hybrid of the movies Saw and Speed.  As soon as I enter the room I find a stick of dynamite on my, uh, member.  A TV then turns on explaining that I must consume a gallon of water in 10 minutes or else the dynamite goes off.  I finish the challenge in with one second to spare.  I think I’m out of the woods, but then I get a phone call from Dennis Hopper telling me that if I ever pee, even one little drop, the dynamite will blow up.  After I hang up the phone Keanu Reeves is magically in front of me grabbing my member with one hand yelling at me “Don’t pee!  I’ll think of a plan!” and Sandra Bullock is behind me with her hands inside me holding onto my bladder like it’s a steering wheel and yelling “I’M SO SCARED RIGHT NOW!!!  WHAT DO I DO???”  This goes on for hours until Keanu and Sandra realize they don’t need to be holding on to me in order to survive, run out of the room, I start to pee and…BOOM!!!  The dynamite goes off, blood goes everywhere and Cornelius leaves me in tremendous pain with no member until he decides to end it.
9. ???…Room.  This room hasn’t been invented yet.  Cornelius will have something evil in this room for sure.

After I enter one room and Cornelius grows weary of watching me writhe in agony he takes me out of the room and I have to spin the wheel and do “Shock C**k” again.  This process goes on for all eternity.

So there you have it.  What my Hell might look like.  Of course it will end up being 1,000,000,000,000,000 worse than I can ever imagine.  It’s Hell!

Now if you excuse me I’m going to pray for the next 32 years.