February 2012
5 posts
Overrated/Underrated I (6 items)
In an attempt to have a consistent post every week while using almost little extra brain power I will attempt to come up with overrated/underrated from whatever I feel needs to be mentioned. Some are common sense, some are just my opinion, but one thing’s for certain…lists like this are easy to do.
1. Holidays
Overrated: President’s Day. It know it’s a federal holiday,...
Valentine's Day Quiz
Hello all! It’s Valentine’s Day and are you confused if you’re a single man on this day or not? Well, I have the perfect quiz for you to know if you are in fact a man flying solo on this loving-est of loving days! Let’s get going gang!
(And if you’re really good…try to guess what the other people are. Trust me…it’s tough!)
1. What is your...
Pet Peeves: The Gym
Anyone who knows me knows I’m the model of physical fitness…and by model I mean the antithesis of perfect physique. While some men pride themselves on six-packs; I pride myself in polishing off six-packs.
So I know what you all are saying: “Hey, fatty…want this large pizza, fatty?” First off…ouch. Secondly I have gone to the gym before and I’m even...
I Love Eli Manning
I WANT TO OPEN MOUTH KISS ELI MANNING!!!
Sure that’s weird, disgusting and could lead to me being banned from New York until he retires, but that doesn’t stop me believing in a good-old-fashioned Frenching with my new hero.
He defeated the New England Patriots. Twice. In Super Bowls. In thrilling last-second drives. With Dickface Brady on the other sideline (my most hated sports...
Me + Car Repair = 100% Stupid
Let me tell you about a two day ordeal that started with me trying to get a nut off and finished with balls in my mouth.
First off if you laughed at that first line…you’re good people. Your head is in the gutter and I can definitely get along with you guys. If you thought the first line was appalling…you’re good people, too; only this form of good people are innocent...
January 2012
5 posts
Life's Too Short
I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything this week, but unfortunately there’s a reason for this:
Last Friday I got a voicemail from my mom on the way home from work. My Aunt Gretchen (her sister) had her heart stop. She was rushed to the hospital where her heart stopped again. Thankfully doctors were able to get it started again and she has been in deep sedation ever since.
Tests...
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The Awkwardness That Is A Doctor Visit
I just went to the dentist’s office for the first time yesterday since I was an innocent high school student looking to get A’s, apply to colleges and not drool on myself when a girl talked to me. Now it’s seven years later. I’m a depraved 25 year-old man who enjoys C’s and D’s, graduated college and doesn’t drool on himself anymore when girls talk to...
The BCS is A-OK
Now before you start yelling, screaming and spitting on me for such an outlandish second as a result of last night’s snorefest known as Alabama v. LSU II just breathe slowly.
Those were the two best teams in the nation. It just so happened that each defense was incredibly fast and athletic while each offense not named Trent Richardson was allergic to the endzone. Alabama put a definitive...
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New Year's Resolution = Exercise???
It’s the New Year! Let’s get to our resolutions!
What is it? Cutting out caffeine? Pumping the brakes with alcohol? Promising to always wear pants going to church (yeah! Good luck with that one!…you can’t spell mass without ass!) I’m betting yours is the same as everyone else’s…losing weight.
Everyone has used this resolution at one point in their...
December 2011
6 posts
4 tags
One Hour Of Hell
One hour.
That’s 60 minutes. 3,600 seconds. Two 30 minute TV shows. Four quarters of football play. 59 1/2 minutes of crying after premature ej…what?
However you slice the pie it totals one hour; and later tonight, starting at 11 pm, will be the most harrowing, scary, pressure filled hour ever created by man since having to watch The Bachelor…finding a kiss at...
3 tags
Insight Into A Man's Mind: 3 Lists
Greetings to everyone out there who follow this blog regularly, tune in occasionally while their porn is buffering and those who are waiting for me to finally do some upskirt pics of myself to help them suppress their appetite as a form of diet.
I know it has been awhile since my last post. I had things get in the way like holiday shopping, being sick a week, continuing unsuccessfully in my...
2 tags
Gut Punches
“It’s just sports.”
This is a line that has been uttered throughout time by parents, girlfriends and misguided men. The target for this line is the fan whose team just lost a game. And not just losing the game, but it was how the loss happened. The team lost a game they should have won, the team got blown out of the water or the team got bounced out of the playoffs.
The fan...
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Exceptions For The 7 Deadly Sins
Gluttony, lust, envy, sloth, pride, greed and wrath. When put together what do they mean? A bitching weekend? A Tuesday night in Amsterdam? What happens behind the scenes at church potlucks after the casseroles and pickled beets are eaten?
Of course these are the seven deadly sins. Many people only know these from the movie Se7en where a guy everybody with genitalia wants to sleep with named...
5 tags
Ohio State Stuff: Urban Meyer and Men's B-Ball
I know I didn’t write anything after the Penn State and the state up north (I’mstupidandmakeoutwithfamilymembers) games, but I just couldn’t bring myself to write either post. Both were close losses and I just ran out of excitement for reliving football misery. I will, however, write a season in review after the bowl game (come on Little Caesar’s bowl! Getting shanked in Detroit while attending...
November 2011
5 posts
3 tags
An Ode To Sailor Jerry's
Dear William Grant & Sons:
There are three things I love in this world:
Sports
Boobies
Sailor Jerry’s
Sure there are things like family that should be in my list, but honestly I enjoy mixing everything I love to have a great time and if family and boobies were in the same night there’s not enough therapy or battery acid in the world to undo seeing Aunt Milly starring in...
4 tags
OSU Winners & Losers: Week 10
It’s official. 2011 Ohio State football is like my golf game: there’s always something wrong every time out. It’s never same thing either. One time it’s the offensive line. The next it’s late game defense. And now we come to this…a critical special teams mistake. The difference for football is that you can’t just throw you clubs in the water, quit the...
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OSU Winners & Losers: Week 9
My apologies to everyone for again taking until Friday to get this post out. I had to comment on Penn State’s situation on Tuesday, took a six hour nap until 11 pm on Wednesday, went to the Blue Jackets game on Thursday and just now can get to writing the post. As I penalty I will take off my pants and give myself 40 lashes with a two week old loaf of Jimmy John’s bread.
...
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Penn State Scandal
Joe Paterno must be fired.
I’m gonna be honest…this post is going to be a little emotional because of the subject matter, the legal process is still going and everyone should be presumed innocent until proven guilty…but this is the court of Bryan Fraker. I dictate the rules.
Everyone knows about the issue at hand, but in case you for some reason have yet to hear about the...
4 tags
OSU Winners & Losers: Week 8
Sorry folks for the delay in this post. I’ve had a busy week of working late, having dinner with Mama Fraker and still fitting in a healthy, responsible intake of alcohol. In honor of it being Friday I will keep this short and sweet with one sentence for each point so you can read my stuff and quickly get back to what we all want…Jersey Shore marathon on MTV2.
Winners
Pacemaker...
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Pet Peeves: Halloween
A happy Halloween to everyone out there. In honor of this sinniest of sinful nights I figure I’d do something people do towards the jerks who don’t pass out candy: complain. Here are some of my pet peeves regarding this holiday.
Non-carved pumpkins. It’s the signature look for every house/apartment on Halloween…the Jack-o-lantern. It’s a cherished tradition to...
October 2011
5 posts
4 tags
Get Rich Quick Scheme
Like the 91.9% of Americans who have jobs (sorry 9.1%…the economy will come around and you can feel like this again): I hate work.
Work’s boring. It’s monotonous. It involves interacting with people who don’t like work either and I’m found forcing myself to puke in the bathroom so I get out of a 10 minute pointless meeting.
But no more! I have come up with the...
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OSU Winners & Losers: Week 7
It’s official: I have no f***ing clue about this team.
One game Ohio State blows the doors off an Ohio team. Then Ohio State can barely beat an Ohio team. Then the next game Ohio State can’t do anything right. Then the nexter game it’s another blowout. Then the nexterer game the favorite play call was “QB Get Sacked”. Then the nextererer game Ohio State decides...
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OSU Winners & Losers: Week 6
Anyone remember what happened at the end of the game last week? I watched until Braxton Miller got injured then something must have happened at the bar I was at because they put on a game show called Grab Ass and Free Footballs Everywhere! (or GAFFE for short). It was weird, though, because the people, places and things were the same, but a GAFFE definitely happened.
White jersey wearing...
4 tags
OSU Winners & Losers: Week 5
Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. Just beat Michigan. ...
September 2011
7 posts
4 tags
OSU Winners & Losers: Week 4
Ladies and Gentlemen…the Braxton Miller era has officially started!
You heard it here first, people. I was always in Braxton’s camp and I thought he should have started every game this year…as long as you don’t look at my previous posts. Don’t do it. Please? Can’t you trust me? Look at this face:
Nevermind. Let’s just move on to this week’s...
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OSU Winners & Losers: Week 3
There’s nothing to say. It’s taken me three days of staring at my computer to finally write this post.
The Miami game was an absolute debacle. I spent all three hours of the game with my mouth wide open doing one of three things:
Yelling at the TV about how woeful Ohio State looked
Silently sitting there while I digest what all took place
Pouring “self-medication”...
4 tags
OSU Winners & Losers: Week 2
F**KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK that was close.
Ok since that’s off my chest I can write the second week review of The Ohio State University’s football season. I actually got to go to this game for free. Got surprised with tickets on Friday night and after 90 minutes for my scarlet and gray boner to subside I emerged from the ladies room ready for the game tomorrow and more...
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Daaaaa Bears! Preview
I was really hoping to write this post with jubilation on the heels of the Fudge Packers being 0-1…but then the game was played and Sean Payton decided to run a rookie into a defensive line that was dominating the A-gaps all game…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH…but I degress.
This post is about my beloved Chicago Bears and my (feeble) attempt at an impartial look at their season and how...
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OSU Winners & Losers: Week 1
Editor’s Note: This year during THE Ohio State University football season I will recap the game and give you my winners and losers of the game. It will come out on Mondays during the year, but an epic Sunday Funday prevented me from being productive yesterday. Some winners and losers are players, some are coaches, some are inanimate objects, but all had a role in the game. I will also put...
August 2011
3 posts
3 tags
Dumb Purchases
The only thing I enjoy about having a full-time job now is that I now have a place to Xerox my balls actual money to spend on stuff. It’s great to have money. I can buy better food, more beer and use non-motel lotion for…my face. However there is a negative to having more money: more problems? Sorry, P Daddy Dilly Diddy.
I buy more stupid sh*t.
Money has never really been my...
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Who Doesn't Love Board Games?
This post is from a nice suggestion from my buddy Nate-Dogg…the man holding down the fort in Sea-Town. He thought it would be a great idea and I agreed with him and promptly wrote the post…104 months after it was suggested. Maybe it was only four months. I don’t know. I usually overshoot how long time goes. Guess that’s why I tell girls I last four minutes in bed.
...
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Pet Peeves: Fashion
Bryan Fraker? Doing a post? Isn’t he the guy who posed for a raunchy calendar in man-thongs? Who wore capris to high school one day? Who turned an innocent pair of shorts and cut them so short they turned into a kilt that led to the whole party being scared by recreating Braveheart every seven seconds?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And damn straight.
It’s not a fashion review per se. ...
July 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Growing up???...What's that?
After a recent softball game I looked up from my margarita and hangover and said: “Wow. We have friends who are married now, have gotten important jobs and moved to cities far away. Where the hell did all the time go? Everyone is growing up.” A friend then looks at me and says: “Yeah. Everyone is growing up…and then there’s…well, you.” At first I...
3 tags
Problems and Solutions: The 2011 Cincinnati Reds
I originally wanted to do a synopsis of the first half of the season at the All-Star Break, but: 1. The All-Star Break is more than halfway through the season (no one said baseball people were smart…we isn’t) and 2. The recent struggles of the 43-44 Reds have made me angry, apprehensive, annoyed and a couple of other adjectives involving the letter A. Anyway I’ve come up with...
June 2011
3 posts
3 tags
Annoying People In Society
It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. I’m tired. I’m cranky. Then I saw a Kohl’s bra ad and, well…a cranky of a different variety makes me tired, too. Anywho…I’m yelling at some types of people I don’t like! You’re getting run over by the Frak-Train!!! WOO WOO!!!!!…hmm…that’s quite lamer in print than...
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Warrior Dash 2011...I Did That?
December 2010…our apartment…7 pm.
Dan: Hey Fraker you wanna do the Warrior Dash?
Me: What’s that?
Dan: It’s a race where you run through mud and obstacles.
Me: Hmmm…running? The only running I do is to a bar for happy hour or away from burglars, zombies or an ovulating Roseanne.
Dan: It’s only $40…
Me: $40? The only time I spend $40 is after a...
4 tags
Jim Tressel: A Love Story
It’s been three days since The Resignation…and I couldn’t put my feelings into words until now. The days went like this:
Monday: Woke up hungover, saw a text from a friend stating “Tressel resigned”, I threw up in my mouth (mix of rum, coke and disappointment), slept more and finally got up only to find myself laying in my bed/couch all day staring blankly at the television or ceiling with no...
May 2011
2 posts
2 tags
Things I Never Did Before The End of the World
Here is a list of things I never got to do before the end of the world tomorrow:
I never had a threesome…unless you count having the TV on during whoopie. If that’s the case I’m going to have an awkward conversation with Stuart Scott in the afterlife
I never got to break 80 in golf. In Tiger Woods I broke 60, in putt putt I broke 40 and in college I broke down my front door,...
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Bryan Fraker: President of the United States
Now before you light yourself on fire from reading the title just hear me out.
So Donald Trump thinks he can be President of the United States. Really? In that case I’m gonna throw my name in the running for the 2032 election where I’ll likely be fighting other candidates such as Willow Smith, the kid from Two and a Half Men and William Howard Taft’s ass (who will still garner...
April 2011
2 posts
3 tags
Kids These Days
Howdy everybody out there reading this blog while your porn buffers…I mean after you buffered while watching porn…I mean I love Michael Buffer porn………AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! Let’s start over:
Hello.
I apologize for the lack of posts the last couple of weeks. Two weeks ago I came down with a glorious cold that put me out of commission for a week or so and left me...
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Intervention!!!
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen:
I am in dire need of an intervention. What I need help in is something that started out as a simple vice that my friends could deal with in small doses, but it has gotten so out of control it has friends and family wondering if I can ever get out of this downward spiral I created for myself before I hit rock bottom and ruin my life.
What is it you may ask? Alcohol? ...
March 2011
4 posts
3 tags
What My Hell Might Look Like
As I was sitting at work today staring off into the distance from the confines of a newly cleaned bathroom stall between doing work and taking my 5th “bathroom break” (code for just sitting on the toilet) of the day I began to wonder if my beloved Cincinnati Reds have what it takes to make the World Series (for the record…yes) and how that would be Heaven if they did. Then I...
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Pet Peeves: People At Work
Now I’m just not talking about my work specifically. These characters can be found at any work for any occupation. I’m talking being a teacher, janitor, football player, underwear model (trust me…I’ve read enough Victoria’s Secret magazines to get a vibe of what’s going on there…coincidentally it also helped me understand the lotion and tissue...
4 tags
404 March Madness!!!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone!
Before I start going crazy with Irish Carbombs, Killian’s beer and DiGiorno pizzas (today they’re called O’DiGiorno’briens) the 404 apartment (Dan, Nate and moi) would like to share with you, in the spirit of college basketball’s March Madness…our own bracket: The 404 Madness!!!
It’s a compilation of our memories,...
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The Jim Tressel Situation
When listening to the press conference tonight on TV I couldn’t help but think of the movie “D2: The Mighty Ducks”. Why you ask? Was it because both things involve sports? Nope. Was it because Gene Smith looks like Kenan Thompson’s dad? Hardly. Was it because the sight of Jim Tressel makes my heart flutter just like staring at Emilio Estevez and his ravishing good...
February 2011
3 posts
5 tags
Lodge Bar Eulogy
Thank you everybody for coming today on this day of sadness and joy. Pain and pleasure. Reflection and inebriation. Welcome one and all to the eulogy for Lodge Bar Columbus.
Hello ladies and gentlemen. My name is Bryan Fraker and I’m an alcoholic…or as Lodge Bar called me a regular. I will be the narrator on this magical journey through the two and a half years of fun known as...