Hello all! It’s Valentine’s Day and are you confused if you’re a single man on this day or not? Well, I have the perfect quiz for you to know if you are in fact a man flying solo on this loving-est of loving days! Let’s get going gang!
(And if you’re really good…try to guess what the other people are. Trust me…it’s tough!)
1. What is your thought heading into Valentine’s Day?
A. I can’t wait to have all sorts of hearts, flowers and other loving gestures showered upon me throughout the day because someone loves me and knows if he doesn’t deliver the goods today he doesn’t get your goods until Memorial Day.
B. I can’t wait to buy all sorts of hears, flowers and other loving gestures to shower upon someone throughout the day because I know that’s what she’s expecting and if I don’t satisfy her this day I won’t get the chance to leave her unsatisfied…if you know what I mean…I’m talking in bed…okay that sucked…moving on…
C. I can’t wait to see all the hearts, flowers and other loving gestures showered upon other girls to finally get off the news feed of Facebook before the bottle of wine I will inevitably drink hits my system and I start liking every picture of my ex’s Facebook page so his new girlfriend asks “Who is this girl?” and he’ll have to explain to her about the two week Sexfest when they were “on break”…take that, Kyle!
D. I wonder if I can eat a whole Red Baron pizza…
2. What’s the first thing you do upon waking up on Valentine’s Day?
A. I get waken up by the intoxicating smell of a Spanish omelet, turkey bacon and that special bagel I loved from that one bagel place 50 minutes away because he loves me.
B. Get up at 4:30 am to drive 50 minutes away to get this stupid bagel that is exactly like the store bought kind, but she insists “no it’s not…they use fresh flour!”…but I do this because I love her!!! Right?!?!?!…AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
C. I wake up from my dream of being wooed by every man from every romance novel I’ve ever read only to find myself making out with my pillow naked and confused.
D. Am I allowed to say pleasure myself?…no?…okay…in that case…watch Looney Tunes.
3. On Valentine’s Day the word “rose” means:
A. An amorous flower that is an everlasting token of my love that my someone special gives to me on this ever-so loving day!
B. This random flower that is chosen by some woman whose price always gets jacked up 200% around Valentine’s Day when I finally buy the damn things only to have them die three days later and get thrown out!…at least chicken wings take care of your hunger!!!
C. The name of the character in Titanic who is saved by Jack when he lets her take the floating door in the frigid ocean to survive while he dies…”I’ll never let go, Jack!”…(sob)…”I’ll never let go”.
D. The name of a character in Tit-tanic when I pleasure myse…I mean Looney Tunes?
4. What happens to you at work on Valentine’s Day?
A. I get surprised by my lover with a singing telegram singing the song that played when we first kissed (Hanson’s “Mmm Bop”), a giant teddy bear wearing the t-shirt of the movie we went to on our first date (Sleepless In Seattle) and a framed picture of us doing that funny pose we made when we first confessed our love to each other (we both put our thumbs on our noses)…it’s so romantic!
B. I have to sweat for eight hours hoping that I got this stupid list of things right that she wanted to get delivered to her work. Not only that, but I hope it gets sent to the right cubicle, that I chose the right song when we first kissed (it’s either “Mmm bop” or Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”), some sort of stuffed animal about a movie we liked or something (I just went with Beaches…women love Beaches) and something else that I totally forgot so I just bought her a pair of crotchless panties…I think she wanted that.
C. I have to act like the dozen roses that got delivered to me at my office were from a man named Enrique and not from myself. I practiced my surprised face in the mirror for two months straight…I think I’ve got it down.
D. Today is Tuesday, right? I think it’s spaghetti today for lunch.
5. What’s your plan for dinner on Valentine’s Day?
A. My lover got reservations at this romantic French establishment named “Le Petit Poisson” where we will enjoy a candlelight dinner while we listen to romantic orchestra music as we gaze into each others eyes romantically…it’ll be so romantic!!!
B. I gotta go to this dumb French place called “White Flag Wavers” or something stupid like that, shell out $150 for something that couldn’t fill a guinea pig, listen to glorified elevator music and be paranoid all night that I’ll accidentally stare at another woman because my girlfriend will be staring directly at me for the whole meal for some reason…it’s a nightmare…at least I wolf down three burgers on the way home from work so I’m full.
C. I would have plans, but my cat’s been acting really depressed lately and I think he’s scared of being alone on Valentine’s Day so I’m just going to order some Chinese takeout and buy Mr. Whiskers some cat nip so he won’t be sad on this day of love…and being loved my someone…like a man…I’M COMING MR. WHISKERS!!!
D. I don’t know…why do you care? If there’s something in my fridge that doesn’t have mold in it I’m eating that. If nothing’s in there…pizza.
6. What’s your idea for entertainment after dinner?
A. My lover puts candles all over the bedroom. We pour some rare 1895 French wine and embrace each other for hours on end…just feeling our souls intertwine and become one in a loving display of affection that surely will last always and forever. The cutest thing about all this…he weeps in my arms when we talk about Valentine’s Day!…and then I weep…it’s so romantic!
B. I have to stay fully clothed while hugging my girlfriend for what seems like two weeks while drinking glorified toilet water around hundreds of crappy smelling candles as I cry about the hit my bank account takes from this day…IT’S NOT FAIR, DAMNIT!!! I JUST WANT SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXX!!!!
C. To comfort Mr. Whiskers I pop in Homeward Bound because he loves that movie…Shadow, Chance and Sassy…they love each other…so, so much…I think after this I’m watching The Notebook while eating a gallon of Triple Double Chocolate Fudge Fudge ice cream…you know, for Mr. Whiskers sake.
D. Put on my sweatpants, thrust my hand in the waistband and enjoy a combination of ESPN, Spike TV and whatever else involves boobies, sports, farts or explosions.
6. What do you do in your bedroom before sleeping on Valentine’s Day?
A. I take off all my clothes, slide under a towel, have my lover give me a 30 minute massage using exotic Far East body oils before he takes me in his arms and we make sweet, passionate love as we listen to the soundtrack for Twilight during our lovemaking.
B. SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX! SEX!!!!!!!!!!!
C. I curl up in a ball with Mr. Whiskers in my arms and we cry each other to sleep because he just can’t take another Valentine’s Day alone! I’m getting him 14 more friends for next Valentine’s Day so when it’s February 14…he has 14 people who love him!!!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D. Two more minutes of Tit-tanic while pleasure myself again…I mean watch more Looney Tunes!
7. What one word/phrase describes Valentine’s Day to you?
A. Romance.
B. $500 sex.
C. DON’T LEAVE ME MR. WHISKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
D. Wait…that was today?
