“It’s just sports.”
This is a line that has been uttered throughout time by parents, girlfriends and misguided men. The target for this line is the fan whose team just lost a game. And not just losing the game, but it was how the loss happened. The team lost a game they should have won, the team got blown out of the water or the team got bounced out of the playoffs.
The fan in question does one of three things when hearing this line:
- Ignore the statement completely, stares straight ahead and wishes whoever caused the loss fall into a pit of lava and dirty syringes.
- Yell something in response like “F*** you!”, “Shut the f*** up!” or “I politely disagree with your opinion and respond by hoping you be violated by a humpback whale in your eye socket…f***!”
- Vomit on their chest and move the puke around like a sick form of finger painting.
What we sports fans want you non-sports people to know is that we will be fine. Our mood is a result of the gut punch game. We will be sour for two to three days until the depression wears off and we get back to normal. The thing is…you shouldn’t be judging us! Gut punches are a part of everyone’s life at some point or another. We just request the same treatment as the other gut punches people run across.
Here are other gut punches that happen in life to humans (or some animals):
Women who have a late period. Now I’m not talking about the time from when the period should happen and when it finally comes. That has to be pure terror being faced with the prospect of having a baby when you’re not ready is horrible. I’m talking about the time after the period happens. Once the period hits and you know you aren’t in real trouble…that’s when the gut punch kicks in.
It becomes a few days of reflection and asking questions about where life is for you that you almost were impregnated by a one night stand who called himself “The Grand Poobah” and his penis “The Grandest Poobah” even though in bed he was “The 15-Second Pooblah”. Women who deal with this have to be walking around in a haze that only time will heal. It’s just as bad as losing a sports game…right?…ok, even I can’t talk myself into this one…this is way worse…but losing sports still sucks, ok!?!?
Men who can’t get it up. It’s something you’ve been doing since you were 13. You got a chubby every time a girl got near it. You could a stiff plank by walking by a Victoria’s Secret. Hell, you get a hot rod just by waking up…and now you can’t get one!?!? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is definitely a gut punch. Essentially you aren’t a man if you can’t get a beefy frank. This gut punch lasts for days upon days…until the Viagra gets sent…then it’s all hands on dick…I mean deck.
Sleeping with an unattractive person. For those of you who haven’t had to deal with this…you’re lucky. This gut punch can have ramifications well beyond the healing is over.
The original gut punch is waking up the next morning to see this supposed female in the bed next to you. After the bout of dry heaving and taking a shower in acid to rid yourself of what just happened you go into a haze for a few days. Why did I do that? Did anyone I know see me do this? How did I get a key to the zoo so I could sleep with this ostrich?
Where you keep reopening the scab is if you see this person over and over. Maybe it’s a friend of a friend who comes around on the weekends. Maybe it’s a family members roommate and your family member will constantly mock you for it. Maybe it’s the toothless woman who stands near your dumpster waiting for someone drunk and stupid like you to come by and give her a warm place to do her crack.
The point is this gut punch sucks…or so I’ve heard…I’ve never…dealt…with…thi…thi…moving on…
Bad haircut. Everyone’s had one. You sit down, feel a little frisky and let the stylist decide what haircut they think would make you look the best. Their eyes light up and say “I have just the look for you!” During the cut you get a little freaked out by how much hair is being loped off and why she’s using a blowtorch at a barbershop, but you still trust her because it’s what they do for a living. She says “Voila!” and spins you around. When you look in the mirror and see what looks exactly like curled up pile of s*** on your head…the gut punch starts and won’t go away until you can find a hat to wear or a competent barber will help you with the monstrosity that sits on your head. Most likely though…you’re going into a funk for two weeks until that bad boy grows out.
Catching your parents in the act. That’s one good thing when parents divorce when you’re 10…less time to see this abomination of fornication. To those of you who have seen it…you have my never-ending sympathy and frankly I’m surprised you can still be aroused about anything and that you aren’t blind. Hats off to you.
Speeding tickets. The first reaction is anger at the cop because you weren’t the only one speeding, how come they aren’t fixing real crime and why didn’t he rip up the ticket even though I let him stare directly at my cleavage for 15 minutes. The gut punch happens when you first get home until you finally pay the ticket. You become sad you get points on your record, sad you have to pay $175 and sad that your cleavage didn’t faze the cop one bit.
All around just bad times.
Kid under the age of eight being told there’s no Santa Claus. I can safely assume that no kid under eight is reading this blog because if he is I’m not paying for his therapy. Anyway I know kids are happy-go-lucky most of the time, but if you let a five year-old know there’s no Santa…they will be crushed. That’s the biggest gut punch a kid can get other than a wedgie or peeing their pants in class. To know that something you believed in for years upon years of life was a fraud and your parents lied to you…you can’t shake that gut punch easy.
Luckily I avoided this. My parents let me believe Santa was real until I was 16…that’s healthy, right?
Dog put in kennel. Even man’s best friend can get in on the act. Have you ever gone on vacation and didn’t have anyone to watch your dog so you put them in a kennel? When you get back from vacation and pick them up, the dog is pissed at you. Why would you leave them like that? Don’t you love them at all? WHY????…and then you give them a doggy treat and all is forgiven.
As I have just laid out there are plenty of equivalent gut punches in real life that mirror having your sports team lose. Now if you excuse me I’m going to get in the bath, listen to emo rock, drink a bottle of Cabernet and cry myself to sleep over yesterday’s Chicago Bears game….WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
