A happy Halloween to everyone out there.  In honor of this sinniest of sinful nights I figure I’d do something people do towards the jerks who don’t pass out candy: complain.  Here are some of my pet peeves regarding this holiday.

Non-carved pumpkins.  It’s the signature look for every house/apartment on Halloween…the Jack-o-lantern.  It’s a cherished tradition to cut off the top of the pumpkin, scoop out the goo on the inside and make yourself nauseous from the smell that’s like a hybrid smell of aged farts and fermented roadkill.  It brings families closer together as a bonding experience and leads to endless joy for children everywhere.

You know what you do by not carving pumpkins?  You’re killing everyone on the inside.  By just taking a Sharpie you are telling the world that you don’t care about fun, wish that everyone go to Hell and want the terrorists to win.  The worst carved pumpkin is still better than the best drawn one.  There’s a reason Michelangelo drew on canvas instead of pumpkins…he respected tradition.  Plus if you think the statue of David has small junk as an 18’ statue…imagine an 18” pumpkin.  I’m not saying he’d have an inverted wang, but…

No costume.  I don’t mean in every respect.  Parents going with their kids don’t have to dress up.  I mean people at a Halloween party…why would you go without a costume?  You’re just announcing to everyone there that you’re only there to “scout the talent”, munch on the free food and enjoy complimentary booze.

Not having a costume is like going to a wedding in a sweatsuit, a funeral in a Hawaiian shirt or going to a strip club in a schoolgirl outfit…wait, that works.  Wearing a costume on Halloween is the one time in the year where you can be gross, politically incorrect or somebody totally different than your normal self and it’s socially acceptable…however there are some things to keep in mind when creating a costume.  Allow me to introduce Bryan Fraker’s Three Step Guide to Costumes…not an original name, but shut up:

• Don’t be overly witty.  Everybody’s seen the “serial killer” joke of someone putting a knife in a box of Fruit Loops.  Who thinks you’re funny for your play on words costume?…just you!  If people ask what you are and after you explain it they have a disappointed sigh…crappy costume choice, Einstein.
• Men should not buy packaged costumes.  I am 100% behind this one.  You honestly have no creativity or original ideas in your head that you have to purchase a proctologist outfit called “Seymour Butts” for $50?  This shows no initiative, no ingenuity and a quick way for me to wish it was socially acceptable to throw dog poo in your drink.  Don’t buy the packaged Mario outfit…get suspenders, a red hat, a mustache and create your own spin on it.  People respect you more, you save money and it will ensure no drive-by fecaling.
• Keep the costume size to elbow-length.  Everyone loved the guy who blew up a Facebook page to a size big enough for you to see every detail…but no one loved the 10’ billboard he had to use a pulley system to walk down the street with as he knocks over people, mailboxes and one story buildings.  Yes, we all are amazed by your paper mache Mt. Rushmore, but we’re not amazed by you taking up the whole sidewalk and making it impossible to go around you without jaywalking in the street, getting arrested and spending Halloween in a jail cell with someone who’s dressed as a villain named The Cornholer.

Women aged 18-40 who are single who are greater than or equal to a seven in non-slutty costumes at a bar or Halloween party.  Sorry…I thought this was in the Declaration of Independence, but apparently women are still allowed to not dress slutty when it’s socially acceptable to put on two bar coasters as pasties, make a bikini out of bottle caps and call yourself a bar wench…and everyone will cheer.  What were our forefathers thinking.  Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?  Should have been life, liberty and scantily clad hot women on Halloween.  Duh!

Animal costumes should only be on for three seconds…no more.  Don’t dress up your pets unless it’s for a joke picture!  It doesn’t matter what costume you are…don’t dress up your pets!  No one cares how cute your dog looked in a tutu or if your cats looked adorable in the cop and robber routine.  The pets hate them, you look like you’re anti-social and can’t relate to humans.  Next time you buy an animal costume for your pet just give me the $20 so I can set it on fire, throw it on your shoes and pee on it to put the flames out.  At least then it was a scientific experiment on the relationship between urine and burning Nikes.

Non-drying face paint.  One year I went as the Heisman trophy.  I painted my face in gold body paint…and it would not dry at all.  Anyone who touched me or anything my face touched would result in a gold streak that looked like King Midas wiped his ass on the wall.  I couldn’t scratch my face, lay on a pillow or make out with my then-girlfriend during the costume party.  I know I’m kicking the forefathers when they’re dead and gone, but…really?  Why couldn’t you outlaw this?  Make the fourth amendment in the Bill of Rights no quartering of soldiers or non-drying face paint.  It’s that simple!

That’s all!  Short and to the point, but if you don’t do the annoying things I’ve laid out here I promise you…The Cornholer won’t come calling.