My apologies to everyone for again taking until Friday to get this post out. I had to comment on Penn State’s situation on Tuesday, took a six hour nap until 11 pm on Wednesday, went to the Blue Jackets game on Thursday and just now can get to writing the post. As I penalty I will take off my pants and give myself 40 lashes with a two week old loaf of Jimmy John’s bread.
Winners
- Zen followers. I never though the game was out of hand. Down 10-0 in the first quarter. Tied late in the third quarter at 20-20. Indiana driving to tie the score at 27 in the 4th. I found a special center for the game. It was like I was in my happy place…except I was hungover from Friday night and not swimming in a pool of boobies wearing a diamond crusted Speedo while wearing a beer helmet. Having a relaxed attitude is something that will definitely help people get through this season.
- Braxton Miller’s legs. Willis McGahee had his knee insured. Troy Polamalu has his hair insured. Ron Jeremy had his penis insured…maybe. We need to get Miller’s legs insured pronto. However, since he won’t be able to collect money as an NCAA athlete, I figure if (God forbid) he gets hurt Progressive should give us 21 points for every game he’s not out…or one no holds barred night with Flo…I’m good either way (Hey! Don’t judge me! Someone finds the way she takes insurance head on and bright red, pouty lips that she’s like a sexy rodeo clown…shut up!)
- Buckeye Guy. Every time I see this guy on TV or at a home game…I smile. The guy just looks like an awesome guy to hang out with. The cowboy hat. The white cape. The OSU flair all over his clothes. The convertible painted like a Buckeye helmet. The finger guns he gives the TV camera. I’m not gay, but if I were and I were looking for an interracial nude frolic through a meadow with a guy who looks like a pro wrestler…he’s #2 on that list behind Booker T.
- Bar Crawls. Last Saturday a group of friends and I took part in a golf related bar crawl. It was Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes. Guys dressed like douchy golf pros while the women dressed up as sexy tennis players. We started at 5:45 pm. It ended when I woke up the next morning in a daze wondering what happened. Here’s the card we used. It’s supposed to be full:
Front
Back (Rules)
If you’ve never done one I HIGHLY recommend it. It will be an absolute blurst (a blast that’s a blur).
- Flip cup with adults. Something else I did last Friday was play flip cup with adults for the first time ever. And let me tell you…it’s a riot. They get into it as much as the younger crowd does and you can just see in their eyes reminiscing about the days of yore when they would play drinking games with their friends. At first their clueless how to play and flip the cups, but eventually they get the hang of it. Nothing says fun quite like a balding, gray haired man scream out loud in victory. Priceless.
Losers
- Offensive line. Giving up six sacks to a team that’s 1-8? What?!?!? I know it’s kinda tough when Braxton has the ability to run and you’re never sure where he’ll be…but six sacks to Indiana? That’s not gonna cut it.
- “Failure to monitor”. F**********************K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Big Ten Network audio. I don’t know if other people had this problem, but for the entire first half the audio was half a second behind the video for our apartment TV. It wasn’t a big deal during the football action, but whenever they showed the announcer’s booth, someone kicked the ball or a coach swore on the sidelines…it never sounded right.
- Indiana’s band attractiveness. I wasn’t sure if that was a human playing an instrument in their band or if Gollum infiltrated their ranks because his precious was buried under the 50 yard line. On a scale of 1-10 they were throw acid in my eyes. I know this sounds mean, but…it’s just true! I’m sorry! I can’t help that whenever they spanned the band I fought back vomit and yelled an audible “Oh God!” It’s good to see that IU is getting extra cash by hiring circus freaks for their woodwind section. I’ve heard of people’s faces being able to cut rock, but these faces could stop bullets. I think my penis actually tried to hang itself…luckily there wasn’t enough slack to tie the knot………..um……ignore that.
And here we are…the S*** List. This week’s winner would be Girls Who Don’t Kiss Cheeks. On the bar crawl your team would get -3 every time a stranger kissed a member of your team. It’s very simple…just a peck on the cheek works. That’s all! They do it in Europe to say hello! The girls had no problem having guys plant a fresh one on their cheek…but girls can be so uptight. At one bar in particular I got shot down by a group of three bartenders…AND A FOURTH ONE THEY BROUGHT OVER JUST SO SHE COULD SAY NO TO MY FACE!!! “Am I that hideous?” I’d ask myself.
Maybe I should join the IU band.
