I just went to the dentist’s office for the first time yesterday since I was an innocent high school student looking to get A’s, apply to colleges and not drool on myself when a girl talked to me. Now it’s seven years later. I’m a depraved 25 year-old man who enjoys C’s and D’s, graduated college and doesn’t drool on himself anymore when girls talk to him…he giggles like a little girl.
Anyway during my appointment I came to realize that the doctor’s office is a really awkward place once you hit high school. When you’re a kid the doctor’s office was a mix of heaven and hell. The hell consisted of getting pried out of your comfy bed when you’re sick to go get painful shots from an old man smelling of moth balls and who won’t stop pinching your face even if it’s covered in snot.
The heaven is universally one thing: lollipops. The worst thing a doctor could do: replace lollipops with stickers. Who the hell wants a sticker? You can’t eat a sticker! You just stuck a Popsicle stick down my throat…you have to have Popsicles somewhere!!!
Where the doctor’s office starts to become awkward is as a freshman in high school. When you’re a 15 year-old boy you have so much to worry about as is. You’re in a new school, puberty is in the middle of ravaging your body into a hairy, pimply, voice-cracking pile of sweaty, stinky bones; girls smell and look prettier and you find whenever you stare at their socially acceptable lumps on their chest you get a socially unacceptable lump in the front of your pants…that’s a double standard! Anyway the awkwardness starts right when the doctor utters this phrase:
“Turn your head and cough.”
As soon as that is said…you hate the doctor’s office! No amount of lollipops can change that…ok, maybe a truck-full…but they have to be Tootsie or Blow Pops!…no crappy purple ones with the stupid twisty handle on them!
Side note: I had a great physical experience once and it coincides with the first item on the list below. I was a sophomore and needed a physical again. I was not looking forward to the awkward conversation that happens while your jewels are being cradled: “So…you like peanut butter M&M’s?”…”Um, yeAAAAAHHHHHHHHH COLD HANDS!!!”
I sat in the waiting room waiting to get this over with and when the door opened…my pediatricians hot female coworker stepped in! My original doctor was out and she was seeing his patients. She did all the other stuff and when it came to the turn and cough maneuver she asked if I wanted her to get a male doctor. I calmly replied something like: “No, that’s ok madam. I’m sure you have all the proper knowledge of the techniques needed for this. You may proceed.” But in my head I was thinking “A FEMALE IS TOUCHING ME DOWN THERE…uh-oh…NO BONER! NO BONER! NO BONER! NO BONER! NO BONER!”
After the first physical you only go to doctor’s routinely for two things: whenever blood is coming out of an orifice or there’s something wrong with your balls (you gotta watch out for your boys!) I know you should have preemptive visits every year…but society made you voluntarily have another man touch your private area! I don’t want that to happen again!…until I’m 40 and I get turned into a life-size finger puppet.
Having said all that…there are some pleasant surprises you can get during doctor’s visits:
Attractive women working. Very prevalent in dental assistants. This is a huge perk because the assistants do most of the work. The dentist comes in for the assessment and any major work. The assistants get to do the cleaning and easy work…which means more time with her. Sure, you don’t talk because your mouth is open, but for people with no game like me it’s a godsend.
A thing of beauty happened yesterday as well. I had my face facing directly up, the dental assistant had to bend over to see the work needing to be done and the next thing you know…side boob on the cheek! Yes it’s pitiful! Yes it’s sad! Yes it’s incredibly weird and pathetic!…but it’s nice nonetheless.
This point works for men…for women?…I don’t know. I don’t know what happens if the OBGYN is an attractive man. I mean do you?…no I don’t wanna know!…I mean does he?…no, leave it alone, me!…is it like washing a car where you can order a deluxe “buffing” serv…AHHHHHHHHHHHH STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Negative STD test. Obviously there are millions of other tests that are matters of life and death, but for college students…this is huge!
It doesn’t matter if you’re doing tests because you just want to know or if you’re there because you went raw with a girl who popped a Valtrex pill in the shot you bought her. I once got an HIV test not because I was afraid, but because I was so broke I couldn’t afford condoms and they gave away free condoms afterward (a penny saved means safe sex with Penny…hi-oh!)
As expected the results came back negative, but even with the results being what I thought (I’m negative, ladies…STD-free since 1993…kindergarten was tough, though…just a blur of shooting up melted Lucky Charm marshmallows and walking the streets behind the sandbox) I still did a mini-fist pump for the good news.
Accompanying someone with a funny ailment. You’re the one who’s safe. You’re the one who’s completely healthy. You’re the one there for moral support. They’re the one with a keg tap stuck in their butt. Priceless.
Seeing a specialist with a funny name. Very rare, but a source of mini-enjoyment and proof that we can be pigeon-holed by our parents into occupations. Proctologist Seymour Butts. OBGYN I.C. Beaver…and those are just two examples from the mind of an immature adult!
Thank you doctors for helping us feel better, but also thank you for giving us awkward moments with our pants down!
