Dear William Grant & Sons:
There are three things I love in this world:
- Sports
- Boobies
- Sailor Jerry’s
Sure there are things like family that should be in my list, but honestly I enjoy mixing everything I love to have a great time and if family and boobies were in the same night there’s not enough therapy or battery acid in the world to undo seeing Aunt Milly starring in “Octogenarians Gone Wild”.
Anyway I wanted to write something explaining just how much I love Sailor Jerry’s. When people come over to my place and see me enjoying this interesting looking bottle they always ask the same thing: “Bryan for the love of God put some pants on.” And once I reluctantly do there’s always a follow-up: “Bryan what is that rum you’re drinking?” This is when I get to weave them the tale of how awesome Sailor Jerry’s rum is.
It all started at a Kroger’s liquor aisle in 2008. I was a handsome…ok, dashing…ok, mildly attractive…ok, presentable…ok, lesbian-creating 21-year-old Ohio State University junior and the weekend was at hand. I was perusing the rum aisle for something new. I had just gotten a big paycheck from work ($48!) and wanted to step up in class because drinking fermented dog urine (Admiral Nelson), and his younger inbred cousin/lover (Lady Bligh) just wouldn’t cut it. I was browsing the options when…
“Looking for something in particular?”
I instantly grabbed my rape whistle and was about to start bitch slapping someone until I whirred around to see a Kroger’s employee standing there. He had this radiant glow about him. Something told me this man was special. That this man was a leader…nay…a God. That’s right…
He had a sweet mustache.
I stammered upon seeing him: “Uh…um…I like booze!”
Mustache laughed at me: “Ha! I see. You know what you should try?”
“What?” I asked, my knees quivering in fear and a bit of odd arousal.
“Sailor Jerry’s.” The words flowed from Mustache like a whimsical symphony that weaved a web of laughter with friends, spectacular times and college girls yearning to be with me instead of throwing up in their mouths…and just like that he was gone…to the adjacent aisle so he wouldn’t have to stare at the awkward erection I was having as I daydreamed in the afternoon of a grocery store booze section.
I gathered my thoughts, tucked my 4” of man away, bought a handle of Sailor Jerry’s and drove back to campus with hopes of an amazing night ahead of me.
Later that night I was standing in my kitchen getting ready to pour the first Sailor Jerry’s cocktail of the night. I’m a simple man with simple desires so I made a simple cocktail: Cup. Ice. Sailor Jerry’s. Cola. Super bendy straw. Two parasols. Latest edition of Teen People. After I applied some cocoa butter on the stretch marks on my lovehandles I sat down to have the first sip of this new rum. I took a drink and…
Magic happened. The first wave of flavor hit my taste buds and sent them dancing with delight. My throat sung its praises of Sailor Jerry’s by emoting a tender, window-rattling belch out. My liver was thinking “F***ing sh#&! GIVE ME A BREAK, MAN! WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?! I’M A VITAL ORGAN!!! STOP MAKING ME PURIFY YOUR SH@$&% ALCO…whoa! This is good! MORE MORE MORE!!!”
And from that point on…a love was born.
This love lasted all senior year including the Michigan game, my birthday, Let’s Get Drunk Tuesdays, Class Is For Stupids! Wednesdays, I Don’t Have Class Tomorrow Thursdays, Why Do I Keep Doing This To Myself Friday mornings, Oh That’s Right It’s College Friday nights, Who’s This Ugly Chick Saturdays and finally No, Really, Why Is There Another Ugly Chick And Now A Homeless Man In My Bed Sundays…great times.
Now it’s three years later and this love is still strong. It has lasted longer than any romantic relationship I’ve ever had. I bet I’ve kissed the hula girl on the bottle more times than a real live female…wait, what?…why would I kiss a fake hula girl on a rum bottle…whose hips won’t stop…that come hither look…the fact she has rum inside her…(MUAH!)…oops…I did it again.
Anyway everyone who knows me knows I love Sailor Jerry’s rum. People send picture messages to me of Sailor Jerry ads they see in liquor stores. I’ve had bartenders save a special bottle of Sailor Jerry’s for me after they ran out of their stock. My dad even buys me a handle of Sailor Jerry’s every Christmas. When he asks me in April “is your handle done yet?” I reply “Nope…barely touched,” and secretly think “since I killed it December 29th.”
I have spread the gospel to my friends. Whenever someone tells me about what they like to drink I impatiently cut them off, slap them in the face and yell “DRINK SAILOR JERRY’S IT’S AWESOME!!!” After I settle their lawsuit for assault we sign over my next ten paychecks to them over a glass and they always say “Mmm…you’re right, this is good.”
It’s not just the rum that has me in love with Sailor Jerry’s…it’s Sailor Jerry himself. The story of Norman Collins on the bottle made me want to learn more about this Navy man who tattooed thousands of military men at his tattoo shop with his unique artwork. After learning more about this American hero and what he believed in I knew I picked the right rum. I’m not a tattoo guy, but if I ever do get one, a Norman Collins specialty is third on my list behind a bear eating a gyro on my lower back and Betty White making out with Mr. Met on my inner left thigh.
The love for Sailor Jerry’s was strong in the beginning, is going strong now and I know will still be strong in the future. I don’t know if I will ever be married, but if I find a girl desperate enough to find me husband material there will be two requests that must be honored for me and the rest will is between her and the bobblehead known as me agreeing with everything she says: 1. Sailor Jerry’s will be fully stocked as the only rum at the bar. 2. “Thong Song” by Sisqo is our first dance.
In conclusion I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your rum like a giddy 12 year old boy writing a love note to a girl: right a long, rambling letter that would lead to her showing her friends and him peeing his pants in math class from embarrassment.
I thoroughly enjoy your product and look forward to many future memorable, forgettable and kinda-sorta-don’t-remember..able nights ahead.
Cheers,
Bryan Fraker
