There’s nothing to say.  It’s taken me three days of staring at my computer to finally write this post.

The Miami game was an absolute debacle.  I spent all three hours of the game with my mouth wide open doing one of three things:

1. Yelling at the TV about how woeful Ohio State looked
2. Silently sitting there while I digest what all took place
3. Pouring “self-medication” down my throat at such an alarming pace by halftime I had downed more beer than Ohio State passing yards.

With how bad it truly was in Miami there were some winners to be seen:

Winners

• Jordan Hall.  The junior from Jeanette, PA (new town law: Mention Terrelle Pryor=public horse whipping) had a big game in the first half of his first game.  He finished with 14 rushes for 87 yards, but he showed glimpses of big play potential that is rare for this Buckeye offense.  I know he suffered from cramps during most of the game, but even if he were to have played the whole game it wouldn’t have mattered.  However, it’s good to see there’s a glimpse of hope for a dynamic offensive threat.
• Drew Basil.  Drew: Hey, guys!  Did you see me make my two fields goals I tried? I know they weren’t longer than an extra point, but since we didn’t score any touchdowns I did the best I could.  I told you I could do it!  Guys…guys???  (Dead silence.)  Drew: Well, I had a great game.  Whole bus: SHUT UP!!!  Drew: (pisses pants).
• Miami program.  Even Jacory “Interception” Harris did an ok job.  It was an all around butt-whooping.  Al Golden gets a big win under his belt at home and the media can, at least for a little bit, talk about their win and not the piles of money, hookers and abortions that are plaguing the program for now and the foreseeable future.
• Ben Buchanan.  PRIDE OF WESTERVILLE!!!  HE CAN PUNT THE BALL!!!  YEAY!!!!

And now the longer list:

Losers

• Luke Fickell.  I’m not saying that Fickell is going to be a bad coach in the future.  It’s just that he’s been thrust into a difficult situation.  As I’ve mentioned before the problem here is getting the Ohio State coaching job at such a young age with no experience is just like a 16 year old getting keys to a Lamborghini: there’s a chance he can drive it without crashing, but you’re holding your breath and praying because odds are it’s not coming back in one piece.  There’s a reason why coaches have to prove themselves before they’re given marquee jobs after succeeding at previous locations.  Fickell has stuff to learn.  Examples: timeouts (you never finish a game with no timeouts and you lose…you can’t save them for next game), in game adjustments (playing the QB situation like hot potato?  Not great for psyches) and handling media (please, please, PLEASE don’t openly admit you don’t have a plan for the QB situation…us fans are ignorant to your gameplans…IGNORANCE IS BLISS!!!).  Fickell could still become a great coach, but there’s a reason why most of us don’t marry our first love, practice driving the family car in a church parking lot and don’t use the same moves from losing our virginity ten years after…practice makes perfect.
• QB Situation.  Face it…both looked awful.  However, not since the advent of the forward pass, we can’t just snap the ball to our stable of running backs.  Somebody has to take the ball from center.  Personally I want Bauserman to be the quarterback and here’s why: we’re a running team.  Go back to Woody Hayes three yards and a cloud of dust football, pound the rock 50 times a game and win ugly.  Bauserman has more time in a college system and with the way he has connected with Jake Stoneburner this season he can run the ten play action plays needed to keep defenses honest and hopefully allow the running game to flourish.  Braxton Miller is the future…but the future will wait…until Nebraska when Joe sucks more…and my plan sucks…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Wide Receivers.  ZERO CATCHES BY A WIDE RECEIVER!!!  MILLIONS UPON MILLION OF DROPS!!!  NO SEPARATION FROM CORNERBACKS AGAINST MIAMI!!!  The quarterback will always get too much credit/too much blame.  How the hell can there be a 60 minute game with NO CATCHES BY RECEIVERS!!!  And it doesn’t matter if Bauserman, Miller or Brett Favre’s penis throwing to people…if their hands are made of stone it doesn’t matter.  Nothing will make a QB think twice about throwing the ball like lots of drops early in the game.  Maybe if Javier Posey wasn’t suspended and Cris Carter’s son went to A COUPLE classes it would be a different story, but you know the saying: no use crying over premature spillage…wait, what?
• Defense.  Zero sacks.  Allowed touchdowns on first two possessions.  Gave up 240 yards rushing.  Miami went 8-15 on third down and had scoring drives of 10, 11 and 14 plays.  These are the Silver Bullets, but this defense is far off right now.  Team speed is still an issue.  Granted Nate Williams is banged up, but no one else is stepping up on the pass rush.  At least Andrew Sweat, Etienne Sabino and Dominic Clarke are playing well…but those are 3/11 starters.  This week’s game against Colorado is the last real tune-up before the Big Ten season.  Here’s when people have to step up.

The new gameplan: Woody/Tressel Ball!  Granted that’s not new for the past ten years, but this is what needs to be done.  Run, special teams, defense.  That’s it.  I’m gonna buy Fickell some Woody glasses and a black Block 0 hat for him to really embrace the old school way of doing things.

Now for this week’s winner of being on my S*** List.  This week it’s “The World’s Ending!” Fan.  So we got blown out at Miami on national TV really bad?  Naturally TWEF has the best answer in the world: “Fire everyone!  Fickell sucks!  Hire Bob Stoops!  Bauserman sucks!  Start Miller and have him run the ball every time!  Basil sucks!  Get Mike Nugent back!  Doesn’t Hopalong Cassady have some eligibility left?!?  How come we aren’t scoring over 300 points yet?!?!?  This is Ohio State!  We should never lose a game!  BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!”  I hate you people, we weren’t going undefeated, have some realistic expectations, stop banging your cousins and please, please, PLEASE never call a sports talk show again.  I’m sure there are some aliens/yetis/Bigfoots/morticians/rabid dogs/mental patients/Mark Mays you can talk to about your stupid crap and it make sense, but if you’re around us sane fans: SHUT UP!!!

Now if you excuse me I have to go find Luke Fickell and give him a nice touch of the balls pat on the back to get him ready for Colorado.