One hour.
That’s 60 minutes. 3,600 seconds. Two 30 minute TV shows. Four quarters of football play. 59 1/2 minutes of crying after premature ej…what?
However you slice the pie it totals one hour; and later tonight, starting at 11 pm, will be the most harrowing, scary, pressure filled hour ever created by man since having to watch The Bachelor…finding a kiss at midnight.
Being a single man has its perks. You don’t have to clean your room for anyone, your diet can consist of nothing remotely close to a vegetable and you can leave schoolgirlswhoneedspanked.com up without ridicule. However midnight on New Year’s Eve is a positive because you don’t have to deal with the hour from Hell.
Now I’ve never had to disarm a bomb, but I have a general idea of what the pressure is like. You have a limited amount of time as a timer keeps getting smaller and smaller while you have to put all your focus and energy into something bad happening…kinda like the NYE kiss.
The timeline for finding someone to kiss at midnight goes the same way year in and year out to every single male on the planet who isn’t a male model, loaded with cash or packing a small dog in his pants. It all begins at 11:
11:00 pm…12/31/Year…at a party. You’re having a great time at this party. A lot of people have come out dressed in fantastic outfits (except for the one guy in a baby diaper with a hole cut out in the front for women to “shake his rattle”) and looking to start another year with a clean slate. The alcohol is flowing, the conversation is engaging, but one thing is on your mind…a kiss at midnight.
11:15 pm. A quick look around the room will help gauge the situation. You can easily weed out the women in relationships, any parents if they’re there and anyone with a cold sore (EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Once you spot some possible options you have to come up with a game plan.
11:20 pm. Time to execute! The first move for everyone on this night is to bump into someone at the food table: it’s an easy way to start up a convo, you get to unravel your awesome food pun (“Wow…this cheese isn’t just delicious…it’s Gouda!”) and you gain some insight into whether she’ll be open to a kiss. Does she, in Beyonce’s words, have a ring on it? Does she smile when making eye contact? Does she have a set of lips? This is what’s going on in your head and you think everything is going great…but in reality she hated your joke, doesn’t make eye contact whatsoever and was two seconds away from pepper spraying you until you looked away giving her a chance to sprint in the opposite direction.
11:25 pm. Ok, so the first try didn’t go so well. It’s ok. The Wright brothers went through tons of prototypes before they achieved flight. Actors routinely need to have multiple takes in order to get everything perfect. Lingerie places went through all sorts of research and development to cut costs before inventing crotchless panties to save on material. Just refocus and get in the game. You can’t go back to the food table, but there is another place where you can drum up conversation…
11:30 pm. The bathroom line! Every girl there has to wait for something and would love to talk if not just to keep their mind off their full bladder. You saunter over to the line and drum up a conversation with a good looking girl leaning against the wall. She seems into you, but she’s not doing a lot of talking and is just bobbing her head up and down. What’s wrong with this chick? Doesn’t she know human interaction is a two way street? It’s looks like she needs to…
11:34 pm. And she vomits on you. Guess that’s why she was in line. Great.
11:37 pm. You throw away the puke-infused shirt and root around in the nearest bedroom for a suitable replacement. Unfortunately this party is at a female apartment so instead of finding a polo shirt that fits you you’re stuck with either a sundress or the oversized T-shirt she wears to bed that has a picture of a kitten wearing overalls.
11:40 pm. With your new buddy Farm Kitty firmly planted on your chest you come to the realization that you aren’t going to find a girl to kiss and you’re stuck with another year of loneliness, eating whole frozen pizzas for breakfast and arguing with your credit card company that your subscription to Trailer Park Hussies should be for $15.99 and not $16.17. There’s no point in trying to make an effort anymore. You might as well just start throwing shots back and get drunk enough to make awkward comments involving Ryan Seacrest and what he likes to do with a roll of frozen cookie dough and a portly Asian man named Fukamana.
11:53 pm. After downing seven shots with a man wearing a lampshade you decide something…this kiss can still happen! You’re determined! You’re confident! You’re barely able to stand up! It’s time to be the man no guy wants to be on New Year’s…Captain Desperation.
11:56 pm. Captain Desperation is on the prowl. He’s frantically running around the apartment making eye contact with every woman possible trying to find someone who doesn’t quickly look away in disgust so he can lock lips. He’s using every line he can think of: “You’re pretty…wanna make out?”, “My lips are cold…can you warm them up with yours?”, “I lost my keys…can I search for them in your mouth with my tongue?” As expected Captain Desperation strikes out once again.
11:59 pm. The champagne is poured. All eyes are on the TV for the ball drop…except for yours which are alternating between rolling in the back of your head and staring at the ass of a girl whose boyfriend is giving you the death stare. The one goal you had for the night is out the window.
30 seconds to midnight. It’s so simple!
25 seconds. Just kiss a girl!
20 seconds. You’ve done it eight times before! You’re like a young Ron Jeremy with that many kisses.
15 seconds. You’ve failed and you’re by yourself.
10 seconds. It’s just you…
9. And the dog…
8. Who is a female…
7. No!…
6. You wouldn’t…
5. But it’s for good luck…
4. Their mouths are cleaner than ours…
3. But it’s not a human…
2. Better not do it…
1. It’s not worth it…
12:00 am of the new year. And now you know what Alpo tastes like.
Happy New Year everybody!
