Anyone who knows me knows I’m the model of physical fitness…and by model I mean the antithesis of perfect physique. While some men pride themselves on six-packs; I pride myself in polishing off six-packs.
So I know what you all are saying: “Hey, fatty…want this large pizza, fatty?” First off…ouch. Secondly I have gone to the gym before and I’m even going to the gym at my work to jog after my shift because there’s no greater motivation to get in shape than spending 40 hours a week firmly on your ass. Thirdly…do you really have pizza?
No, Bryan! That’s for after this post! You’ve already had to clean two spills off your keyboard to date: one being pizza sauce from a dropped slice and two from your seme…semester essay that didn’t have the white out dry out properly and it got white stuff all over the keyboard…whew!…dodged that bullet…wait a minute…
Anyway from my knowledge of the gym I have come up with some things that truly are pet peeves of mine in the gym while others are just general observations of a day of going to the gym:
Heavy Footed Jogger. This isn’t meant to be racist, but whenever I see someone jogging on the treadmill at a gym and it sounds like an elephant running at full speed it’s always an Asian male. This person always is an exchange student who has put on a few pounds from hanging with us fat Americans and is looking to shed some weight, but no one has taught him the proper way to run. I guess communism doesn’t focus on proper physical fitness…right China?
The Groin Machine. I swear this machine is magnetized to my eyeballs and whenever someone sits in it my eyes instantly go there. Basically what you do is sit in this machine and open and close your legs to do a rep. It looks like those Thighmaster commercials from the ’80s. Essentially you have your legs spread eagle, then shut them, then go spread eagle again.
It has to be the most awkward exercise for a girl to do. You have to sit there and basically act like you’re in stirrups for a pap smear only you get to flap your legs together while every guy in a 25-foot radius glances at you at least 42 times per set. I’m surprised they don’t have this machine in a corner with a curtain around it like The Wizard of Oz.
And if you’re a guy doing this…you better start tucking it in, wuss.
Accidental Eye Contact. Very dangerous at the gym regardless of sex. If I’m in the gym and accidentally make eye contact with a girl as she’s lifting she’s gonna assume I checked her out (98% correct answer) or she instantly becomes scared at this balding man curling five pound dumbbells wearing a sleeveless “I Heart Boobs” shirt in the corner is staring at her while she works out and runs away…happens more than you’d think.
If it’s a guy I accidentally make eye contact with he’ll think I’m sizing him up. Regardless if I am or not he’s going to laugh because anyone trying to do pull-ups with a shirt that stops above his belly button and has his pants dangling at his ankles showing everyone his Ren and Stimpy briefs is no real threat to anyone.
Dumbbell Hog. This happens at any smaller gym (hotel, work, sex dungeon) where there’s only one set of dumbbells per weight. They are such a premium that whoever grabs them is going to keep them for the duration of their workout and may love them so much that they hide them behind that weird fake plant in the corner until they need them again. This person aggravates me because it only happens when I want to get a quick workout in. If I have all day…all weights are free. If I have 20 minutes…all 20-35 lb. dumbbells are out and being hogged by people like they’re Gollum and the weights are their precious.
Jeans On A Basketball Court. Specifically in college gyms, but happens in the outside world, too. It never fails to see one person shooting hoops with a pair of jeans on. Not only is this person wearing jeans, but they are TERRIBLE at shooting…which is probably why they wear jeans in the gym. I don’t care if you just met friends to chat about what to do tonight, when homework is due or to bum a puff from someone’s asthma inhaler, if you wear jeans to the gym…DON’T SHOOT AROUND!!! The only people who can play sports in their jeans are Brett Favre and his friends because they look good and comfortable, damnit!
The Grunter. Here are the only times a man is allowed to grunt: passing a kidney stone, getting his prostate checked, being intimate with a woman, dropping a deuce in his personal bathroom with no one else in the house, walking with pain or becoming angry at a simple household chore that is taking way too damn long (like replace the light bulb in a second story hallway…those glass covers are so hard to get back on!…IT’S STUPID!)
Notice on that list there isn’t lifting a weight that’s too heavy for you because you wanted to look cool in front of everyone at the gym and the only way for you to get that weight off your chest before you suffocate is to grunt like a caveman who’s wrestling his dinner of saber-tooth tiger to the ground. Sure you may have succeeded in not dying, but everyone else in the gym is instantly annoyed at you and secretly was rooting for gravity to win…just this once.
Baggy Shorts While Spotting. This only is a fear of mine when someone’s spotting me during a bench press. I constantly have anxiety when I go to bench that when I lay down to get my grip the guy spotting me is going to be wearing baggy shorts with baggy boxers on and when I look up…I get a worm’s-eye view of my spotter’s worm.
I have done hundreds of sets of bench presses and this has never happened…but I’m always afraid of it.
Fart Cloud. Everyone who spends more than 30 minutes lifting weights during a busy time knows Fart Cloud. The diets of people at the gym provide the perfect storm for a Fart Cloud. You either have the people taking protein shakes and Powerbars to maximize their workout or the people eating fast food and drinking beer who are here to minimize their weight gain. Put these two people together and you get the deadly Fart Cloud.
Here’s the amazing thing: you never smell it just walking around. You can spend 24 minutes talking with friends, stretching and watching TV. As soon as you start lifting weights, halfway through your first set…BAM!!! The Fart Cloud gets you. It’s this ungodly smell of rotten eggs, cocoa powder and burnt Spandex. You instantly can’t breathe, but you have to finish you set. You lift as fast as you can, finish, throw the weights down and take a big whiff of air like a scuba diver who lost his oxygen tank. A true nightmare.
Foreign Machines. Nothing is worse than having a set routine and when you have to take it to another gym…they don’t have any of your normal equipment. Now you’re stuck trying to decipher the pictures of the guy doing the exercise taped to the side of the machine, which never actually help and you end up having to start pulling at random bars and pulleys until the muscle you want to work out starts feeling it…even though you’re really injuring 53 other parts of your body to work out your right calf. No pain, no awkward and minuscule gain.
Too Loud iPod Person. Hey, buddy! I like Tom Petty, too! I just like him in a social setting with friends while relaxing and drinking a beer. I don’t like him forced on me at the gym by some yahoo blaring “Free Fallin’” while using the Stairmaster. If it’s a song I like that goes with being in the gym (upbeat/hard rock) I get it, but there’s nothing worse than someone listening to music that is in the wrong place and wrong time. I doubt anyone should be able to squat 500 lbs. while jamming to The Fray.
Trainer Offering Advice. The gym’s version of a homeless man asking for change. You’re doing an exercise slightly wrong, someone comes over: “Hey, if you start from your hips and finish right at eye level that will give you extra burn.” You smile, do what he says because he’s staring right at you, realize it worked, finish your set, politely thank him, start to walk away when he says: “Hey…what else you doing? I’m sure I can help you with that, too.” That’s when you know the man is a trainer trying to sucker you in. No, sir! I will not fall for that! I will do my exercises with 80% efficiency and free rather than 100% and paying you $50 a session!
If a hot female trainer came up to me, though…she wins. It’s like legalized prostitution for their process. Just flirt with the guy, do some exercises with him and when it’s all over hand him a bill. When he protests just ask “Do we have a problem?”, point to any of the ripped co-workers there are and the man should cower in fear and give you $50. Super easy.
Water Fountains. Not that they’re there, but there’s always an issue at water fountains. When you go for a drink there’s always a line. Not only is there a line, but the person in front of you always has a 36 oz. water bottle that has to be filled at the water fountain that takes 18 minutes to do instead of the five seconds it takes in the locker room sink. When you finally get to the front of the line you’re stuck with the one that’s tall enough for a kindergartner to use. You bend down to get a sip, but the flow isn’t strong enough and there’s no way you’re making out with the fountain for some water…I’m pretty sure that’s how herpes started. You move over to the tall fountain for some refreshment, but you lean in too close because your body’s used to the toddler one and when you turn on the water it comes out really strong and goes straight up one nostril causing you to choke.
Gym water fountains: how you can go from waiting in line for a drink to lying on the floor getting mouth-to-mouth from some 300 lb. body builder named Henrich.
As you can see there is no shortage of stuff to be annoyed with/laugh about in the gym. Just remember it’s all fun and games until you’re staring straight up at your buddy’s willy…then it’s nightmares and therapy.
