It’s official: I have no f***ing clue about this team.

One game Ohio State blows the doors off an Ohio team.  Then Ohio State can barely beat an Ohio team.  Then the next game Ohio State can’t do anything right.  Then the nexter game it’s another blowout.  Then the nexterer game the favorite play call was “QB Get Sacked”.   Then the nextererer game Ohio State decides to only play one half and forget how to tackle in the second half.  Then the nexterererer game Ohio State ignores half its offense, but dominates anyway.

That’s it…I’ve had it.  I’m making a bold prediction that will happen this weekend to Ohio State for sure.  Whoever they’re playing they will win 523-522, score 521 straight points in the first quarter, turn the ball over 42 times in the second quarter while giving up 322 points, make the halftime show involve an Elvis impersonator making out with Eli Whitney, sack the opponents 134 times in the third quarter, give up 200 more points in the fourth until the opponent’s QB fumbles the quarterback kneel in the end zone, falls on it and Ohio State wins by getting a safety at the gun.

BOOM!  Take that!…huh?…uh-huh…mmm-hmm…yeah…so you say Ohio State’s on a bye week…mmm-hmm…ok…I should lay off the meds for awhile…yeah…ok…sounds good Dr. Colonel Sanders.

Anyway…onto the Winners & Losers!

Winners

• Ohio State’s running game.  Quite a show put on.  Somewhere Zombie Woody is smiling with the 211 yards rushing…or he just ate a brain…either way’s good.  The return of Dan “Boom…go the NCAA gavels for more suspensions” Herron for 114 yards on 23 carries  was a breath of relatively fresh air.  On one hand it was great he was as sharp as last season, but at the same time Hall and Hyde (more on him later) were doing a great job and are not seniors.  I see it as a way for Herron to show his skills to the NFL, we use his ability for wins and it keeps Hall and Hyde hungry to make themselves better…at least this is what I tell myself.
• Jake Stoneburner.  Cheers to the only man to catch a ball Saturday…and it was for a touchdown.  On the season Stoneburner has 12 catches for six touchdowns.  One of every two catches is the best thing that could happen.  I want those odds in everything I do.  Applying for a job.  Gambling on anything.  Hitting on a girl.  Sleeping with said girl and lasting more than 13 seco…hey, everybody let’s just ignore what I just wrote and move on, shall we?
• John Simon.  This junior defensive tackle is an absolute beast.  He got eight tackles on Saturday, four for loss and two sacks to be the Big Ten Defensive Player of the Week.  He’s been a constant force on defense this season…um…I’d go for a joke here, but upon looking up his stats I saw he could bench press 450 lbs. and squat 700 lbs.  He can bench press two of me!…I mean three…I’m nothing but 150 lbs. of pure muscle, skill and tiny penis…I mean micro-wiener…I mean I’m 215 lbs. of pure wings, beer and hair…um…can we move on?
• Mother Nature.  Somebody decided to bluster on Saturday, didn’t she?  Wind gusts of 30 MPH rocked Memorial Stadium which may have had something to do with the lack of Ohio State passing…or not…how about those journalism skills, eh?  You reading this ESPN?  I can work for you!  I even turned down the vulgarity for this point.  I didn’t make one reference to how Mother Nature’s a woman and the wind that blustered through the game was because she was nagging about playing football instead of raking the leaves or she’s mad because men were ogling Lady Luck and not her or she was making life miserable because she was on her peri…um…ladies, let’s just ignore what I just wrote and move on again, ok?…oh boy…I’m screwed.
• Campus nostalgia.  I had a lot of friends visit their alma maters this weekend for homecoming, so what did I do?  That’s right!…cry in the dark alone.  But to be truthful I visited Ohio State’s campus with some friends.  It was just how I remembered it.  Went to my favorite bar (Out-R-Inn), had $1.50 drinks all game, the upstairs smelled of urine…it was awesome!  Had some great times in that place…at least the 25% I remember I had fun…uh-oh…let’s just move on present/future employers, interventionists and family members who judge me, alright?

Losers

• Dominic Clarke and Carlos Hyde.  Clarke is on this list because he got into some sort of brew-ha-ha at the Ohio State dining hall called Marketplace.  For those of you who don’t know Marketplace is the best, most populated dining hall on campus.  It’s adjacent to underclass athletes and near 75% of all freshmen living on campus.  Apparently Clarke was up there with two other athletes firing a “compressed air gun” at people who walked by.  How dumb are you to think that’s a good idea?  You think no one’s gonna see you?  You were caught because people looked out of their dorm room to see you on the roof shooting the gun.  So stupid.  Carlos Hyde was dumb, too, but nearly to the degree Clarke was.  Hyde tweeted after the game Saturday his displeasure about not starting and taking himself elsewhere.  It was taken down, but when it’s sent, it’s sent.  We’ve all made that mistake and I understand Hyde is frustrated with Herron starting snap one and Hyde only getting three mop-up carries for eight yards.  Hyde: you’re fine.  You’re only a freshman.  You’ve proven yourself as a commodity to this football team for years to come.  Take a deep breath and support your team.  I love you…uh-oh…that came out wrong…hey, let’s go to the next thing!
• Ohio State’s passing game.  I know we won the game, the only completion was a touchdown and it wasn’t in the gameplan to throw a lot, but…WAAAH!!!!!!!!!  I WANTED TO SEE BRAXTON THROW THE BALL MORE!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…um…ok…uh…hey future son of mine who I will teach how to act like a man and not cry when you’re 24 years old about something as stupid as not seeing something even though you won, just forget what you just read, ok non-existent person?  Thanks!
• My coolness.  I had a 20 minute conversation with someone else about U.S. Presidents.  And not just “What president was the best?” or “What president would you have a beer with?”…it was “Who’s the most under appreciated president ever?” or “Who screwed up the most?”  I had this debate on a Saturday night…in a bar…with people listening…actually, the hell with it…I had a fun time doing it!  I’d do it again, too!  And as for my coolness…I’ve never had any!  Comes genetic with every Fraker.  Only time I’ve been called cool is when I make it rain on the strippers at Chippendale’s and their wei…..we need to move on, now!

As we reach the end of the post it’s that time again…the S*** List.  This entrant made it’s way onto the list before the Illinois game on that Wednesday at a bar.  People, please, when you’re at karaoke…don’t be Depressing Song Singer/Too Serious Guy. 

When I say DSS I don’t mean any song that’s serious is wrong.  As long as it’s being played on the radio now it’s fair game for karaoke, but if it’s something like Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy” about a kid who committed suicide…don’t sing it!  You bring the energy down, no one listens to you until you stop singing and you get the pity applause that’s more for the fact you stopped than a gauge of how well you did.  People at a karaoke night want fun songs.  Spice Girls “Wannabe”.  Offspring “Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)”.  House of Pain “Jump Around”.  Fun, upbeat songs get people involved and excited to hear you. 

Let’s make karaoke something primo…not emo.