Gluttony, lust, envy, sloth, pride, greed and wrath.  When put together what do they mean?  A bitching weekend?  A Tuesday night in Amsterdam?  What happens behind the scenes at church potlucks after the casseroles and pickled beets are eaten?

Of course these are the seven deadly sins.  Many people only know these from the movie Se7en where a guy everybody with genitalia wants to sleep with named Brad Pitt and a lovely elderly lady named Morgan Freeman play detectives that try and catch a serial killer who murders people who perform one of the seven deadly sins.

This got me to thinking…what about loopholes for each “sin”?  There are loopholes for everything in life.  Corporations have loopholes to not pay taxes.  Lawyers find loopholes to get their client’s innocence.  Elementary schoolers have “circle, circle, dot, dot” as a loophole to avoid cooties.  Where are the loopholes for sinning?

Before I become smote by God and sent to Hell where I’ll endure my Levels of Hell for all eternity here are the loopholes I found that makes any of the seven sins ok:

Gluttony

• Free Olive Garden.  At my work people were recently promoted to a senior level position.  I could have gotten it, but meant I had to use more than 1/10 of my ass and that wasn’t happening.  After their congratulatory free catered Olive Garden lunch was over they left a whole pan of fettuccine alfredo sitting in the break room.  I’m sure common decency is to eat one plate and move on, but I took five plates of this deliciousness, fought through the heartburn brought on after plate two and stuffed myself so full of premium Italian food I swear I farted a whole clove of garlic.  The point here: free food=115% full belly.
• Edible underwear.  Not necessarily for the flavor, but because you have to.  It doesn’t matter if you ate 18” of hoagie; if your girlfriend/friend with benefits/GILF comes out wearing nothing but a cherry lingerie number…you gotta eat it.  Just pray it doesn’t come in a thong.
• Leftover steakhouse.  As a true red-blooded American who’s sure to die at 27 from a massive heart attack from four clogged arteries and a mouthful of beef jerky…no steak should EVER go uneaten.  It doesn’t matter if you’re with two people or 20 people; if someone doesn’t finish their steak it is your duty to demolish the rest of it.  You may not have a bowel movement for 18 days…but damnit it was delicious!
• College.  You’re broke.  You’re drunk.  You’re hungry.  24 packets of Ramen noodles in an empty beer case to avoid the three month old dirty dishes is totally acceptable (bonus points if you just slurp the noodles down without utensils).  Other facets of college to be an acceptable glutton are dining halls, free pizza at a stupid club you’ll never join, popcorn at a bar and the apartment of your one night stand.
• Thanksgiving.  If you don’t unbutton your pants, take a nap or gag your family members the oddly intoxicating smell you left in the bathroom…you’re not doing Thanksgiving right.
• Hot dog eating contests.  Nothing says acceptable gluttony like putting 50 wieners in your mouth.  Just ask Joey Chestnut, Kobayashi and Jenna Jameson.
• Buffets.  There is endless food.  I repeat…THERE’S ENDLESS F***ING FOOD!!! 

Lust

• Booty calls.  The reason God rested on the seventh day of creating Earth was because he was up until 5 am trying to get women over for them to, in his words, “part your pink sea”.
• Friends with benefits.  The extended version of the booty call.  This is the dream of every male in college.  “You mean I get to hang out and get drunk with my friends until the bars close then I text you to come over and have sex then you leave in the morning without me spending any time, money or emotion on you?  AWESOME!!!”
• College.  See above.
• Celebrity nudity.  It’s something we don’t think about on a daily basis, but it’s something inside all of us.  I don’t think about it, for sure, but if there was a movie that just came out that had Jessica Biel doing a full-frontal scene…I would push a sick orphan out of the way to see it…ok not a sick orphan…a normal orphan…ok not an orphan period…how about an elderly nun?…no, too fragile…my own mother?…nah…she cooks me food…well I’d push something out of the way that’s between a sick orphan and a one legged fat man tying his shoe.
• Threesomes.  It’s Man Law: If a chance for threesome be…try your best for manage a three.  It could be Woman Law, too…I just know Col. Clink isn’t a fan of other soldiers diving in the foxhole with him.
• Retirement home.  Why not?  You’re nearing the end of your life.  Go out with a bang!…then another bang….and another…and another…HI-OH!

Envy

• Millionaires.  I want to be one!
• Billionaires.  I REALLY want to be one!
• Athletes and rock stars.  I REALLY REALLY want to be one!
• Aqua car owners.  I want one!
• Cartwheelers.  I want to be able to do one!
• Flo (The Progressive Woman)’s husband.  I want to do her once!
• Playboy photographer.  I want to trick ditzy, slutty girls I am one!
• Whittlers……………I just want to know how.

Sloth

• Hangovers.  Have you ever had one of these?  They’re just awful!  I guess that’s the price you pay to get really drunk and run around the bar naked with a road cone on your head while everyone serenades you with “It’s A Small World After All” as they point at your unit that has been Sharpied to look like it’s winking at everyone.  (Note to parents: This never happened to me…kinda sad I have to mention this…oh well.)
• Football Sundays.  I’m sorry, but when there’s 11 hours of NFL action on my television involving my stocks (i.e. fantasy teams) you bet your ass I’m plopping on the couch in my sweatpants and not leaving until Al Michaels gives me a farewell soul-sucking stare that makes me wet the bed.
• Weather.   If it’s raining/snowing/scorching outside…I’m staying indoors.  Essentially the only temperature that is acceptable for me to play outside is between 68-72 degrees, partly cloudy, a 5-10 MPH breeze and a promise that I will see a hot girl in a bikini at some point.  Otherwise…no dice!
• No pants.  It’s Newton’s 3rd Law applied to a real life situation.  For every action (taking off pants) there’s an equal and opposite reaction (laying down with hand in underwear).  It’s just science.
• College.  Let’s breakdown the 24 hours of a day.  Eight hours of sleep.  Two hours of class (can be skipped to gain time).  Four hours of work.  That leaves 10 hours of…something.  This is where great minds do their real work…drinking beer and finding new ways to ingest it!  WOO!!!
• After gluttony and lust.  After you eat and skeet you gotta have sleep!…I’m like a dirty Dr. Seuss.

Pride

• Men with long penises.  You have a long penis…brag about it!  If this was me I would refuse to wear pants.  I’d be walking down the street naked, a cop would see me, start screaming “HEY!  You better have a good reason to be nak…oh, wow…I understand, sir…carry on!”  In job interviews I wouldn’t have a resume.  I’d just have a blank sheet of paper, put it on the desk and flop my penis on the paper.  Sadly for everyone out there I am not well endowed…I’m slighly, maybe, fully undowed.
• Whatever is the female equivalent to the above.  I don’t know and I don’t want to guess because I just admitted in the last point I’m not hung so if I want to find a wife I can’t anger any women by picking something that doesn’t go over well.
• Drinking games.  You win: you can boast about it until the next game starts and you’re getting drunk.  You lose: you get drunk faster.  You can take pride in both outcomes!
• Quitting a crappy job.  You can take all the pride in the world if you get to quit a job you hate for a better one.  On your last day you do anything you want to do.  Flip off your boss.  Yell obscenities at people you don’t like.  Fart in the coffee maker.  Set your HR rep’s hair on fire.  Throw your computer off the roof on top of the CEO’s car.  Anything goes on your last day!…huh?…what?…laws still apply?…you could be sued?…really?…are you sure?…I thought it was like an amnesty or someone yelling “Sanctuary!” in a church sort of thing and you can’t be touched…it’s not?…I’m an idiot?…fair enough.
• Oregon Trail.  If you get the highest score ever in the computer game Oregon Trail you can brag about it to ANYONE and they can’t do a thing.  In my book you’re the King of the World.
• College.  You’re in college!  WOO!!!

Greed

• College?  Hmmm…not a chance to go overboard with money in college…I’m sure it’s there somewhere…you can do whatever you want in college!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!
• Monopoly.  The mascot of the game is Rich Uncle Moneybags, the goal is to bankrupt every one of your opponents and getting second place in a beauty contest gets you $10!  Hell yeah greed is good!
• Gambling.   I don’t know about you guys, but when I play poker I want everything on the table.  The chips, the cards, the hearts of other players…I want it all!
• Open bars.  If you don’t double fist at an open bar before it closes you’re not doing it right.  If there’s five minutes before the bar closes and I only have one rum and diet in front of me, you’re damn right I’m sprinting to the bar and throwing ‘bows at every man, woman, child, dog and coat racks that are in my way until I get two more, drink them, then wonder in the morning what happened and why there’s a pair of dentures stuck to my elbow.
• Free stuff.  What beats paying anything for something?  Not paying anything for anything!  It doesn’t matter if they’re giving out free tampons…they’re free!  I’m sure I can find a use for it like using it as a towel, dangling it in front of a kitten or simply using it in my vag…uh…vag…vag…us nerve…yeah!…my vagus nerve!…the longest of the cranial nerves…duh!…tampons are great for that…whew!…thanks, Google for that save…uh-oh…probably should stop typing my thoughts………………

Wrath

• Dickface Brady.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• State up north.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• A stuck car door.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Trying to understand art.  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Samsung cell phones.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Playing paintball.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Stubbed toes.  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Old Speckled Hen.  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Losing the remote.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Constipation.  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Diarrhea.  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And finally…

• Getting hit by a lightning bolt from God for trying to find exceptions to every deadly sin.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!