Like the 91.9% of Americans who have jobs (sorry 9.1%…the economy will come around and you can feel like this again): I hate work.
Work’s boring. It’s monotonous. It involves interacting with people who don’t like work either and I’m found forcing myself to puke in the bathroom so I get out of a 10 minute pointless meeting.
But no more! I have come up with the most perfect idea to get rich quick, is guaranteed to work and will leave me with enough money and free time that I can do what I’ve always wanted to do: become the 5,238th most knowledgeable person about hummingbirds in the world. Right now I know they’re birds and they like to hum…which is the same description of Big Bird. Great.
Without further ado I’d like to give everyone the nine step program I have in place to make me incredibly rich and as a warning to anyone trying to steal this idea: I know where to buy a harpoon and I will learn how to use it to hunt you down like the money grubbing, idea stealing, poo-eating shark you are.
1. Create a song about holidays. It’s the perfect setup! Holidays once every year (eight times if you’re Jewish…luckies!) and everyone pays attention to each holiday at least on its day of celebration. I honestly have no idea when Flag Day is…but I’m sure I’ll celebrate.
Hell even fake holidays get made up every five minutes. I don’t know if there’s a Stick a Snickers Bar In Your Pants day, but if there is I’ll be the first one with a brown log in his pants…wait, that came out wrong…so did that…uh-oh.
Anyway the point is that all big holidays have songs to go with them. Monster Mash plays for Halloween, Proud To Be An American plays on the 4th of July, anything with the words drink, drank or drunk gets played on St. Patrick’s Day and Let’s Get It On plays for Valentine’s Day.
That’s where the money is! I just have to pick a holiday that doesn’t have one, but makes sense to have a song. Thanksgiving has everyone too stuffed to play my song, Christmas has 1,345,294 songs already and President’s Day would leave everyone asleep for my three minute verse on James K. Polk and what he did with Mexico. That leaves one holiday:
Arbor Day! Everyone knows what it is, what to do for it and they usually talk about it for a week. Bingo! Next up I needed a way to make it catchy…
2. Include whistling and clapping. These are two simple things that everyone loves in songs. Whistling instantly puts a smile on your face and if you’re one of the people who can’t whistle and have no soul you can always clap. Some of music’s greatest hits have clapping in them. We Will Rock You. Jack and Diane. The Theme Song for the PSA “So You Have The Clap?” It gets people involved and unified in one motion.
Now that I have a holiday and a way to get it catchy there has to be a famous music icon to be in the song so it has instant credibility. Bring in:
3. Rick Astley. “Never gonna give you up/Never gonna let you down/Never gonna run around/And desert you…Never gonna make you cry/Never gonna SAAAAYY good bye/Never gonna tell a like/And hurt you.”
Who hasn’t been Rick Roll’d? And no matter what you were trying to view instead…you can never be mad! “Mila Kunis sex tape? I have to see this!…AHHHHHH!!!…I got Rick Roll’d!………….well played, sir……well played.”
And I’m only having him sing the chorus of his song at the end of a verse leading into my chorus. Speaking of which I need a motto for my song that is simple, rhymes and can be chanted together…
4. “Plant a seed…Grow a tree” Boom! “We got to plant a seed to grow a tree.” There’s the chorus right there! It’s so genius even Dr. Seuss shat in his hat from that line so fine and a heard from a bird he ate his gum made of cu…nevermind
Can you imagine hearing Rick Astley leading into my chorus? That’s a couple of million dollars right there. This song is writing itself by now. I have a holiday, ways to make it catchy, an awesome celebrity cameo and a really easy and memorable chorus…really it’s so easy…hey:
5. Kids sing the chorus. Brilliant! Not only will this song play whenever Arbor Day happens, but because the chorus is so easy I can have kids sing it. This helps create another market the song can tap into…children’s concerts.
There are tons of songs that kids sing to their incredibly bored parents in concerts that involve a variety of topics. D.A.R.E. had a song. Singing about what letters vowels are. Giving a four line verse about how plaque is bad for us. These are all songs that somebody wrote for schools to have them be played whenever the topic is right and they get royalties for it. Perfect!
The kids will have to sing this at all Arbor Day related concerts, plays or random assemblies! Just focusing on the elementary school market there were 24 elementary schools in Westerville, OH alone (my hometown! WOO!!! ‘05!!!). There are at least ten school districts in the Greater Columbus area. That means if I extrapolate this to the whole nation…that’s 4,238,385,984 elementary schools!!!
(Note: The math may be wrong…I went to a public schul…skool…shut up!)
Hey! Speaking about the nation brings me to another idea:
6. America’s awesome! These kids are only 11 years old at oldest and they don’t know a lot of the black eyes America has in its past (i.e. The only thing kids know about Indians and Americans is Thanksgiving and we all were friends and we never did anything to hurt, move or discriminate against them in any way ever!). Also what red-blooded American doesn’t love hearing songs about how great America is (shut up, Communists!)
It’ll be basic stuff like “making a tree makes Uncle Sam happy”, “if you love the red, white and blue then I love you, too” and “one more line before we say goodbye: thanks Seal Team Six for Bin Laden’s eye!” Excellent.
Arbor Day. Love America. Kids singing. “Plant a seed…grow a tree.” It’s all coming together on the song, but there’s something huge that’s missing…
7. A logo. I gotta sell merchandise! I gotta come up with a logo that goes great on T-shirts, mugs, hats, beer pong tables, condoms, squirrels…anything that can be printed on. It’s gotta be instantly recognizable, have the motto at the top, not exclude any gender/race and show what Arbor Day means. Hold on…thinking…thinking…drawing…erasing…drawing…cranking…drawing…cranking while drawing…sleeping…drawing…got it! Here you go:
It’s a guy celebrating the growing of a tree while Mother Nature bends down and nurtures the soil so the tree can grow to its full potential. I see nothing wrong with this picture at all…it’s perfect…
Now that I have the logo down there’s one more thing that needs to be done to garner the maximum exposure for The Arbor Day Song (there’s the title):
8. Have Ellen support it. Oprah had her book club that would create buzz, Ebert and Roper create buzz for movies by thumbs-ups, Howard Stern has porn stars on to create a buzz for his show to every man who enjoys boobies…and Ellen just creates buzz about stuff by having a show.
She loves dancing, making her audience as comfy as possible and here’s the best part…99% of her audience are women and a majority of them are mothers! This is the final part of the plan.
When Ellen plays The Arbor Day Song, starts dancing and encouraging all her viewers to listen to this song…I’ve gotten rich quick. Mothers will demand the PTA of their child’s school to play this song, they’ll have their kids download the song on iTunes and soon enough there will be so many downloads and school concerts done for The Arbor Day Song that by the time I’m 25 there’s only one thing left to do…
9. Take money showers with gorgeous ladies, buy a pro sports team, hook all my friends and family up with whatever they want and live the life people dream of. That’s the stuff.
Oh, yeah. Before I go cash my first $1 billion paycheck I have one thing left to share with you. I got $2 million in advance and bought a tape I heard about while backstage at Ellen…it’s a two hour long sex tape of Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Hope Solo and the really hot girl you wanted to see naked in high school all showering together and doing unspeakable things to each other.
