Greetings to everyone out there who follow this blog regularly, tune in occasionally while their porn is buffering and those who are waiting for me to finally do some upskirt pics of myself to help them suppress their appetite as a form of diet.
I know it has been awhile since my last post. I had things get in the way like holiday shopping, being sick a week, continuing unsuccessfully in my quest to perfect a way to deep fry Sailor Jerry’s and attempting to start jogging only to hurt my lower back like a 50 year-old man…just peachy.
Anywho I now have another issue in my life that is getting in the way, but in a really, really good way: my father has bought me seasons 1-5 of Dexter on DVD for Christmas. I’ve only seen seasons six and seven on Showtime. Needless to say in the time I’m not spending at work, writing here, sleeping jacking i…helping nuns cross the street…yeah…I am mesmerized by a fantastic show. I just changed discs so I figured this is the best chance for me to get a post in while the hypnotic trance is off, so here it goes:
Being a man is awesome. You get to watch sports in your own filth, eat deep fried cheese while chugging beer, pee in public without fear of soiling your undies or having to be in the most vulnerable position of squatting (seriously…I can whip this humongous…ok, superb…ok, average…ok, presentable…ok, my infantile member out anywhere…it’s great) and as soon as you turn 50 once a year you get a doctor to put a finger up your…ok that’s not so great…anywho, being a man rocks.
The beauty of a man’s mind is that it is constantly working. Granted the work that’s being done between the ears isn’t going to change the world 99.999993% of the time (I don’t think we can cure cancer by imagining Eva Mendes and Jennie Finch making out during a pillowfight…but it couldn’t hurt, damnit!), but there’s something always happening. I also know with 100% certainty of something that every man is thinking of 100% of the time…and I’m going to share it with you right now.
There are three lists that men keep track of in their head in every social situation: The 3 “F***!” Lists: “F*** yeah!” for women, “F*** you!” for men and “Oh, f***!” for disasters. Allow me to provide some basics for the lists:
These lists are when men are by themselves in a setting when they don’t know other men. If other men are with them these three lists get talked about vocally as a sign of camaraderie and friendship. Places like in line at the bank, at work in a cubicle or sitting on a bus or in class is where it works best.
These lists never are used during family functions with family members, however the man in question may make some lists based on people a certain family member knows like a cousin, sister or in rare cases grandma who knows a certain GILF you saw in water aerobics bending down to get her noseplug and let you see down her one piece to her glorious boo…um…ignore that…anyway….
These lists are also never used on friends, except “Oh, f***!”. You know the people in the room, like them and know their status in terms of relationships and where they fit into your life. If you involve friends in the “F*** yeah!” or “F*** you!”…you have issues that may/may not require attaching two cattle prods to your nipples while your ass is put in honey and sat on a hill of fire ants…it’s the only way I learn things.
Another point for the girlfriends reading this: it’s only single guys who think this. Don’t get mad at your boyfriend because you think he’s doing this…he’s not. He loves you very much and would never do anything so vile or disgusting inside his head because your his #1 princess…………is….is she gone?….did she buy it?…….YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!! (High fives all around)….IT WORKED!!!!!!…uh-oh…that wasn’t supposed to be typed…………….oops…….
The most important part is that there is an infinite number of sub-lists under one of the main three lists. It’s all about creativity, how much time you have and what your current mood is. Also it is not uncommon to merge all lists into one amazing event. That hat trick, albeit rare due to the amount of time needed, is an accomplishment huge enough at huge moments like in wedding vows or gravestones.
Now that I’ve laid out the base…let’s get f***ing!…oh, and ladies…feel free to do this, too if you already don’t…
#1 “F*** yeah!”
The “F*** yeah!” list is simple…it’s about making sweet, sweet (and on most occasions dirty, unspeakable) love to women in the room. However it goes much deeper than that.
The most common sub-list is “Who do I want to do the most?” It’s the simplest one…whoever the man in question deems to be the hottest is the answer. He then ranks #2, 3…and so on and so forth.
The most practical one question is “Who would be most likely to do me?” This one takes into account looks, any glances you may have shared and whether or not she’s in your league. The hottest girl rarely wins this distinction unless the man in question is at a female prison and the only good looking one there has a conjugal visit set up for whoever’s in her eyesight first.
Another sub-list is “Who wants to do me?” In theory it’s essentially the hottest girl list upside down. Of course that’s not the truth…but this is in our head, damnit!
From these three sub-lists comes the creativity portion. Where’s the safest place to have sex and not get caught? What kind of sex would each girl be willing to do? Who would be willing to have a threesome? Who is a fan of role playing? What type of role playing? Who wants to be spanked?…and so on and so forth.
As you can see a man can spend hours upon hours staring into space debating which woman would do him with everyone watching: the brunette from accounting or the blond secretary near the window? The thing is…this is just one of the three lists.
#2 “F*** you!”
This list is all about fighting other men in the area. I’m not saying we’re trying to pick a fight or anything, but if something were to go down at least you’d have an idea of what to expect. One more thing: this list is for when they attack first. Whether it be they said something or started swinging…it’s always their fault. Nobody wants to be the instigator…that’s not cool.
The common sub-list is “Who can I beat up?” It’s a quick ego boost because you can easily spot the people who are the scrawniest of the setting and you get a good lark from imagining the nerd with a Superman backpack at age 35 to run at you at full speed wanting to punch you with his toothpick of an arm and you exhaling on him sending him flying across the room.
The next thing that needs to be done is “Who can beat me up?” This is another thing that can be sized up quick because inside most males heads…no one can touch them. We’re invincible and can kick anyone’s ass!!!!!…not me, though. I see a guy who works out three hours a day and is one arm flex from ripping through is shirt and imagine him running at me and I always pee a little when I think it…yeah, that guy can kick my ass.
Here’s where the creativity sets in: “What can I use to even the playing field against the guy who’s bigger than me?” Whether it be tactics (I always think either swift kick to his groin or hurling feces at his face…it all depends on what I had for dinner last night) or objects laying around (coffee mugs, lamps, your own teeth after he punches you…whatever works) you just want to have a fighting chance.
We’ve covered women and men…but what about something that’s neither?
#3 “Oh, f***!”
This list has the most amount of sub-lists because it’s all about disasters. It’s everything that happens out of nowhere. Anything and everything a man can’t control is here and his goal for this list…survival (ok, that was cheezy, but…you want to live, don’t you?)
The most common is obvious…zombie attacks. Every man is always thinking about what to do if zombies became the walking undead and started eating the flesh of the living. Most plans involve the same idea: arm yourself with a blunt/sharp instrument to bash their heads in, get the top of your hottest girl list to come for sexy procreation, convince the guy most likely to kick your ass to follow you or die so you have more manpower and be sure of all windows, stairwells and exit points so you know where to go when it hits the fan…and it will.
Another example would be terrorist attack. This is the most entertaining one because every guy imagining a terrorist attack scenario thinks of the same thing…Die Hard. Just do what John McClain did and you’ll be fine. It’s just a matter of rewatching the whole movie in your head scene for scene (if you’re a true American male this is possible)…duh!
Sure there are practical scenarios that should be thought of like fires, tornadoes or if someone rips a deadly fart that creates an acid cloud that burns skin…but those aren’t as fun as zombies and Die Hard! Everyone should know what to do during these scenarios: for fire run outside as fast as you can, for tornadoes get in a basement or stairwell and for deadly acid cloud farts rip a vinegar cloud fart so the vinegar can neutralize the acid…it’s simple science, people!
So ladies next time you see a guy spacing out with an sexual/intense/thoughtful look on his face you’ll know he wasn’t thinking about nothing…he could be saving your life!…or wanting to punch the busboy…or mounting the cougar to his left and covering her in marinara sauce.
Whatever it is be sure to know he is always thinking about one of these lists…or maybe it’s just me…yeah it’s probably just me…man I’m weird…oh, well…
Good night!
